Looking after yourself

Parent wellbeing

What you carry.

This section is about you, the adult. Parents tend to come to it last, though the rest of family life depends on how you are. It’s for the mother running on four hours of sleep, the father who can’t remember the last time he was alone in a room, and the parent who has stopped recognising their own life.

What to do first, what helps and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.

What the library holds on parent wellbeing

For a child aged

29chapters
40quick tips
4things to do together
62sheets to print
37books
4pages to read online
10podcasts
8films
8places to turn

From the therapists

What to do first

You’re the most reliable person in your child’s life, and nobody can keep that up for long when they’re exhausted. Looking after yourself is part of looking after your child, and you don’t have to earn it.

This week, say out loud to one adult what you’re dealing with. Your child shouldn’t be the one you tell.
Take back one hour that’s yours and put it in the diary, so it doesn’t get given away without you noticing.
If it has been going on for months, refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies. You do not need your GP’s permission and you do not need to be in crisis to qualify.

If you are worried about a child’s safety

Safeguarding: what to do and who to tell Urgent help

From the chapters

What helps

Take devices out of the bedroom at night
A bright screen in a dark bedroom works against sleep. Charge devices in the kitchen overnight.
Start winding down 30 to 45 minutes before bed
Go through bath, teeth, pyjamas, reading and low lights in the same order each night. The brain reads the sequence as “sleep is coming” and starts releasing melatonin, so it’s the predictability that makes it work.

Chapters

29 on parent wellbeing

The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.

The chapter to start with

When You Are Not All Right

For parents whose own mental health is part of what’s going on at home.

19 min read

Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.

After You Have Lost Your TemperA chapter for parents who have shouted, and are lying awake about it. 16 min read
Under 19
The Hour Before BedFor parents whose child’s bedtime has turned into an hour of worries, questions and meltdowns. 13 min read
Ages 4 to 11
Body ImageFor parents who want their child to grow up comfortable in their own body. 15 min read
Ages 8 to 18
Anxiety, by AgeFor parents of a child whose worry has started to make decisions for them, with what helps at each age and when to ask for help. 15 min read
Ages 11 to 18
What to Do When School Is the ProblemFor parents whose child has started dreading school. 14 min read
Ages 4 to 18
When the Best Friend Moves OnFor parents whose child’s best friend has drifted away, with no falling-out to explain it. 13 min read
Ages 8 to 11
When They Stop Talking to YouFor parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more. 13 min read
Ages 11 to 18
Screen TimeFor parents who have lost the argument about screen hours, and suspect it was never quite the right argument to have. 8 min read
Ages 4 to 18
The 11+ YearFor parents whose child is preparing for school entrance exams. 15 min read
Ages 8 to 11
What Screen Time Actually IsFor parents who feel they have lost the argument about screens. 13 min read
Eating and ControlFor parents whose family mealtimes have become about much more than food. 10 min read
Ages 11 to 18
PerfectionismFor parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong. 15 min read
Ages 4 to 18
Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t FairFor parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other. 13 min read
Ages 4 to 11
The Move to Secondary SchoolFor parents whose child is about to go from being one of the oldest at school to one of the youngest. 18 min read
Ages 9 to 16
When a Child Is GrievingFor parents whose child has lost someone, or something, that was there last week. 10 min read
When Reassurance Stops WorkingFor parents whose child is anxious and can’t be talked out of it, however often the adults around them try. 10 min read
When the Worry Makes the RulesA chapter for parents whose child’s worry has started to come with rituals, and whose family has started keeping them. 21 min read
Ages 5 to 18
When Your Child Has Gone FlatA chapter for parents watching a child lose interest in the things they used to love. 21 min read
Ages 9 to 16
Big Feelings and Co-RegulationFor parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help them through it. 13 min read
The Conversations Parents AvoidFor parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start. 13 min read
When Parents SeparateFor parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping. 13 min read
Ages 8 to 18
Your Child’s Online WorldFor parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee. 14 min read
Ages 8 to 18
Neurodiversity, and the Conversation with the SchoolFor parents whose child has been working harder and longer than other children to do things that come more easily to them. 11 min read
When Your Child Is Working Out Who They AreFor parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it. 16 min read
Ages 11 to 18
Puberty, and the Body That Gets There FirstA chapter for parents whose child’s body has started to change, perhaps sooner than either of them expected. 19 min read
Ages 7 to 16
Trauma in ChildhoodFor parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has. 16 min read
The Child Who Saves It All for HomeA chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home. 21 min read
Under 18
When Your Child Is Being BulliedFor parents whose child has just told them about being bullied. 13 min read
Ages 4 to 18

Quick tips

40 on parent wellbeing

Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.

Parent wellbeing

A Plan Made in a Good Week

Agree a plan with your children in a good week, so nobody has to guess on a bad day.

Try this

Make the plan in a good week, not on the bad day.
Agree one emergency rule: if they cannot wake you or think you are in danger, emergency help first, then a named adult.

From the tip

Coram Family Lives suggests agreeing a plan with your children for the bad times, and we’d add only that it’s best made in a good week, calmly, perhaps over a weekend breakfast. Agree who they can call, who will do the school run if you can’t, and what you’ll say to each other on a hard day, so that nobody has to guess. And one simple rule for an emergency: if they cannot wake you, you are hurt, or they think you are in danger, they call for emergency help first and ring a named adult second.

Parent wellbeing

Asking for Help That Feels Like Failing

A specific request for help gets a yes or a no; a general one gets sympathy.

Try this

Ask for one specific thing: “Can you collect them on Thursday?”
Contact your local branch first: Home-Start UK visits families across the country.

From the tip

“Can I drop them at yours on Saturday morning while I see the GP?”

Parent wellbeing

The Fear That Stops You Asking

Many parents fear that asking for help will cost them their children, but what usually follows asking is help.

Try this

Name the fear to yourself: it is common, and what usually follows asking is help.
Book the GP, or in England refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.

From the tip

If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or your children safe, do not wait for the GP: use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page. Say if your child is with you; it means the person helping can think about your child as well as you.

For most people, the first step is the GP.

More quick tips on parent wellbeing

Parent wellbeing

The Friend You Have Stopped Calling

Losing touch with friends happens gradually, and the way back starts with a quick, low-stakes message.

2 min read
Parent wellbeing

The Sunday Evening Dread

Sunday-evening dread is a sign that you’ve been doing more than you can recover from.

2 min read
Parent wellbeing

What to Tell Your Child When You Are Unwell

A child who is told nothing makes up their own explanation, and in it they are often to blame.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Parent wellbeing

When You Are the One Not Sleeping

Lying awake night after night is a sign of overload, and a reason to see your GP.

2 min read
Parent wellbeing

When You Have Snapped

After you’ve snapped at your child, go back, apologise and put it right.

2 min read
Parent wellbeing

When Your Child Is Too Small for the Words

A child under five needs a short, calm explanation and care they can rely on.

1 min read · Under 5
Family transitions

The First Phone Call Back

A short, slightly distracted first call from university is a good sign that your child is settling in.

2 min read · Ages 13 and over
Family transitions

The Week Before Your Child Leaves

The week before your child leaves for university is one of the hardest; do less than you think it needs.

2 min read · Ages 13 and over
Big feelings

When to Seek Specialist Help for Trauma

Early help shortens recovery, so don’t wait until your child seems sick enough to need it.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
Neurodiversity

The Friend Who Says It’s a Phase

When a friend says it’s just a phase, one short, warm sentence can close the conversation.

2 min read
Neurodiversity

The Night Before the Assessment

Keep the evening before an assessment as much like any other evening as you can.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Family dynamics

The Sibling Who Stops Asking

While one child struggles, the other may become very easy to live with and keep their worries to themselves.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
Bodies & growing up

What Your Child Hears You Say About Bodies

In their first decade, a child’s body image is built almost entirely from what they hear adults say.

2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
Neurodiversity

When the Diagnosis Is Also a Relief

Many parents feel relief, then grief, when the diagnosis they half-expected finally comes.

2 min read
Family dynamics

When the Grandparent Becomes Ill

The grandparent who looked after the children now needs looking after.

2 min read
Parent wellbeing

When Your Fuse Has Got Shorter

Irritability can be a sign of poor sleep, low mood, anxiety or perimenopause, so a shortened fuse is worth looking into.

2 min read · Under 19
Health and difference

The Child Who Has Become the Adult

A twelve-year-old doing the family’s supermarket shop needs to hear that they can still be a child.

2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
Health and difference

The Day of the Diagnosis

In the days after a diagnosis, tell your child often that the condition doesn’t change who they are.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Health and difference

The Medication on Your Bedside Table

For the parent who has not named their own medication out loud.

2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Health and difference

The Weeks That the Treatment Takes

During a parent’s long treatment, accept practical help, keep one family ritual and lower the bar on everything else.

1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Family dynamics

Twins in the Early Years

Early-years twins are more exhausting than most people realise, so cut back on everything else.

2 min read · Under 7
Family dynamics

When the Money Runs Thin This Month

When money gets tight, get help with the numbers and decide what the children will be told.

1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Bodies & growing up

The Body Too Awake for Bedtime

If your child is too wound up to sleep, slow yourself down at bedtime.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 9
Bodies & growing up

The Early Riser

Some early waking can be changed and some can’t, and a two-week sleep diary will show you which you have.

2 min read · Under 7
Family transitions

The School Holiday You Are Doing Alone

The summer holiday as the only parent is draining, so plan for what you can keep up.

2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Big feelings

When Ambition Is Really Anxiety

An anxious high achiever can look exactly like a teenager with healthy ambition.

2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Parent wellbeing

When the Job Has Gone

Children notice when a job or income is lost, so give them a short, honest explanation.

2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Parent wellbeing

Before the Shout

If your shouting tends to come at the same hour, changing that hour may help more than resolving to be patient.

2 min read · Under 16
Family dynamics

Talking to Your Child About Your Recovery

Tell your child about your recovery at their level, and take your own feelings about it to other adults.

2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Health and difference

The Conversation With the Children About Your Illness

Fit what you tell the children to their age, and expect to come back to it over weeks.

1 min read · Ages 5 to 18
Health and difference

The Day Your Diagnosis Came

After a serious diagnosis, let the children know something is happening; the full conversation can wait a few days.

1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Family dynamics

When Your Child Worries About Your Drinking

Your child has noticed, and without an explanation they will imagine something worse than the truth.

2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
School & pressure

The Day the GCSE Results Came

Whatever your teenager’s GCSE grades, respond warmly, and if the results are disappointing, leave decisions for another day.

2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
School & pressure

When Exam Prep Takes Over the House

Put the admissions file away three evenings a week, so your child isn’t doing the test for two people.

2 min read · Ages 9 to 11
Family dynamics

When One Twin Is Going Through Something

When one twin is struggling, the other is often overlooked just when they need to be noticed.

2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Online life

When the AI Becomes Your Child’s Confidant

If your child confides in a chatbot, tell them what it is and keep them talking to real people.

1 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Family dynamics

When Your Child Hits You

Being hurt by your own child is not a secret to keep, and there is help for both of you.

3 min read · Ages 9 to 18

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Things to do together

4 on parent wellbeing

Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.

To do together · About 30 min

A plan for a bad day, made in a good week

A one-page plan, made calmly with your children: who they can call, who does the school run, and what you say to each other on a hard day.

What it is for. This is for a parent living with low mood, anxiety or another condition that comes and goes. A bad day is easier on everyone when the family has already thought about what happens on one.

The first step Choose a good week to do this, and a calm time within it.
Step 4 Agree one rule for an emergency, and keep it simple: if they cannot wake you, you are hurt, or they think you are in danger, they call for emergency help first and ring the adult named on the plan second. For anything else, they ring that adult. Say plainly that looking after you is not their job; the rule is only about fetching help.

Safety. The printable carries only the emergency route; the names and numbers of the adults who can help are for you to write in together.

When to get help. If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or someone else safe, do not wait for the plan: use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, straight away. For everything else, the GP is the first step, and in England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

More to do together

To do together

The people in our corner

On one sheet of paper, map the people and places your family can turn to, then choose one person to ask for help this month.

About 30 min · Under 18
To do together

A day with no 11+ in it

One day a week, and a few evenings, with no papers, no practice and no talk of the test. Keep it most weeks, and let it go when a week slips.

A day, and three evenings · Ages 9 to 16 · With a sheet to print
To do together

Five steps in one week

For one week, the family tries one easy thing for each of the NHS’s five steps to mental wellbeing: connecting with people, being active, learning something, giving, and paying attention to the moment.

About 20 min · Ages 5 to 18 · With a sheet to print

To print

62 on parent wellbeing

Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.

To print and keep

The guide to parent wellbeing

What to do first, what helps, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.

See the sheet

Who else can help with parent wellbeing, on a sheet of its own.

Every sheet to print

Books and reading

41 on parent wellbeing

Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.

For you 37

Matrescence Lucy Jones A science writer explores the physical, psychological and social transformation of becoming a mother, drawing on research and her own experience. Validating for anyone changed by motherhood in ways no one mentioned. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

What No One Tells You Alexandra Sacks & Catherine Birndorf
Mindfulness Mark Williams & Danny Penman
Self-Compassion Kristin Neff
The Compassionate Mind Paul Gilbert

And 32 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read online 4

Anna Freud

Self-care for all parents and carers

A short, kind page on why looking after yourself is part of looking after your child, with small realistic steps: asking for help, protecting sleep, and saying no without guilt.
Child Mind Institute

How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids

For the anxious parent of an anxious child. It explains how children learn from what they see us do with worry, and why saying how you cope, out loud, can help them.
YoungMinds

Parenting with a mental health condition

For a parent living with their own mental illness: how it can shape family life, how to talk to your child about it at their level, and where support exists for both of you.
ZERO TO THREE

5 Ways Parents’ Emotional Regulation Matters for Healthy Child Development

Why a young child borrows an adult’s calm before they can make their own, and how parents can steady themselves first when a toddler is falling apart.

Podcasts and films

18 on parent wellbeing

Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.

