When Contact With the Birth Family Unsettles Your Child

A child may be anxious before contact with birth family and unsettled after it; telling them what will happen, and keeping the next day predictable, helps with both.

A two-minute read, three things to try, for children under 16.

Where to start

Beforehand, tell your child what will happen and that you think it is good to go.
Afterwards, don’t press for a report; keep tomorrow predictable and let your child bring it up.
Keep notes for a fortnight; take worries to your child’s social worker or support team.
If you think someone is hurting your child, or your child tells you so, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.

The rest of the tip, and why it works, is in the library.

Sources

The Fostering Network, Positive contact in foster care (2025); Research in Practice, Working with adoptive parents to understand contact, adapted from Neil and Beek (2020); Neil, Staying in touch: changing our approach to contact after adoption (Research in Practice, 2024); Public Law Working Group, Recommendations for best practice in respect of adoption (2024); NSPCC, What to do if a child reveals abuse (2026)

It goes with

A Child With Two Families. For parents and carers whose child came to them through adoption, special guardianship, kinship care or fostering.
The Child Who Saves It All for Home. A chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

Adoption, fostering and kinship care. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
Family stress. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.

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If you need help right now

If you or your child is in immediate danger: 999 · Go to your nearest A&E · 24/7.
If either you or your child is in a mental health crisis: NHS 111 · England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000 · 24/7.
If your child is under 19 and needs to talk to someone themselves: Childline · 0800 1111 · 24/7 · www.childline.org.uk.
If you are worried that a child is being harmed or is at risk: NSPCC Helpline · 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · email help@nspcc.org.uk · www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.
If you would prefer to text rather than speak: Shout · Text SHOUT to 85258 · 24/7 · giveusashout.org.
If you or someone you are worried about needs someone to talk to: Samaritans · 116 123 · 24/7 · www.samaritans.org.

If you need help right now

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.