The chapter to start with
Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t Fair
For parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other.
13 min read · Ages 4 to 11
Family life and behaviour
Family stress
This is about what happens to a household under pressure: the morning that has gone wrong before breakfast, the week when everyone is short with everyone, the long Sunday when nothing works. Stress in a family doesn’t mean the love has failed. These pages are for the parent who wants home to feel less tense.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on family stress
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Children pick up on the mood of a household long before anyone explains it to them, and what frightens them is usually not knowing, more than the problem itself.
- Say one true, brief sentence about what’s happening, suited to their age, and say who is dealing with it. Children fill silence with something worse.
- Deal with the practical side. If money or housing is part of it, Citizens Advice will get more done this week than anything said at home.
- Choose one family routine and don’t let the stress touch it.
Chapters
7 on family stress
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
-
When Parents SeparateFor parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping.
13 min read
Ages 8 to 18 - When You Are Not All RightFor parents whose own mental health is part of what’s going on at home. 19 min read
- The Conversations Parents AvoidFor parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start. 13 min read
-
Screen TimeFor parents who have lost the argument about screen hours, and suspect it was never quite the right argument to have.
8 min read
Ages 4 to 18 -
When Your Child Is Working Out Who They AreFor parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
16 min read
Ages 11 to 18 - Trauma in ChildhoodFor parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has. 16 min read
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
76 on family stress
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family dynamics
Explaining Where Mum Is
At six, a child may ask out of the blue where their mum is; give them a short, honest answer.
Try this
- Prepare a short, true sentence in advance, pitched at the child’s age.
Health and difference
Helping Your Child Answer Questions About You
Other children will ask about your disability or illness, and your child will need words ready to answer.
Try this
- Give your child a short script for when other children ask, and practise it together.
Family dynamics
The Boundary With the Grandparent
Set a boundary with your own parent calmly and briefly, before resentment builds up.
Try this
- Have the conversation before resentment builds up.
More quick tips on family stress
-
Family dynamics
The Extroverted Parent and the Introvert Child
An extroverted parent often mistakes an introverted child’s temperament for shyness or low confidence.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family dynamics
The Grandparent Who Disagrees With You
A grandparent’s advice is given with love, but you still need to set it aside calmly.
2 min read
-
Family dynamics
The Grandparent Whose View Does Not Fit
You can be clear about how your own house runs without proving a grandparent wrong.
2 min read
-
Health and difference
When Medication Becomes Family Routine
Build the medication into something the family already does, and give your child ownership of the routine in stages.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family dynamics
When the Grandparent Becomes Ill
The grandparent who looked after the children now needs looking after.
2 min read
-
Parent wellbeing
When the Job Has Gone
Children notice when a job or income is lost, so give them a short, honest explanation.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Parent wellbeing
When We Cannot Afford It
A calm “We can’t afford that” gives your child a way to talk about money that they’ll keep.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family dynamics
When You Become the Everyday Parent
You agreed to look after them for a weekend, and the weekend has become a year.
2 min read
-
Parent wellbeing
Talking to Your Child About Money
Money is something you can talk about with your child, though most families don’t.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
-
Family dynamics
Talking to Your Child About Your Recovery
Tell your child about your recovery at their level, and take your own feelings about it to other adults.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Health and difference
The Child Who Has Become the Adult
A twelve-year-old doing the family’s supermarket shop needs to hear that they can still be a child.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
-
Family dynamics
The Conversation About What the Family Can Afford
Answer truthfully and briefly when your child asks why their friend is going skiing and they aren’t.
1 min read · Ages 9 to 16
-
Health and difference
The Day of the Diagnosis
In the days after a diagnosis, tell your child often that the condition doesn’t change who they are.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Health and difference
The School’s First Conversation About the Condition
The school needs the medical specifics, and your child needs to be known for more than their condition.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Health and difference
The Weeks That the Treatment Takes
During a parent’s long treatment, accept practical help, keep one family ritual and lower the bar on everything else.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
-
Health and difference
The Young Carer the School Misses
Most teachers don’t know which pupils are young carers, so tell the school.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Family dynamics
Twins in the Early Years
Early-years twins are more exhausting than most people realise, so cut back on everything else.
2 min read · Under 7
-
Family dynamics
When the Money Runs Thin This Month
When money gets tight, get help with the numbers and decide what the children will be told.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
-
Family dynamics
When the Other Parent Is Using
Your child can’t fix the other parent’s substance use, and they need to hear that often.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Health and difference
When Your Child Notices Their Family Is Different
Around eight, your child will notice that their family is different from their friends’ families, so be ready for it.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
-
Family dynamics
When Your Child Worries About Your Drinking
Your child has noticed, and without an explanation they will imagine something worse than the truth.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Home And Belonging
Your First GP Visit in the UK
Register with a GP as soon as you arrive; in the UK, almost all NHS care starts there.
2 min read
-
Parent wellbeing
A Plan Made in a Good Week
Agree a plan with your children in a good week, so nobody has to guess on a bad day.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Family dynamics
Growing Up Between Two Cultures
A child growing up between two cultures learns two ways of doing things, and both are theirs.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Big feelings
Living With Your Child’s Diagnosis at Home
The diagnosis is part of family life now, but most of life isn’t about it.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
-
Bodies & growing up
The Late Talker
If your child is three and not talking like other children, there is an established route to help.
2 min read · Under 7
-
Family transitions
The School Holiday You Are Doing Alone
The summer holiday as the only parent is draining, so plan for what you can keep up.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
-
Parent wellbeing
The Sunday Evening Dread
Sunday-evening dread is a sign that you’ve been doing more than you can recover from.
2 min read
-
Family transitions
The Teenager Who Refuses the New Family
A teenager who won’t engage with a new stepfamily is rarely being difficult on purpose.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
-
Family transitions
When the New Partner Meets Your Child
Before your child meets a new partner, tell them plainly who this person is, and keep the first meeting short.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family dynamics
When the Resentment Arrives at Eleven
Many well siblings come to resent being the easy one, and the unfairness they feel is real.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 13
-
Family dynamics
When the School Gets Your Role Wrong
The school may still treat you as the grandparent, even though you’re now the parent as well.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Home And Belonging
When Your Child Refuses the Food You Grew Up On
If your child has started refusing the family’s food, keep cooking it and take the pressure off.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Health and difference
The Conversation With the Children About Your Illness
Fit what you tell the children to their age, and expect to come back to it over weeks.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 18
-
Family dynamics
The Day the Fostered Child Arrives
A fostered child’s first 72 hours with you are for learning that your home is calm and predictable.
2 min read
-
Health and difference
The Day Your Diagnosis Came
After a serious diagnosis, let the children know something is happening; the full conversation can wait a few days.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 16
-
Home And Belonging
The NHS as a Whole System
Primary care, secondary care, CAMHS, A&E, the urgent advice lines. The map is worth holding.
2 min read
-
Family dynamics
The Twin Comparison Trap
Twins are compared from the start, so describe each one in their own terms, without mentioning their twin.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family dynamics
When One Twin Is Going Through Something
When one twin is struggling, the other is often overlooked just when they need to be noticed.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Family dynamics
Faith in a Household Where Parents Differ
If you and your partner differ on faith, tell your child openly, in words that suit their age.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family transitions
Leaving the House Your Child Loved
Give your child time to say goodbye to the places they loved before the boxes go.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
-
Family transitions
Telling the Children About the Separation
A child usually remembers the second conversation about a separation, when they ask what’s been on their mind.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
-
Big feelings
The Grandparent Who Was a Third Parent
The grandmother who did the school run was part of the parenting.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Big feelings
The Pregnancy That Did Not Continue
A child who was told a baby was coming grieves too, so acknowledge their grief openly.
2 min read · Under 11
-
Family transitions
The Second Child, and the First
When a new baby arrives, every first child wants to know whether they are still the one.
2 min read · Under 9
-
Family dynamics
The Sibling Who Has Noticed Everything
Your child has already noticed something is different at home, so tell them briefly what it is.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
-
Bodies & growing up
Toilet Training as a Family Project
Toilet training works when your child’s body and brain are ready, whatever the timetable says.
2 min read · Under 7
-
Family transitions
Two Birthdays, Two Christmases
Agree the year’s special days with the other parent in advance, so your child is never the one who has to choose.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Neurodiversity
When the Diagnosis Is Also a Relief
Many parents feel relief, then grief, when the diagnosis they half-expected finally comes.
2 min read
-
Home And Belonging
When the Heritage Tongue Slips
If your child used to answer you in Urdu and now answers only in English, keep speaking Urdu to them.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
-
Parent wellbeing
When Your Child Is Too Small for the Words
A child under five needs a short, calm explanation and care they can rely on.
1 min read · Under 5
-
Family dynamics
Answering a Fostered Child’s Questions About Their Past
When a fostered child asks about their past, take the question seriously and ask their social worker about it together.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
-
Family transitions
The First 48 Hours Back
After a long time apart, everyone at home has changed a little, and nobody wants to say so.
2 min read
-
Home And Belonging
The Grandparent in the Heritage Language
If the weekly call with Grandma is in Urdu, keep it that way.
2 min read
-
Home And Belonging
The Language Spoken at Home
Keep speaking your heritage language at home; the research supports it.
2 min read
-
Big feelings
The Long Shadow of Losing a Parent
A child who loses a parent will feel the loss in new ways across the next ten years.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Health and difference
The Medication on Your Bedside Table
For the parent who has not named their own medication out loud.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Big feelings
The Sibling Who Has Died
Your child has lost a brother or sister and become the only child in the house.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Home And Belonging
The Summer Trip Back
A visit to the country you left can unsettle a second-generation child; don’t make it a test they can fail.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Family dynamics
The Teenager Who Wants to Search
Wanting to search for a birth family is almost always healthy, so offer to help your teenager.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 16
-
Family transitions
The Wedding the Children Are In
Let your child choose the part they play in the wedding.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
-
Family dynamics
When the Placement Ends
A placement ending is a real loss for carer and child, and it doesn’t always end the relationship.
2 min read
-
Family dynamics
When the School Does Not See Your Child
If a school misreads your child’s culture, specific examples usually help it adjust.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Home And Belonging
When the School Misses the Third-Culture Kid
When half of your child’s life goes unmentioned at school, keep it part of everyday life at home.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family dynamics
When the Sibling Has Become a Bully
Most sibling conflict is rivalry, but some of it crosses the line into bullying.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
-
Home And Belonging
When Your Child Asks Where Home Is
A child who has moved between countries may ask where home is; answer with more than one place.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
-
Family dynamics
When Your Child Hits You
Being hurt by your own child is not a secret to keep, and there is help for both of you.
3 min read · Ages 9 to 18
-
Neurodiversity
Telling the Siblings About the Diagnosis
Brothers and sisters have usually noticed already, so tell them briefly, like any other family news.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
-
Big feelings
The Day Your Child Gets a Mental Health Diagnosis
A diagnosis puts a name to what your child has been going through.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
-
Family dynamics
The First Questions About Birth Parents
When your child asks about their birth parents at seven, what helps is a short, honest answer.
2 min read · Under 9
-
Family transitions
The Step-Sibling First Meeting
To a child, a new step-sibling is a stranger, so keep the first meeting short and low-key.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
-
Family transitions
When the Step-Parent Acts as Parent
If it grates when your new partner disciplines your child, sort it out between the adults.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
-
Family dynamics
Coming Out to the Rest of the Family
When your teenager comes out at sixteen, let them decide who in the family is told next, and when.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
5 on family stress
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 30 min
One meal without phones, yours first
One regular meal where every phone in the house, starting with yours, stays in another room.
What it is for. A child learns what a phone is for by watching what the adults use theirs for. If every phone goes into another room at one meal, it becomes something the family does, and you do not have to police it.
- The first step Pick the meal you can keep most often: supper for some families, Saturday lunch for others.
- Step 3 Say it once, as something the family does: “At supper the phones live in the hall, mine too.” There is no need to police it; your phone in the hall is the reminder.
When to get help. If something said at the table suggests that someone is frightening or hurting your child, online or off, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child has stopped seeing friends in person, their sleep has collapsed, or their mood drops hard whenever the phone is away, talk to your GP or their school’s pastoral lead. If your child is avoiding family meals, eating less and less, or hiding food, do not wait: ask your GP for an early appointment.
The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
-
To do together
A plan for a bad day, made in a good week
A one-page plan, made calmly with your children: who they can call, who does the school run, and what you say to each other on a hard day.
About 30 min · Ages 7 to 16 · With a sheet to print
-
To do together
Both homes, one calendar
Both parents keep one calendar up to date, and your teenager adds their own plans to it. Once a term, each of you asks them how the arrangements are working.
About 20 min · Ages 13 to 18
-
To do together
The people in our corner
On one sheet of paper, map the people and places your family can turn to, then choose one person to ask for help this month.
About 30 min · Under 18
-
To do together
The week on the fridge
Your child’s week across two homes, drawn in colour together and put up at their eye level, so that they do not have to keep it all in their head.
About 30 min · Under 13 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
18 on family stress
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to family stress
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with family stress, on a sheet of its own.
