Growing Up in Two Homes

This chapter is for the years after a separation. The first questions, about breaking the news and whether the children would be all right, are behind you. The ones that come now are practical, and they keep coming back: why your child is so hard to live with on the evening they get home, what to say about the new partner in their other home, whether they have to go this weekend when they say they don’t want to, who has them on Christmas Day, and what happens when you and the other parent can’t agree on a school.

If your separation is recent, start with When Parents Separate, which is about the separation itself: telling your child, the roles they shouldn’t be given, and your own grief. This chapter doesn’t repeat it.

The research that helps most here is about conflict. A review of the evidence by the Early Intervention Foundation, which covered separated as well as intact couples, found that when conflict between parents is frequent, intense and poorly resolved, it puts children’s mental health and long-term life chances at risk, and that its effects have been found at every stage from infancy to adulthood. Anna Freud’s guidance for separating parents adds that even indirect exposure to conflict like this can, over time, harm a child.

The same review found that the rest of family life counts as well, in particular the way a child is parented, which can make the effect of their parents’ conflict worse or lessen it. That part is yours. You can’t make the other parent reasonable, but you can decide what your child sees and hears from you, and what the week is like in your home.

Almost all of this research is about conflict in general. We’ve found very little on the particular questions in this chapter, such as handovers, holidays and new partners, and nothing on how separated parents manage an independent school. Where the chapter gives our own view, not a study’s, that is usually clear from the wording.

The handover

The handover is where your child’s two homes meet, and for many children it’s the one time in the week when both parents are in view at once. The library’s quick tip The Handover at the Door covers the doorstep: keep it short and factual, keep it about your child, and have the adult conversations somewhere else. A few years on, three other things matter as much.

The first is where it happens. If handovers are still tense, move them somewhere a conversation can’t start. School can work well: one of you takes your child in and the other collects them, so they go from one home to the other without the two of you meeting. If you do this, tell your child’s class teacher or form tutor which of you collects on which day. If you can’t be in the same place without trouble, Gingerbread suggests asking a friend or relative to do the drop-off and pick-up, or using a contact centre, where staff are there to supervise.

The second is what goes back and forth. Anna Freud’s guidance suggests letting a child take their toys between homes; for an older child the same goes for the phone charger, the football boots and the book they’re halfway through. Keep the list of what travels yourself, so your child doesn’t have to remember it all; the activity The week on the fridge puts that list beside a week your child can see, and the quick tip Your Child’s Side of the Handover covers what to keep in both homes and how to say goodbye. Messages shouldn’t travel with them. Cafcass advises parents not to use a child to pass messages between them, and that includes the note in the book bag and the question a child is asked to relay: “Ask your dad about half-term.” If every exchange between you turns into an argument, keep it written, short and about your child.

The third is the first evening back. The hours after a handover can be among the hardest of the week, for the child and for the parent they come back to. Your child has moved from one set of rules, rooms and people to another, and may be missing the parent they have just left, so they can be irritable, clingy, tearful or silent until the next day. Make the first evening easy: food they like, no big questions, and nothing about the other house unless they bring it up. When your child does tell you about their weekend, listen as you would to news from anywhere else they’d been, and if it was a good weekend, look pleased, even if that costs you something. Your Child’s Side of the Handover has words for the moment they come through the door, and after a longer stay, such as a summer at the other parent’s, The First 48 Hours Back has more.

The new partner

This section is about the new partner in the other home, and what your child does, in your home, with their feelings about that person.

Anna Freud notes that children often struggle with loyalty and, for complex reasons, feel they have to pick a side, and YoungMinds describes children who feel protective of one parent and angry with the other. A new partner in the other home gives that loyalty something to fix on. Suppose your child comes back from their mum’s and mentions, carefully, that her new partner made pancakes and was nice. They’re telling you something true, and they’re watching your face to see whether it was all right to like him.

Tell them it was. “I’m glad he was kind to you. You can like him, you know. It doesn’t take anything away from me.” Cafcass says children need to know that it’s all right to enjoy the time they spend with their other parent, and that should include liking the people who are now part of that time. Then leave it there. Don’t ask what the house is like, how often the partner stays or what the adults there argue about. Cafcass warns that it’s damaging for children to be put in the middle, “in the position of judge, spy, or parent”, and questions about the other household make your child the spy.

If your child dislikes the new partner, listen without agreeing and without defending anyone: “It sounds as if you find him hard to be around.” Then ask yourself whether something practical lies behind it that an adult could change, such as no time alone with their mum any more, or sharing a room with a step-sibling. If so, raise it with the other parent yourself. If what your child describes sounds frightening, and not just unwelcome, go to the section below on what to do if they say they aren’t safe.

If the new partner is yours, go slowly. What your child may mind most is losing time alone with you, so when someone does become part of your household, tell your child you’ll keep some time for just the two of you, and then keep it. Four quick tips cover the rest: When the New Partner Meets Your Child, The Step-Sibling First Meeting, When the Step-Parent Acts as Parent and The Wedding the Children Are In. If your teenager has stopped going to a home where there is a new family, read the tip The Teenager Who Refuses the New Family alongside the next section, When your child doesn’t want to go.

When your child doesn’t want to go

Sooner or later, many children who live in two homes say they don’t want to go to one of them, for a weekend or for longer. Before you decide what to do about it, find out why, and whichever parent you are, keep one question in mind from the start. When Cafcass assesses a child who is resisting or refusing a parent, its first step is to consider whether domestic abuse or other forms of harmful parenting are part of it. The quick tip When Your Child Does Not Want to Go is the short version of this section.

Cafcass lists several reasons a child may resist spending time with a parent: they may be frightened of a parent who has been abusive; they may be angry with a parent who left the family, or dislike a parent or their circumstances; or they may be opting out because the conflict in their family has put them under pressure. Gingerbread adds an everyday one: their friends or their club, at the time they’re due to go. Another is easy to miss. Cafcass notes that children may become worried about and protective of their parents. A child who has noticed that you’re lonely at weekends may decide, without telling anyone, to stay and keep you company.

Ask your child, openly, at a time when they aren’t about to leave, and don’t press; if they don’t want to talk, tell them they can come back to it with you whenever they like. Start with one open question: “What’s the hard part about going?” Listen without leading them towards the reason you suspect, and if what they tell you frightens you, stop asking questions and go to the next section.

Your child’s view should count, and count for more as they get older, but they shouldn’t be the one who decides. Cafcass’s guidance is that a child should never be left with the final word, and that it is their parents, above all, who need to hear what the child says, understand it and take it into account. A child who is told “It’s up to you” has been handed a choice between their parents. The NSPCC sets out the rest. No child can be made to see a parent they don’t live with, but where there is a court order, the parent the child lives with has to follow it. And although your child’s feelings matter a great deal, the NSPCC’s advice is to encourage contact as long as you’re sure your child isn’t at risk of harm.

Often the answer is practical, and it’s for the adults to find. If it’s Saturday football, the other parent takes your child to the match. If it’s a step-sibling they can’t get on with, your child gets time alone with their dad. If it’s the travelling, the weekend starts on Saturday morning. Gingerbread says older children are likely to need more flexible arrangements, which can change whenever everyone agrees it’s in the child’s interests.

If the worry is about you, tell your child you’ll be fine, and then make it true: have plans for the weekend, and mention them. Try not to let your face fall when they leave, or light up when they cancel.

If you’re the parent your child doesn’t want to come to, it hurts, and it’s hard not to take it personally. Ask them, once, what would make it easier, and change what you can, even if what they name seems unfair. Don’t make their visits the measure of whether they love you, and don’t send guilt through the other parent. Keep in touch in ways that ask little of your child, like a message about the match or a lift somewhere. If months go by and nothing changes, and there has been no abuse, family counselling can help. A relationship and family counselling charity offers it to families going through a divorce or separation; most people pay something, on a scale set by income. Relate (part of Family Action). Online at https://www.relate.org.uk/.

If your child says they aren’t safe

Sometimes a child who doesn’t want to go is frightened. What they say may be plain: someone hits them, locks them in, or leaves them on their own at night. It may be less clear: they’re scared when someone there has been drinking, or they won’t say why they don’t want to go. Your child may come back hurt. And it may be about your own home: your partner, or someone else who lives with you or visits. Everything that follows applies to either home.

If you think someone may be hurting your child, act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page; if that person may live with your child, in either home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. Self-harm, or any talk, however glancing, of not wanting to be here at all, is a reason to act the same day, not after weeks: ask for an urgent GP appointment or, if the surgery is closed, use the 111 route under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page. If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. If they are in immediate danger, call 999.

If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. Let them tell you in their own words, and do not question them about it. The NSPCC’s guidance for when a child tells you about abuse adds the detail:

• Listen carefully, be patient, and focus on what your child is telling you.
• Tell them they were right to tell you, that it isn’t their fault, and that you’re taking it seriously.
• Explain what you’re going to do next.
• Make notes of what your child said as soon as you can afterwards.
• Do not confront the person your child has named. The NSPCC warns that it could make things worse for your child.

If your child is in danger now, call 999. Otherwise, contact children’s social care for the area where your child lives, which Cafcass and GOV.UK both give as the route for a concern about a child’s safety or welfare; if you are not sure which area that is, the children’s social care team where you live, or the police, can advise. In Northern Ireland, contact the Gateway team for children’s social work at the Health and Social Care Trust for that area. A national child protection helpline takes calls from any adult worried about a child. You don’t need to be sure before you ring, or to give your name, and a child protection specialist will listen and, where it’s needed, pass on what you’ve said to social services or the police. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free. Tell the designated safeguarding lead at your child’s school or college as well. Every school and college in England should have one, and part of the job is working with children’s social care.

If your child is due to go back before anyone has advised you, say so when you ring, and say when. YoungMinds advises a parent worried about a child’s safety with the other parent to get practical and legal advice on what to do, and notes that in some cases it may not be right for a child to see that parent for now. If there is a court order, speak to a family lawyer that day, because you may have to explain your decision to the court. In England, Child Law Advice, from Coram Children’s Legal Centre, gives parents free advice on family law. Do not make this decision alone, and do not ask your child to make it. If the handover is close and nobody has advised you, call the police before it.

When what your child says is less clear, do not ignore it, and do not turn it into an investigation. If your child seems frightened to go to one home, notice what they say in their own words, do not question them or ask them to choose, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page. If it is only that your child won’t say why they don’t want to go, tell them they can talk to you whenever they want to, and talk it over with the child protection helpline above, your child’s school or your GP. “I’m not sure whether this is anything” is a perfectly good way to start the call.

If your worry is about one particular adult in your child’s life, you can ask the police whether that person has a record for child sexual offences, through the Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme in England and Wales; Scotland and Northern Ireland have similar schemes. The police decide what to share, and tell only the adult best placed to protect your child, who may be your child’s other parent and not you. It can take weeks, and anything you are told must be kept confidential. Being told there is nothing to share does not mean the person is safe, and the schemes are not for a child who may be being hurt now: for that, act that day, as this section describes.

If there was abuse between you and your child’s other parent, the NSPCC says co-parenting may be difficult or not possible. It suggests telling your child they can come to you if anything the other parent does or says makes them uncomfortable or confused, and keeping your own communication with that parent to a minimum and about your child, through a parenting app if that helps. Choose one that does not show where you or your child are. If there is a court order, give your child’s school a copy of the most recent one, checking first whether you need the court’s permission to share it, and tell the school if your address must not be shared. If the other parent has been abusive, get legal advice about the contact arrangements. If you are still frightened of the other parent yourself, the library’s urgent help page, at theparentbook.com/urgent-help, lists the domestic abuse helplines for each part of the UK, including a line for men. If you are in danger now, call 999.

Christmas and the other big days

What follows uses Christmas as the example, and all of it applies to Eid, Diwali, Hanukkah, birthdays and any other day your family keeps. Agree Christmas early, in writing, and before either of you has made plans. Cafcass suggests agreeing birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and festivals well ahead, with extra time to plan a holiday away, and Gingerbread notes that parents often take turns on special days. If the holiday is abroad, GOV.UK’s guidance for England and Wales is that you need the permission of everyone with parental responsibility, or of a court, before you go, and that taking a child abroad without it is child abduction. The exception is a parent named in a child arrangements order as the one your child lives with, who may take your child abroad for up to twenty-eight days without asking, unless a court order says otherwise.

Some families alternate Christmas Day from year to year, some split the day, and some make Christmas Eve or Boxing Day the second Christmas; the quick tip Two Birthdays, Two Christmases goes through the choices. Try to have it settled by the October half-term, so your child isn’t left wondering in December. If it would help to write it down together, there is a free plan that separated parents in England can fill in together online, whether or not a court is involved, which covers school holidays and special occasions. Cafcass (for separating parents). Online at https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/my-family-involved-private-law-proceedings/resources-help-you-make-arrangements-are-your-childs-best-interests/how-parenting-plan-can-help.

Then tell your child all of it: where they’ll wake up, when they’ll move between homes, and when they’ll talk to the parent they aren’t with. Agree a time for that call, and let your child make it without an audience. If they still believe in Father Christmas, tell them where he’s coming this year, and that he knows about both houses. A week across two homes, the sheet that goes with The week on the fridge, has a second page for a holiday.

Ask your child what matters to them about the day, such as the carol service, the cousins or the stocking, and build the plan around those. Don’t ask which of you they’d rather spend it with, because that’s asking them to choose between you. Agree roughly what each of you is giving them, so the big present doesn’t become a contest.

YoungMinds notes that it can help children to see their parents together now and then, at a celebration, a graduation, a wedding or an important family meal. If the two of you can share part of Christmas Day safely and without tension, the presents in the morning or lunch, it may mean a great deal to your child. If it would end in an argument, spend the day apart. If the other parent has been abusive, keep the days separate, and get legal advice about the arrangements.

If you’ll be on your own for part of Christmas, plan that part as carefully as your child’s. They’ll ask whether you’ll be all right, and the most useful answer is a specific one: “I’m going to Anna’s for lunch, and I’ll see you on Boxing Day.” If they think you’ll be alone and sad, they may spend their Christmas worrying about you.

When you can’t agree on a school

Choosing a school is one of the largest decisions separated parents still make together, and it can bring old arguments back. In England and Wales, if you both have parental responsibility, Gingerbread’s guidance is that important decisions, such as which school your child goes to, have to be agreed by everyone who has it, while everyday ones can be made by whichever of you they’re with. The rules are different in Scotland. Northern Ireland has its own law on parental responsibility, so if you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland, ask a family lawyer there.

Start talking early, before either of you has registered your child anywhere or booked a tutor, because a plan already under way is much harder to agree to. Go to open days together if you can, or separately if you can’t, and compare notes in writing. If sitting together at a parents’ evening would be tense, ask the school for separate appointments.

Your child’s school can’t settle it for you. The Department for Education’s guidance to schools in England says staff must treat all parents equally unless a court order says otherwise, that every parent, with or without parental responsibility, can receive information such as reports, and that a school should avoid becoming involved in parental conflicts; where it can’t resolve a disagreement, it should advise the parent to go to the family court. The guidance says nothing specific about independent schools, so if your child is at one, ask how the school handles two households: who receives the reports, the letters and the bills, and whose signature it needs.

Before a court, there’s mediation. Gingerbread explains that you’ll usually need to attend a mediation information and assessment meeting before applying for a court order, a step that may be waived where there has been domestic abuse. If mediation fails, a court can make a specific issue order, which settles one question, such as which school a child goes to, but Gingerbread calls court a last resort: it can be expensive, stressful and slow, and nobody can promise you the outcome you want. If you need a family lawyer, you can find one who has signed up to a code of practice that commits them to reduce conflict and to encourage families to put children’s interests first. Resolution. Online at https://resolution.org.uk/find-a-law-professional/.

Ask your child what they think after the open days. Give their view more weight at thirteen than at ten, but make the decision with the other parent, and keep the argument out of their hearing. The 11+ Year has more on keeping a year of school choices in proportion.

At different ages

The bands here are rough. What changes with age is mostly how much your child can tell you, and how much say they should have.

If your child is between five and seven. Keep handovers the same each time. Cafcass notes that young children may become clingy or have trouble sleeping after a separation, and a few years on you may still see it around a change of home. The quick tip The Diary Across Two Houses and the activity The week on the fridge put the week where your child can see it.

If your child is between seven and eleven. They’re old enough now to notice what each of you thinks of the other, and they may try to keep you both happy. If they start reporting on the other house, When Parents Separate suggests how to turn the report down kindly. Parties, matches and sleepovers start to run into the arrangement; sort them out between the adults, so your child isn’t choosing between a friend’s party and a weekend with a parent.

If your child is between eleven and sixteen. Their life outside both homes grows, and the arrangement has to bend around it. Cafcass says that children’s needs and wishes change as they get older, and that parents should be ready to review the arrangements together as they do. Expect your child to want a say, and give them one; from thirteen, the activity Both homes, one calendar is one way to do it without making them the go-between. Among the signs Cafcass lists in a teenager who is struggling with a separation are skipping school, falling results, withdrawing to their room more than usual, changes in sleep or eating, and drinking or using drugs. If changes like these have lasted more than a fortnight, or you are worried at any point, see your GP, and tell their school. When They Stop Talking to You is about the withdrawal that’s normal at this age, and how to tell it apart from something more.

If your child is sixteen or older. The arrangement is now largely theirs. When Parents Separate covers keeping your home open without keeping count of the nights, and the conversation your teenager may now want to have about what happened between you.

Results days, birthdays and leaving home

Some of the days that will matter most to your child are still ahead: results days, their eighteenth birthday, leaving home, perhaps a graduation or a wedding of their own. If they want both of you there, they won’t want to spend the day managing you. When those days come, agree between you, well ahead, where each of you will be and for how long, so that they don’t have to.

NOTES

1. Harold, Gordon, Acquah, Daniel, Sellers, Ruth and Chowdry, Haroon, edited by Leon Feinstein. What Works to Enhance Inter-Parental Relationships and Improve Outcomes for Children. Early Intervention Foundation for the Department for Work and Pensions, DWP ad hoc research report no. 32, published on GOV.UK on 22 March 2016; the key findings are also on the EIF’s report page. Conflict between parents that is frequent, intense and poorly resolved puts children’s mental health and long-term life chances at risk, with effects evidenced from infancy to adulthood, and negativity in parenting can make the impact worse or lessen it (page 13). The review covers separated as well as intact couples (page 12).
2. Anna Freud. Parents and carers in conflict or separating, no date on the page. Conflict affects parents who have separated or divorced as well as couples, and even indirect exposure to frequent, intense, poorly resolved conflict can, over time, harm a child’s wellbeing; loyalty and the pull to pick a side; at a handover, be civil and let the child bring toys between homes.
3. Gingerbread. Child contact arrangements, last updated 18 August 2026. Handovers through a friend or relative, or at a contact centre with staff to supervise; a child who doesn’t want to go, where the reason may be friends or activities or something more serious, and their safety comes first; special days agreed in advance, often in turns; more flexible arrangements for older children, changed whenever everyone agrees it is in the child’s interest; legal advice about contact arrangements if the other parent has been abusive.
4. Cafcass. Communicating with your child’s other parent during separation, no date on the page. Not using a child to pass messages between parents.
5. Cafcass. Coping with your child’s reactions and Supporting your child through divorce and separation, no dates on the pages. Children worried about and protective of their parents; clinginess and poor sleep in young children; knowing it is all right to enjoy time with the other parent (Coping). “Judge, spy, or parent”; a child’s voice heard and considered, above all by their parents, but never the final word; the signs listed for teenagers in the table of ways children show distress indirectly, among them drinking too much and using drugs (Supporting).
6. YoungMinds. Divorce and separation, parents’ A to Z guide, reviewed February 2024, next review 2027. Protective of one parent and angry with the other; with safety concerns, practical and legal advice, and contact that may not be right for now; children seeing both parents together at celebrations, graduations, weddings and important family meals.
7. Cafcass. Alienating behaviours, no date on the page. The reasons a child may resist or refuse a parent, and the first step in Cafcass’s assessment: whether domestic abuse or other harmful parenting is a factor.
8. NSPCC. Separation and divorce: rights and responsibilities, no date on the page. A child can’t be forced to see a parent they don’t live with, but a court order must be followed; encourage contact as long as you’re sure the child is not at risk of harm; refuse contact only if you think the child is likely to come to harm, and you may need to explain this in court; the Coram Children’s Legal Centre offers free information and advice on the law.
9. Relate. Family counselling and Our fees explained, no dates on the pages. Family counselling for families going through a divorce or separation; most people pay something, with the price set by income, and there are some free sessions for those who are eligible.
10. NSPCC. What to do if a child reveals abuse and NSPCC Helpline, no dates on the pages. Listen, reassure, explain what happens next, take notes, report promptly, and don’t confront the alleged abuser, which could make things worse for the child; the helpline is for any adult concerned about a child, needs no emergency and no name, and can pass information to social services or the police.
