When Your Fuse Has Got Shorter

The tip

If things you used to let go now set you off, ask what else has changed: irritability is a symptom of several things that can be helped.

Start with sleep: the NHS lists feeling “tired and irritable during the day” among the signs of insomnia. Then mood: the NHS counts “feeling irritable and intolerant of others” among the symptoms of depression, and irritability among those of anxiety and of postnatal depression, which fathers can have too. Then drink, which can make some people act more aggressively than usual.

For many women in their forties, perimenopause belongs on the list. The NHS, which says menopause usually comes between 45 and 55, lists mood swings and low mood among the symptoms, and says sleep problems “can make you feel irritable, stressed and anxious”. NICE says that from 45, a GP can recognise perimenopause from symptoms, without blood tests, and lists HRT and CBT among the treatments to consider for low mood that comes with it.

Fathers lose their tempers too: in a review of 28 studies, depressed fathers showed somewhat less positive and more negative parenting, much as depressed mothers do.

So see your GP and say what you’ve noticed: the temper, your sleep, your mood, your drinking and, if you have periods, any change in them. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for low mood or anxiety. And tell one person you trust what’s going on. A helpline listens at any hour to an adult who is struggling. Samaritans, 116 123. Help is free and available at any hour.

If you have hit a child, or are frightened you might, or the children are frightened of you, step away, make sure they’re safe, and talk to someone today: your GP, or your local early help or family support service, which you can contact yourself. If a child is hurt, get her medical help straight away. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your children, or of not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.

If you are badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if you feel well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.

• Note what else has changed lately: your sleep, your mood, your drinking and, if it applies, your periods.
• Book a GP appointment and say what you’ve noticed, the temper included.
• Tell one person you trust what’s going on, so you aren’t carrying it alone.

It goes with

• After You Have Lost Your Temper. A chapter for parents who have shouted, and are lying awake about it.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.