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Family life and behaviour

Behaviour

The ring of it.

Behaviour is the visible part of what’s going on inside a child: the hitting, the tantrums, the shoes thrown at the wall after school, the child who has stopped doing what they’re asked. We read it as communication, a four-year-old’s body saying what their words can’t yet, and these pages are for the parent trying to work out what lies behind it.

What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.

What the library holds on behaviour

For a child aged

From the therapists

What to do first

Behaviour is communication before it’s defiance. A child who has come undone has run out of the capacity to cope, not out of manners.

  1. In the moment, get lower than your child is, slow your voice down, and name the feeling before you deal with the behaviour. They won’t be able to take in reasoning for a while.
  2. Repair things afterwards, an hour later, in three sentences: “That was hard for both of us; I was sharp; I love you.” The repair is the part your child learns from.
  3. Look back over the week for what led up to it. Most explosions have a hungry, tired or overloaded hour behind them.

If you are worried about a child’s safety

Safeguarding: what to do and who to tellUrgent help

Chapters

2 on behaviour

The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.

Quick tips

16 on behaviour

Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.

Big feelings

The Meltdown in Public

In the middle of it your child can’t listen, so the next ten minutes are for getting them safe and calm, and the talking comes later.

Try this

  • Get your child somewhere safe with fewer people, stay close, and say very little.

From the tip

If they’re getting more frequent or worse, or your child hurts themselves or someone else, talk to your health visitor or GP, and take the notes with you.

Family dynamics

When the Rules Stop Working at Fifteen

At fifteen, most of what you know about your teenager’s life is what they choose to tell you, so keep a few rules and let the rest go.

Try this

  • Keep a few rules you’ll stick to, and let the minor issues go.
  • If your teenager hits or threatens anyone at home, leave the room, and call the police if you need to.

From the tip

Research on teenagers has found that most of what parents know about their child’s life comes from what the child chooses to tell them, and that teenagers tell more when home feels warm. So when your teenager tells you something you don’t like, keep your first reply short and even. Any consequence can wait until tomorrow, when you are both calm; only something that puts them in danger needs acting on tonight. In a row, say you will talk later and leave the room. Don’t threaten anything you won’t do.

Violence is different. If your teenager hits, pushes or threatens you or anyone else at home, you don’t have to put up with it. Don’t use force yourself. Leave the room, and if that doesn’t make everyone safe, don’t wait. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour. Many parents hold back for fear of getting their child into trouble; keeping everyone safe comes first. Talk to the school and your GP as well. A national parenting helpline takes calls about teenagers’ behaviour, including aggression at home. Coram Family Lives, 0808 800 2222. Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.

If your teenager’s behaviour has changed suddenly, ask yourself whether something is happening to them, such as bullying, low mood, or someone older grooming or exploiting them. If you suspect grooming or exploitation, act that day: a national child protection helpline will talk it through with you and tell you whether it needs to go further. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.

Bodies & growing up

When You Find a Vape

Most teenagers don’t vape, and most who have tried were given their first one, usually by a friend.

Try this

  • Ask how often your child vapes and where they get them, before you decide anything.
  • If they want to stop, talk to the GP, a pharmacist or the school nurse.

From the tip

The GP, a pharmacist or the school nurse can help; some nicotine replacement products are licensed from age 12 for young people dependent on vaping.

If your child is selling vapes, or someone older is giving them vapes, money or a phone, someone may be exploiting them, and exploited children are victims first. Don’t confront the people involved yourself. Act that day: a national child protection helpline will talk it through with you and tell you whether it needs to go further. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.

A vape from a friend, social media or an unofficial seller may not contain what it claims: the government has warned that so-called THC vapes, sold as cannabis, often contain dangerous synthetic cannabinoids, known as spice.

If your child collapses, or is very drowsy or hard to wake, confused, struggling to breathe or having a fit after using a vape, call an ambulance first. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.

More quick tips on behaviour

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Things to do together

4 on behaviour

Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.

To do together · About 20 min

Solving it together

When nobody is upset, pick one problem that keeps causing rows, hear your child’s side of it first, then say yours, and work out a plan you can both keep.

What it is for. A problem that keeps coming back, such as getting up for school or the phone at night, is usually one your child finds hard for a reason. Talking it through when nobody is upset, starting with their view, often finds a plan that holds better than a rule made in the middle of a row.

  1. The first step Pick one problem that keeps coming back, and describe it without blame: “I’ve noticed that getting up for school has been hard lately. What’s up?”

When to get help. If rows are getting more frequent or turning violent, or your child’s behaviour has changed suddenly, talk to their school and your GP. If what your child tells you about their side suggests that someone is hurting, frightening or pressuring them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child goes missing, if they or anyone at home is in danger, or if your child talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, act straight away, using the same routes.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

More to do together

  • To do together

    First this, then that

    A card with two pictures, the thing to do first and the thing that comes next, for a young child who finds it hard to stop one thing and start another.

    About 15 min · Under 9 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    Ten minutes where your child leads

    Ten minutes most days when your child chooses what you play and you follow their lead. You don’t teach, correct or ask questions, and they never have to earn it.

    About 10 min · Under 11 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    A place to settle, with you nearby

    A comfortable corner, chosen with your child, for when a feeling gets too big. While they are small you go there together, and nobody is ever sent there.

    About 20 min · Under 9

16 on behaviour

Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.

To print and keep

The guide to behaviour

What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.

See the sheet

Who else can help with behaviour, on a sheet of its own.

Every sheet to print

Books and reading

44 on behaviour

Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.

For you 27

  • Cover of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin with Carlo Rotella
     The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child Alan E. Kazdin with Carlo Rotella From the Yale Parenting Center, a structured programme built on decades of trials: praise the behaviour you want, practise it in play, use points charts and keep consequences mild and brief.

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King
     How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen Joanna Faber and Julie King
  • Cover of Lost at School by Ross W. Greene
     Lost at School Ross W. Greene
  • Cover of No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury
     No Bad Kids Janet Lansbury
  • Cover of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long
     Parenting the Strong-Willed Child Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long

And 22 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read with your child 5

  • Cover of Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi
     Hands Are Not for Hitting Martine Agassi · Ages 2 to 4 A sturdy board book for toddlers who hit, showing all the things hands can do instead, such as waving, hugging and building. Short enough to read in the moment and repeat often. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of Oh No, George! by Chris Haughton
     Oh No, George! Chris Haughton · Ages 2 to 5
  • Cover of What to Do When Your Temper Flares by Dawn Huebner
     What to Do When Your Temper Flares Dawn Huebner · Ages 6 to 12
  • Cover of Starving the Anger Gremlin for Children Aged 5–9 by Kate Collins-Donnelly
     Starving the Anger Gremlin for Children Aged 5–9 Kate Collins-Donnelly · Ages 5 to 9
  • Cover of The Story of Tracy Beaker by Jacqueline Wilson
     The Story of Tracy Beaker Jacqueline Wilson · Ages 8 to 11

Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read online 12

  • Royal College of Psychiatrists

    Behavioural problems

    The Royal College of Psychiatrists’ leaflet on persistent behaviour problems: what counts as normal, possible causes, how parenting programmes help, and when to seek assessment.

  • YoungMinds

    Challenging behaviour

    Why a child might be behaving this way, spotting patterns and triggers, the roles of neurodiversity and racism, and when to seek professional help.

  • NHS

    Dealing with child behaviour problems

    The NHS basics for toddler and preschool behaviour: be consistent, stay calm, praise the good, avoid smacking, and know when to ask a health visitor for more help.

  • Child Mind Institute

    Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?

    Looks past the outburst to what might be driving it, such as anxiety, ADHD, sensory difficulties or learning problems, and explains why giving in tends to make meltdowns more frequent.

  • Place2Be

    Using praise and reward with children

    How specific, warm praise and small rewards shape behaviour better than criticism, why it can feel hard to do consistently, and simple activities to build the habit.

  • Place2Be

    My child keeps getting angry and lashing out

    Looks at the feelings that often hide behind angry outbursts, such as fear or shame, and offers calming techniques to use with a child before, during and after.

  • Place2Be

    My child might have bullied someone

    For the parent who gets the call from school: staying calm, understanding what lies behind the behaviour, and helping a child take responsibility and repair things.

  • Coram Family Lives

    Teen violence and abuse at home

    For parents frightened by a teenager’s aggression towards them. It names child-to-parent abuse clearly, explains early warning signs and how to de-escalate, and where to get support.

  • Place2Be

    The importance of limits and consequences for children

    Why children feel safer with clear, calm limits, and how to set consequences that are fair, proportionate and followed through without shouting.

  • Child Mind Institute

    When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting

    A clinical psychologist’s approach to constant sibling conflict: praise the cooperation you see, set clear rules for shared things, and explain that fair does not always mean equal.

  • Place2Be

    De-escalation techniques with children

    Walks through the escalation cycle, why both adult and child get caught in it, and specific ways to stay calm and bring the temperature down.

  • National Autistic Society

    Meltdowns – a guide for all audiences

    Explains how an autistic meltdown differs from a tantrum, what to do during one, and how to reduce triggers such as sensory overload and changes in routine.

Podcasts and films

18 on behaviour

Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.

Podcasts 6

Also on this shelf

  • Dr Becky Kennedy

    Good Inside with Dr. Becky

  • Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life

    242: How Do I Get My Kids to Like Each Other?

  • Raising Good Humans

    Sibling Fights: When to Step In (and When to Stay Out)

  • ADHD Experts Podcast

    553- The Power of Behavioral Parent Training for ADHD

And one more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Films 12

  • YouTube · 6 min

    How to handle toddler tantrums

    NSPCC, YouTube

    NSPCC advice on why toddlers have tantrums, how to stay calm yourself, and simple ways to prevent and ride out the hardest moments without shouting or smacking.

Also on this shelf

  • YouTube · 5 min

    Kids Do Well if They Can Ross Greene #1

    Dr Ross Greene, YouTube

  • YouTube · 5 min

    Is My Child’s Anger Normal? | Child Mind Institute

    Child Mind Institute, YouTube

  • YouTube · 2 min

    What Does it mean to Look Beyond Behaviors?

    Dr Mona Delahooke, YouTube

  • YouTube · 2 min

    My child has meltdowns | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart

    Place2Be, YouTube

And seven more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

Where to start

  • Your child’s school

    The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.

    Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

  • Your GP

    The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.

    Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.

    www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

  • Private therapy, if you can meet the cost

    A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.

    When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.

    theparentbook.com/finding-a-therapist

For behaviour

  • Place2Be

    Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.

    For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.

    parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk

  • Action for Children Parent Talk

    A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.

    When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.

    Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions

    parents.actionforchildren.org.uk

  • Coram Family Lives

    A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.

    When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.

    Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.

    www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline

  • YoungMinds

    The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.

    When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.

    Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.

    www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline

Every organisation for behaviour, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist