The chapter to start with
Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t Fair
For parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other.
13 min read · Ages 4 to 11
Family life and behaviour
Sibling conflict
For most children, a brother or sister is the longest relationship they’ll ever have. These pages cover the fights that aren’t fair, favouritism that may or may not be real, the older child who has lost their place and the younger one who has been overshadowed. They’re for the parent who keeps ending up as referee.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on sibling conflict
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Brothers and sisters fight, and for most of them it’s how they learn to negotiate. A household with no conflict in it is usually one where something is being suppressed.
- Stop refereeing who started it. You weren’t there, and ruling on it is what keeps it going.
- Give each child ten minutes with you that the other one isn’t part of. Most sibling conflict is competition for something in short supply, and that’s you.
- Intervene on safety, not on fairness. Fairness is not achievable and chasing it exhausts everyone.
Chapters
2 on sibling conflict
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
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The Child Who Saves It All for HomeA chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home.
21 min read
Under 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
12 on sibling conflict
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family transitions
The Second Child, and the First
When a new baby arrives, every first child wants to know whether they are still the one.
Try this
- Carve out ten exclusive minutes a day with the first child.
Family dynamics
The Sibling Who Has Noticed Everything
Your child has already noticed something is different at home, so tell them briefly what it is.
Try this
- Tell your child briefly, in the car, and use the clinical name.
Family dynamics
The Sibling Who Stops Asking
While one child struggles, the other may become very easy to live with and keep their worries to themselves.
Try this
- Keep something every week that’s theirs alone, such as bath time, bedtime or their swimming.
More quick tips on sibling conflict
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Family dynamics
When the Resentment Arrives at Eleven
Many well siblings come to resent being the easy one, and the unfairness they feel is real.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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Family dynamics
When Your Child Hits a Brother or Sister
Stop it, go to the child who was hurt, and leave the talking until your child has calmed down.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 9
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Family dynamics
The Twin Comparison Trap
Twins are compared from the start, so describe each one in their own terms, without mentioning their twin.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family dynamics
When One Twin Is Going Through Something
When one twin is struggling, the other is often overlooked just when they need to be noticed.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Family dynamics
When the Sibling Has Become a Bully
Most sibling conflict is rivalry, but some of it crosses the line into bullying.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Neurodiversity
Telling the Siblings About the Diagnosis
Brothers and sisters have usually noticed already, so tell them briefly, like any other family news.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Big feelings
The Sibling Who Has Died
Your child has lost a brother or sister and become the only child in the house.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Bodies & growing up
The Shut Door
A child who suddenly wants privacy is growing up, and knocking first tells them that their body is theirs.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Family transitions
The Step-Sibling First Meeting
To a child, a new step-sibling is a stranger, so keep the first meeting short and low-key.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
2 on sibling conflict
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 15 min
Time alone with each child
A regular time with each of your children on their own, doing something they choose. Keep it short enough to protect every week.
What it is for. It’s hard for brothers and sisters to share their parents’ attention. A child who can count on time that is theirs alone has less reason to fight over the time that has to be shared.
- The first step Find a slot for each child that you can keep: fifteen minutes after the youngest is in bed, the walk to Saturday swimming, breakfast out once a month with a teenager. Put each one in the diary.
Safety. Make the time when another adult is in the house or the youngest is asleep. Don’t leave a young child on their own to free up time for another.
When to get help. If, in your time together, your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If one child is regularly hurt or frightened by a brother or sister, step in each time and make sure that child is safe, and talk to your GP or their school if it goes on. If a child becomes withdrawn or anxious, stops talking to you or falls behind at school for several weeks, talk to their school and your GP.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
Losing at the kitchen table
A game now and then, where everyone loses sometimes, you included, and it is all right to be upset about losing.
About 30 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
6 on sibling conflict
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to sibling conflict
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with sibling conflict, on a sheet of its own.
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Solving it together
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Time alone with each child
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Ten minutes where they lead
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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What to say: when it is you
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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Getting it wrong
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
12 on sibling conflict
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 3
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Calm Parents, Happy Siblings Laura Markham A clinical psychologist on reducing sibling conflict by first calming the parent, then coaching children through their fights. Includes scripts for new babies, jealousy and physical aggression. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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Siblings Without Rivalry Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
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How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen Joanna Faber & Julie King
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 7
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The Sibling Survival Guide: Surefire Ways to Solve Conflicts, Reduce Rivalry, and Have More Fun with Brothers and Sisters Dawn Huebner · Ages 8 to 13 A clinical psychologist speaks directly to children about fighting, jealousy, teasing and fairness between brothers and sisters, with strategies to try and a wry sense of humour. Useful for both siblings to read. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The New Small Person Lauren Child · Ages 3 to 6
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The Squirrels Who Squabbled Rachel Bright · Ages 3 to 6
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There’s Going to Be a Baby John Burningham · Ages 2 to 5
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Me and My Sister Rose Robbins · Ages 3 to 6
And two more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 2
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Place2Be
Understanding sibling rivalry
Why siblings fight, and why it helps not to become the referee: coaching children to solve their own disputes instead of deciding who started it.
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Child Mind Institute
When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting
A clinical psychologist’s approach to constant sibling conflict: praise the cooperation you see, set clear rules for shared things, and explain that fair does not always mean equal.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
6 on sibling conflict
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 3
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All in the Mind
Sibling rivalry, Prisoner of war diaries, Inflammation and depression
UK clinical psychologist Linda Blair tells Claudia Hammond why sibling rivalry is normal, how it can be handled, and why it even has an upside. The sibling segment opens this Radio 4 episode.
Also on this shelf
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
242: How Do I Get My Kids to Like Each Other?
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Raising Good Humans
Sibling Fights: When to Step In (and When to Stay Out)
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 3
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YouTube · 9 min
How Parents Can Reduce Sibling Rivalry
Dr Laura Markham, YouTube
Clinical psychologist Laura Markham on the root causes of sibling rivalry and what parents can do day to day to lower the temperature between brothers and sisters.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 2 min
Understanding sibling rivalry | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
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YouTube · 5 min
Intervening In a Sibling Fight
Dr Laura Markham, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For sibling conflict
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Coram Family Lives
A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.
When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.
Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
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Place2Be
Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.
For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
Every organisation for sibling conflict, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist