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Behaviour

Behaviour

The visible end of what is happening underneath. The hitting, the tantrum, the door slamming, the child who has stopped doing what she is asked. We try to read behaviour as language rather than verdict, the four-year-old’s body saying what her words cannot yet shape. The pages here look for the question beneath the action.

Everything the library holds on this, on one page. The whole of it is at theparentbook.com/help/behaviour

If this is happening right now

Behaviour is communication before it is defiance. A child who has come undone has run out of capacity, not out of manners.

  1. In the moment, get lower than she is, slow your own voice, and name the feeling before addressing the behaviour. The thinking part of her brain is offline; nothing said to it will land.
  2. Do the repair afterwards, an hour later, in three sentences. That was hard for both of us; I was sharp; I love you. The repair is the part that teaches.
  3. Look at the week rather than the incident. Most explosions have a hungry, tired or overloaded hour behind them.

Some tips to try

Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.

  • When Mealtimes Are About Control. A child’s relationship with food is, almost always, a child’s relationship with control.
    • You decide what, when, where. She decides whether and how much.
    • Keep one family meal that happens regardless of who eats.
    • Do not comment on bodies, anyone’s, or moralise food.
    theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-plate-as-the-last-place
  • The Three-Year-Old Who Hits. She is three. The hitting is communication.
    • Brief and immediate: “No hitting. Hitting hurts. I am going to move you.”
    • Give her words in the calm moments: “You look frustrated. Your tower fell.”
    • Resist labelling her the aggressive one; “she is three” keeps the picture in view.
    theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-three-year-old-who-hits
  • Making Home Easier on Her Senses. By bath time she has been processing sensory input for eleven hours.
    • Dimmer or warmer-coloured bulb in the kitchen for the after-school hour.
    • Noise-cancelling headphones in her bag for the walk home.
    • A specific chair in the kitchen that is hers; the table becomes predictable.
    theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/small-adjustments-in-everyday-rooms

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Where else to go

For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
  • Place2Be. School-based counselling charity. Their Parenting Smart articles are written by school-based counsellors and are my default for primary-age concerns. When the chapter is about primary-age (5-to-11) social or emotional concerns, particularly anything school-anchored. The Parenting Smart articles on friendship, behaviour and routines are the strongest sub-resource. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
  • Family Lives. A free confidential helpline for any parenting concern. I send parents here when the question is about them, not about the child. When the chapter is about the experience of parenting itself, the family system, or a parent who needs to be listened to. Particularly strong for bullying and for the parent who is holding things together at the edge of their capacity. Family Lives confidential helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm · Live chat Mon-Fri 10.30am-9pm; WhatsApp 07441 444125; email askus@familylives.org.uk www.familylives.org.uk
  • YoungMinds. The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern. When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk www.youngminds.org.uk/parent

The full list for behaviour, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/behaviour/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.