-
Solving it together
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
-
Time alone with each child
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
-
Ten minutes where they lead
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
-
A week across two homes
For the fridge · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
-
Telling the children
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
-
A plan for a bad day
To fill in together · A4 · Free
-
Putting it right
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
-
Who is in my corner
For you · A4 · With a subscription
-
Five steps, one week
For the fridge · A4 landscape · With a subscription
-
The hard days in the year
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
-
The people I can tell
To make together · A4, two pages · Free
-
Our screen plan
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
-
Our first phone
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
-
Their online world
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
-
After something frightening
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
-
What to say: loss and change
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
-
What to say: when it is you
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
37 on family stress
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 10
-
Families and How to Survive Them Robin Skynner & John Cleese A family psychiatrist and John Cleese in dialogue about how families work, from courtship and new babies to adolescence. Dated in places, but still a clear and often funny introduction to family systems thinking. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
-
Every Family Has a Story Julia Samuel
-
Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have Joanna Harrison
-
Hold Me Tight Sue Johnson
-
This Too Shall Pass Julia Samuel
And five more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 22
-
Grandma Jessica Shepherd · Ages 4 to 7 Oscar’s grandma has dementia and moves into a care home, and he finds new ways to be with her there. A kind, practical book for when a grandparent’s memory is changing. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
-
The Invisible Tom Percival · Ages 4 to 7
-
Up and Down Mum Summer Maçon · Ages 4 to 7
-
Hey, Kiddo Jarrett J. Krosoczka · Ages 14 to 18
-
Running on Empty S. E. Durrant · Ages 9 to 12
And 17 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 5
-
NSPCC
Supporting your child as a young carer
For families where a child helps care for a parent or sibling: how to talk about it, how to involve the school, and a young carer’s right to an assessment from the council.
-
Coram Family Lives
Teen violence and abuse at home
For parents frightened by a teenager’s aggression towards them. It names child-to-parent abuse clearly, explains early warning signs and how to de-escalate, and where to get support.
-
Anna Freud
Parents and carers in conflict or separating
Explains how parental conflict, rather than separation itself, affects children, including being drawn into the middle, and offers strategies to lower the temperature at home.
-
YoungMinds
Exam time and exam stress
Unusually honest about what exams do to a whole household, from tension and uneven attention to parents’ own stress, with ways to keep routines normal and talk to school.
-
National Autistic Society
Family relationships – a guide for parents and carers
The National Autistic Society’s guide to family life with an autistic child: support strategies, friendships, education, the teenage years and involving grandparents.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
10 on family stress
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 6
-
Emerging Minds (Australia)
Emerging Minds Families
Australia’s national centre for child mental health makes calm half-hour conversations for families on separation, siblings, body image, loneliness and community, often a parent alongside a practitioner.
Also on this shelf
-
Prof Tanya Byron and Claudia Winkleman
How Did We Get Here?
-
Emerging Minds Families
Parenting while living with mental illness
-
Emerging Minds Families
Supporting children’s wellbeing during a separation or divorce
-
All in the Mind
How to cope when your child can’t
And one more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 4
-
YouTube · 2 min
How does arguing in front of children affect them?
OnePlusOne, YouTube
Why arguing in front of children is not always harmful, what matters is how it is resolved, and how children read the difference between conflict and repair.
Also on this shelf
-
YouTube · 8 min
The impact of parental conflict on children
Anna Freud, YouTube
-
YouTube · 2 min
Toxic Stress Derails Healthy Development
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, YouTube
-
YouTube · 3 min
What Is A Young Carer | A Short Film By Young Carers
Carers Trust, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
Where money or housing is part of it, solving the practical problem does more for a child than anything said to them about it.
Where to start
-
Citizens Advice
Free, independent advice on the practical layer: housing, benefits, debt, employment, and your rights when a family separates.
When the worry is partly a practical problem wearing an emotional coat. Solving the practical part often lowers the temperature at home more than anything else will.
-
MoneyHelper
The government-backed free money guidance service, including a debt advice locator.
When money is part of what is happening at home. Children read household stress long before anyone explains it to them.
-
Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
-
Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
For family stress
-
Coram Family Lives
A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.
When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.
Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
-
Family Action FamilyLine
A free helpline for adults on family relationships, conflict, parenting, caring and money, by phone, text, email or chat, with befriending or short counselling if it would help.
When the strain is on you and there is no one to say it to.
FamilyLine 0808 802 6666 · Mon-Fri 9am-5pm; closed bank holidays. Out of hours, text FAMILYACTION to 85258
-
Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
-
Home-Start UK
Trained volunteers who visit families with young children at home, week by week, and local groups. You can refer yourself.
When the early years are harder than anyone told you and what you need is another adult in the house. What is offered varies by area.
The local branch is the right first call, and can tell you how long the wait is.
-
Relate (part of Family Action)
Relationship, family and young people’s counselling, online or at a local centre, with a short first call to see whether it fits.
When the trouble is between the adults and the children are catching it. Fees apply; local centres are separate charities.
Every organisation for family stress, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist