Family stress

The texture of a household under pressure. The morning that has gone wrong before breakfast, the week in which everyone is short with everyone, the long Sunday when nothing fits. Family stress is not a failure of love. These pages are for the parent who needs a quieter footing for the room.

Everything the library holds on this, on one page. The whole of it is at theparentbook.com/help/family-stress

If this is happening right now

Children read the temperature of a household long before anyone explains it to them, and what frightens them is usually the not-knowing rather than the thing itself.

Say a true, brief, age-appropriate sentence about what is happening, and say who is looking after it. Children fill silence with something worse.
Deal with the practical layer. Where money or housing is part of it, Citizens Advice will move things further this week than anything said at home.
Protect one ordinary rhythm that the stress is not allowed to touch.

Some tips to try

Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.

Explaining Where Mum Is. The question arrives sideways at six. The honest small answer is what she needs.
- Prepare in advance a short truthful sentence calibrated to her age.
- “Mum is unwell. We love her and we love you.”
- Offer to come back to the question whenever she wants.
theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/explaining-where-mum-is
Helping Her Answer Questions About You. Another child has asked about her mother. She does not have the words.
- Give her a rehearsed script she can use at the gate.
- “My dad has multiple sclerosis. He is the same dad as ever.”
- Carers UK runs resources for children of disabled parents.
theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-school-gate-question-she-cannot-answer
Talking to Her About Your Recovery. Recovery is your work. The story she gets to know is age-calibrated.
- Tell her at her level, with the offer to come back.
- Do not ask the child to manage your feelings about recovery.
- Adult feelings about adult addiction go to adult places.
theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/talking-to-her-about-recovery

If you want to read further

Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t Fair. A chapter for parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out. theparentbook.com/reader/siblings-and-the-fights-that-arent-fair
When Parents Separate. A chapter for parents in the middle of a separation, watching their child. theparentbook.com/reader/separating-what-your-child-is-doing-with-it

Worth your time

A book for you: Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Forty years old; still the cleanest single book on sibling row de-escalation. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-talk-siblings-without-rivalry-adele-faber/b9ffdacca8cbd8a2
Something to watch: Carers UK YouTube channel, Carers UK, YouTube. The UK’s only national membership charity for unpaid carers, fifty years old this year. Their channel covers the practical and emotional territory of caring for an ill or disabled family member, including a video series on staying active and well as a carer. For the parent who is also caring for a partner, a parent of their own, or a child with a long-term condition. www.youtube.com/user/CarersUK

Where else to go

Where money or housing is part of it, solving the practical problem does more for a child than anything said to them about it.

Citizens Advice. Free, independent advice on the practical layer: housing, benefits, debt, employment, and your rights when a family separates. When the worry is partly a practical problem wearing an emotional coat. Solving the practical part often lowers the temperature at home more than anything else will. www.citizensadvice.org.uk
MoneyHelper. The government-backed free money guidance service, including a debt advice locator. When money is part of what is happening at home. Children read household stress long before anyone explains it to them. www.moneyhelper.org.uk

Family Lives. A free confidential helpline for any parenting concern. I send parents here when the question is about them, not about the child. When the chapter is about the experience of parenting itself, the family system, or a parent who needs to be listened to. Particularly strong for bullying and for the parent who is holding things together at the edge of their capacity. Family Lives confidential helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm · Live chat Mon-Fri 10.30am-9pm; WhatsApp 07441 444125; email askus@familylives.org.uk www.familylives.org.uk
Home-Start UK. The UK’s family-support network of trained volunteers visiting families at home. The right pointer for the parent who needs the kind of help no friend can fully give, particularly in the early years. Quick tips or chapters touching parental isolation, single-parent burnout, illness in the family, or the parent simply finding the early years harder than expected. Local Home-Start charities operate across the UK and recruit volunteers from their communities. No central helpline; the right move is to find the local branch via the postcode lookup on home-start.org.uk. What is offered, and how long the wait is, vary by area. The local branch is the right first call. www.home-start.org.uk
Netmums. A long-established UK parenting community. The right signpost when the parent needs community, not a clinician. Chapters where what the parent needs is to hear from other parents going through the same thing. Particularly useful for isolation, early-years bewilderment, and the everyday textures of family life. Treat with editorial care: peer support, not professional support. Support from other parents rather than professional advice. www.netmums.com

The full list for family stress, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/family-stress/services

If you need help right now

If you or your child is in immediate danger999 · Go to your nearest A&E · 24/7.
If you, or your child, is in mental health crisisNHS 111 · England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000 · 24/7.
If your child or young person is having thoughts of suicidePapyrus HopeLine 24/7 · 0300 102 2470 · text HOPE to 88247 · 24/7, every day · email pat@papyrus-uk.org · Text and email replies may take up to 24 hours. · www.papyrus-uk.org/help-me/hopeline-24-7.
If your child needs to talk to someone themselvesChildline · 0800 1111 · 24/7 · www.childline.org.uk.
If you are worried that a child is being harmed or is at riskNSPCC Helpline · 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · email help@nspcc.org.uk · www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999..
If you would prefer to text rather than speakShout · Text SHOUT to 85258 · 24/7 · giveusashout.org.
If you are struggling yourself and need to talkSamaritans · 116 123 · 24/7 · www.samaritans.org.

If you need help right now

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.