The chapter to start with
After You Have Lost Your Temper
A chapter for parents who have shouted, and are lying awake about it.
16 min read · Under 19
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
Looking after yourself
Losing your temper
Every parent shouts sometimes. What a child takes from it depends far less on the shout than on what happens afterwards.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on losing your temper
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
One bad evening doesn’t undo a childhood. What matters is the repair, and the pattern over time.
- When you’re both calm, tonight or in the morning, go back: say what you did, say sorry without a “but”, and tell her it wasn’t her fault.
- This week, find the hour it keeps happening in, and change one thing about it: food earlier, the phone away, ten minutes to yourself before you walk in.
- If it’s happening most days, frightening her, or getting physical, talk to someone today: your GP, or the NSPCC helpline, which gives advice to any adult worried about a child.
Chapters
1 on losing your temper
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
3 on losing your temper
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Parent wellbeing
When Your Fuse Has Got Shorter
Irritability can be a sign of poor sleep, low mood, anxiety or perimenopause, so a shortened fuse is worth looking into.
Try this
- Note what else has changed lately: your sleep, your mood, your drinking and, if it applies, your periods.
- Book a GP appointment and say what you’ve noticed, the temper included.
From the tip
NICE says that from 45, a GP can recognise perimenopause from symptoms, without blood tests, and lists HRT and CBT among the treatments to consider for low mood that comes with it.
If you have hit a child, or are frightened you might, or the children are frightened of you, step away, make sure they’re safe, and talk to someone today: your GP, or your local early help or family support service, which you can contact yourself. If a child is hurt, get her medical help straight away. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your children, or of not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
If you are badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if you feel well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
Parent wellbeing
Before the Shout
If your shouting tends to come at the same hour, changing that hour may help more than resolving to be patient.
Try this
- For a week, note each time you snap: the hour, what was happening and how you were.
- Choose your words for stepping away now, while you’re calm, and use them before the shout comes.
From the tip
If this happens often, tell your health visitor or GP.
Parent wellbeing
When She Will Not Accept Your Sorry
She doesn’t have to accept your apology tonight for it to count; say it once, and leave her free to come round.
Try this
- Say sorry once, naming what happened, with no “but” and no request to be forgiven.
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
1 on losing your temper
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to losing your temper
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with losing your temper, on a sheet of its own.
Who else can help
The GP is the first call if anger is frequent, frightening, or tangled with low mood or drink; in England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies, and the NSPCC helpline is there for any adult worried about a child.
Where to start
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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NHS Talking Therapies
Free NHS therapy for adults in England, for anxiety and low mood. You can refer yourself; you do not need to go through your GP first.
For the parent. A great many of the parents we sit with are carrying something of their own, and waiting for someone to ask.
www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service
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The NSPCC helpline, for adults worried about a child
A line for the adult who is not sure whether what they have noticed is serious. You do not need to be certain, and you can call anonymously.
When something has been said or seen and you do not know what to do with it. They will tell you whether it needs to go further, and help you take that step.
Helpline 0808 800 5000, Monday to Friday 10am to 4pm
Email help@nspcc.org.uk, read 11am to 4pm, seven days a week; a message sent while the service is closed is not received. If it is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101, or contact the child’s local children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.
For losing your temper
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
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Coram Family Lives
A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.
When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.
Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
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Children First
A free support line for parents and carers in Scotland, by phone or webchat, seven days a week.
When you live in Scotland and want to talk to someone about your child, family life or money worries, by phone or webchat, any day of the week.
Children First Support line 08000 28 22 33 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm, Sat-Sun 9am-noon · Webchat: On the support line page; no separate webchat hours are given · Outside those hours the line is closed. If a child is in immediate danger, Children First says to call the police. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
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Parentline NI
A free parenting helpline for Northern Ireland, run by Children in Northern Ireland, with webchat, email and one-to-one sessions.
When you live in Northern Ireland and want to talk through a worry about your child or family life, or would value a few one-to-one sessions with a parent support officer.
Parentline NI 0808 8020 400 · Mon-Thu 9am-9pm, Fri 9am-5pm, Sat 9am-1pm · Webchat: During opening hours, on the Parentline NI page · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
Every organisation for losing your temper, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist