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Looking after yourself
This is about the people and services around a family: grandparents, godparents, the neighbour across the road, a church, mosque or synagogue, other parents at school, a helpline, the GP. Most parenting questions are easier when you aren’t dealing with them on your own. These pages are for the parent who is learning to ask for help.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on community support
From the therapists
Almost every family we work with has needed help with something at some point, and the ones who ask early do better than the ones who hold out. Asking for help isn’t a failure of independence.
16 on community support
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Parent wellbeing
A specific request for help gets a yes or a no; a general one gets sympathy.
Try this
From the tip
“Can I drop them at yours on Saturday morning while I see the GP?”
Parent wellbeing
Losing touch with friends happens gradually, and the way back starts with a quick, low-stakes message.
Try this
From the tip
If you are struggling yourself, there is an evening helpline for anyone who needs to talk. CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably), 0800 58 58 58. Daily 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.
Parent wellbeing
Many parents fear that asking for help will cost them their children, but what usually follows asking is help.
Try this
From the tip
If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or your children safe, do not wait for the GP: use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page. Say if your child is with you; it means the person helping can think about your child as well as you.
For most people, the first step is the GP.
More quick tips on community support
Home And Belonging
Your school’s focus on safeguarding is required by law, and every school in the UK shares it.
2 min read
Family dynamics
The school may still treat you as the grandparent, even though you’re now the parent as well.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Family dynamics
You agreed to look after them for a weekend, and the weekend has become a year.
2 min read
Home And Belonging
Primary care, secondary care, CAMHS, A&E, the urgent advice lines. The map is worth holding.
2 min read
Health and difference
Most teachers don’t know which pupils are young carers, so tell the school.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Health and difference
A twelve-year-old doing the family’s supermarket shop needs to hear that they can still be a child.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
Family dynamics
A fostered child’s first 72 hours with you are for learning that your home is calm and predictable.
2 min read
Home And Belonging
If the weekly call with Grandma is in Urdu, keep it that way.
2 min read
Home And Belonging
Most schools have a SENCo, though most newly arrived parents haven’t met theirs.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Family dynamics
When money gets tight, get help with the numbers and decide what the children will be told.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
Home And Belonging
When half of your child’s life goes unmentioned at school, keep it part of everyday life at home.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Health and difference
Around eight, your child will notice that their family is different from their friends’ families, so be ready for it.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
Home And Belonging
Register with a GP as soon as you arrive; in the UK, almost all NHS care starts there.
2 min read
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
1 on community support
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 30 min
On one sheet of paper, map the people and places your family can turn to, then choose one person to ask for help this month.
What it is for. When things are hard, it is easy to forget who is on your side, or to find you have lost touch with people. Seeing it on paper makes it easier to ask a particular person for a particular thing, and shows you where to look for more help.
Safety. If there is someone you need to keep your family safe from, keep the map private and leave their name off it.
When to get help. If you are struggling to cope, or your mood has been low for several weeks, talk to your GP; in England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies. If a child’s map shows no adult they feel safe with, or names someone who frightens them, stay calm, listen to what your child says in their own words, and don’t press them with questions. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page; if that person lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. Act that day too if you are worried for any other reason that someone is harming your child. If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or someone else safe, use those routes straight away.
The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
3 on community support
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with community support, on a sheet of its own.
16 on community support
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
Also on this shelf
And four more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Also on this shelf
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
YoungMinds
What CAMHS is, how to get a referral, what happens at an assessment, how to work with the team, and what to do if CAMHS does not offer support.
YoungMinds
For the long wait before help arrives: how your child and you might feel, ways to support them meanwhile, other kinds of support, and what to do if things get worse.
NSPCC
For families where a child helps care for a parent or sibling: how to talk about it, how to involve the school, and a young carer’s right to an assessment from the council.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
6 on community support
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Raising Good Humans
Former US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy on parental stress and loneliness, why parenting was never meant to be done alone, and the small, deliberate connections that help build a village around a family.
Also on this shelf
Emerging Minds Families
Emerging Minds (Australia)
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
YouTube · 2 min
Contact, YouTube
An introduction to Contact, the UK charity for families with disabled children, and the free helpline and advice it offers on benefits, education and care.
Also on this shelf
YouTube · 3 min
Carers Trust, YouTube
YouTube · 4 min
Council for Disabled Children, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
What helps here is mostly local and mostly free. Between them, the school, the council and Citizens Advice know what exists near you.
Where to start
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
The council’s children’s services and SEND team. They hold statutory assessment, the Local Offer, and early help for families who need more than a school can give.
When school-level support has been tried and is not enough, or when you want to know what your area actually provides.
Free, independent advice on the practical layer: housing, benefits, debt, employment, and your rights when a family separates.
When the worry is partly a practical problem wearing an emotional coat. Solving the practical part often lowers the temperature at home more than anything else will.
For community support
A free directory of local and national mental health services, searched by postcode and by what you need, with separate routes for under-twenty-fives and for urgent help.
When you want to know what actually exists near you, for you or for your child.
A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.
When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.
Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
Trained volunteers who visit families with young children at home, week by week, and local groups. You can refer yourself.
When the early years are harder than anyone told you and what you need is another adult in the house. What is offered varies by area.
The local branch is the right first call, and can tell you how long the wait is.
A large parenting forum, with drop-in boards where health visitors and other professionals reply.
When what you need is other parents who have been through it. Company, not clinical advice.
Every organisation for community support, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist
