Both homes, one calendar

The activity

Both parents keep one calendar up to date, and she adds her own plans to it. Once a term, each of you asks her how the arrangements are working.

What it is for. Teenagers living across two homes often say they want a say in the arrangements, and don’t want to be the go-between. A calendar the adults keep accurate, which she can see and add to, gives her a voice without putting her in the middle.

• The first step. Agree between the adults which calendar you will use and who updates what. Do this without her.

Safety. Where there has been domestic abuse, or an address needs to stay private, don’t use a shared calendar or location sharing that could show where she or you are. You don’t have to agree changes with the other parent directly; get advice on a safe way to do it.

When to get help. If she seems low for several weeks, withdraws, her schoolwork falls away or she starts taking risks, talk to your GP and her school. If she tells you she is frightened to go to one home, or that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she doesn’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If the person hurting her lives in either home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• When Parents Separate. For parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Separation and divorce. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Co-parenting. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.