Podcasts 10

Anna Mathur

The Therapy Edit

Therapist Anna Mathur’s listener-question show on anxiety, guilt, resentment and early motherhood. It has finished, but the archive remains good company for a parent who is struggling themselves.

Apple Podcasts

Also on this shelf

All in the Mind

How to cope when your child can’t
Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators

Episode 88 - Dr Kathy Weston Talks with Eva Musby: A Parent’s Story of Supporting a Child with an Eating Disorder
Raising Good Humans

S3 Ep 18: Supporting Your Kid’s Mental Health (While You’re Waiting for an Appointment)
Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators

Episode 199 - Dr Rhodes Talks with Dr Tara Porter: Being a Good Enough Parent

And five more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Films 8

YouTube · 3 min

How do I know if I have postnatal depression? | NHS

NHS, YouTube

An NHS film on how postnatal depression differs from the baby blues, what the signs are, and why speaking to a GP or health visitor early matters. Calm and unfrightening.

Also on this shelf

YouTube · 6 min

Postnatal depression in men - BBC Stories

BBC Stories, YouTube
TED · 20 min

The power of vulnerability

Dr Brené Brown, TED
TED · 21 min

3 steps of anxiety overload — and how you can take back control

Dr Lisa Damour, TED
YouTube · 7 min

Parenting Tips with Philippa Perry

Philippa Perry, YouTube

And three more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Who else can help

You can refer yourself. You do not need anyone’s permission, and you do not need to be in crisis to qualify.

Where to start

NHS Talking Therapies

Free NHS therapy for adults in England, for anxiety and low mood. You can refer yourself; you do not need to go through your GP first.

For the parent. A great many of the parents we sit with are carrying something of their own, and waiting for someone to ask.

www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service
Your GP

The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.

Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.

www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
Private therapy, if you can meet the cost

A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.

When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.

theparentbook.com/finding-a-therapist

For parent wellbeing

Mind

The UK’s mental health charity. Pages written for parents of a struggling young person, an Infoline that points you to the right service, and a Support Line that will simply listen.

When your own reserves are running low and you want to talk to someone who is not the GP, your partner or a friend. Not for a crisis.

If tonight is urgent, use the numbers under “If you need help right now”, at the end of this page.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.

Mind Infoline 0300 123 3393 · Mon-Fri 9am-6pm (except bank holidays) · Mind Support Line 0300 102 1234, Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, for emotional support rather than signposting · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.

www.mind.org.uk/for-young-people/information-for-parents
Coram Family Lives

A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.

When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.

Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.

www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
Family Action FamilyLine

A free helpline for adults on family relationships, conflict, parenting, caring and money, by phone, text, email or chat, with befriending or short counselling if it would help.

When the strain is on you and there is no one to say it to.

FamilyLine 0808 802 6666 · Mon-Fri 9am-5pm; closed bank holidays. Out of hours, text FAMILYACTION to 85258

family-action.org.uk/get-support/familyline
CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)

A free evening line, webchat and WhatsApp for anyone over eighteen who is struggling or having suicidal thoughts, and for anyone worried about someone who is.

Between 5pm and midnight every day.

CALM Helpline and Webchat 0800 58 58 58 · Daily 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year · Webchat and WhatsApp at the same hours · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.

www.thecalmzone.net/suicide-prevention-helpline
Home-Start UK

Trained volunteers who visit families with young children at home, week by week, and local groups. You can refer yourself.

When the early years are harder than anyone told you and what you need is another adult in the house. What is offered varies by area.

The local branch is the right first call, and can tell you how long the wait is.

www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

Every organisation for parent wellbeing, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist

The rest of the library

The Parent Book is a library written by therapists: chapters on the situations parents bring to our therapy rooms most often, quick tips for tonight, things to do together, and every sheet to print. One subscription opens all of it, from the day you join.

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Already a subscriber? Sign in School staff: the teachers’ shelf

What to do first

What helps

Take devices out of the bedroom at night

Start winding down 30 to 45 minutes before bed

The guide to parent wellbeing

For you 37

To read online 4

Podcasts 10

How to cope when your child can’t

Episode 88 - Dr Kathy Weston Talks with Eva Musby: A Parent’s Story of Supporting a Child with an Eating Disorder

S3 Ep 18: Supporting Your Kid’s Mental Health (While You’re Waiting for an Appointment)

Episode 199 - Dr Rhodes Talks with Dr Tara Porter: Being a Good Enough Parent

Films 8

Postnatal depression in men - BBC Stories

The power of vulnerability

3 steps of anxiety overload — and how you can take back control

Parenting Tips with Philippa Perry

NHS Talking Therapies

Your GP

Private therapy, if you can meet the cost

Mind

Coram Family Lives

Family Action FamilyLine

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)

Home-Start UK