11. Cafcass. I am worried for myself or a child, no date on the page; GOV.UK. Report child abuse to a local council, first published April 2015; nidirect. Reporting child abuse and neglect, modified 24 October 2025 (the page’s metadata; no date shows on the page). A concern about a child’s safety goes to children’s social care at the local authority where the child lives, and to the police in an emergency; if you do not know where the child lives, your local council’s team, the NSPCC or the police can advise; GOV.UK’s reporting service covers England. In Northern Ireland, the Gateway Services teams for Children’s Social Work at the Health and Social Care Trust for the area where the child lives.
12. Department for Education. Keeping children safe in education 2026, part one, paragraph 8. Statutory guidance for schools and colleges in England from September 2026: every school and college should have a designated safeguarding lead, who liaises with local authority children’s social care.
13. NSPCC. Supporting children through separation and divorce, no date on the page. Where there has been domestic abuse, co-parenting may be difficult or not possible; the child should know they can say if the other parent makes them uncomfortable or confused; a parenting app keeps communication focused on the child and to a minimum.
14. Cafcass. Planning your child’s time with both parents after separation and How an Our Child’s Plan (formerly Parenting Plan) can help, no dates on the pages. Special days agreed well ahead; extra time for a holiday away; arrangements reviewed together as children’s needs and wishes change; a free plan that parents can complete together online, covering school holidays and special occasions, which can avoid going to court.
15. Gingerbread. Parental responsibility and Help when you can’t agree, both last updated 7 April 2025; GOV.UK. Parental rights and responsibilities, last updated October 2015; legislation.gov.uk. The Children (Northern Ireland) Order 1995, article 6, “Meaning of ‘parental responsibility’”. A child’s school agreed by everyone with parental responsibility, routine decisions by whoever is looking after the child; the mediation meeting and its waiver after domestic abuse; the specific issue order; court as a last resort; different rules in Scotland; Northern Ireland’s own law on parental responsibility.
16. Department for Education. Understanding and dealing with issues relating to parental responsibility, updated 24 August 2023. England: treat all parents equally; information such as reports for every parent, including one without parental responsibility; schools should ask for a copy of the most recent court order, which a parent may first need the court’s permission to share, and should protect parents’ private data, above all where a parent may be at risk of domestic violence; avoid parental conflicts and refer an unresolved one to the family court. Nothing specific on independent schools.
17. Resolution. Code of Practice, no date on the page. Members commit to reduce or manage conflict and to encourage families to put the best interests of any children first.
18. GOV.UK. Get permission to take a child abroad, updated 9 January 2025. The permission of everyone with parental responsibility, or of a court, before taking a child abroad; taking a child abroad without permission is child abduction; a parent the child must live with under a child arrangements order may take the child abroad for 28 days without permission, unless a court order says they cannot. The page does not say which nations it covers.
19. NHS. Depression in children and young people, last reviewed 16 May 2023, next review due 16 May 2026 (now past). Get help early if you think your child may be depressed, starting with a GP appointment. The page gives no time; the fortnight in the chapter is the library’s approved GP threshold (E4).
20. Coram Children’s Legal Centre. Child Law Advice, modified 6 May 2026 (the page’s metadata). Legal advice and information on child, family and education law for parents, carers and young people in England, with free advice by telephone, email and webchat; a booked callback costs a fee. Not on the brief’s list of sources (flag 7).
21. GOV.UK. Find out if a person has a record for child sexual offences, updated 3 April 2023. The police can tell parents, carers and guardians if someone has a record for child sexual offences, through the Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme in England and Wales; similar schemes in Scotland and Northern Ireland. Home Office. Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme: public guidance and police guidance, updated 3 April 2023. Disclosure only to the person best placed to protect the child; 28 days at most; confidential; no substitute for child protection procedures (paragraph 12); no disclosure is not proof of no risk (paragraph 99).

Where to go further

NSPCC, Separation and divorce: rights and responsibilities A short, plain guide to parental responsibility and contact. Its answer to the question of when a child can refuse to see a parent is the most balanced we’ve read.

Cafcass, How an Our Child’s Plan can help Cafcass advises the family courts, but its plan is for any separated parents to fill in together online, whether or not a court is involved. It covers communication, living arrangements, school holidays and special occasions, and it’s a practical way to settle the holidays before they arrive.

YoungMinds, Divorce and separation The clearest page we know for parents on how a child may feel in the years after a separation. It gives words for several of the conversations in this chapter, including the one with a child who has stopped going to one home, and says what to do differently when your child’s safety is the worry.