The wider questions of how a family is run. Boundaries, routines, the language used in the kitchen at six on a Tuesday, the decisions a parent makes about phones, friends, money, faith. The pages here are not a manual. They are the small recurring moves our practice has watched make a difference across the years.
There is no manual, and the parents who look certain are usually not. Doing one thing consistently beats doing five things well for a fortnight.
Pick the single hour of the day that goes worst, and change one thing in it. Not the whole day.
Say what will happen rather than asking whether it may. Warmth and clarity are not opposites.
Repair when you get it wrong, out loud. It is the most powerful thing in the whole repertoire and it costs three sentences.
What helps
Let home be the place she does not have to keep working.The school will hold the academic preparation, alongside the class teacher and the in-school enrichment that the year is built around. Your job at home is to provide somewhere that does not feel like that. The home is the place to recover, not the place to keep working.
Praise the effort, the behaviour, the trying.“You kept going when that question was hard.” “You were kind to your sister tonight.” Specific, observed, not evaluative. Praise that depends on outcomes is praise that adds pressure.
Co-regulate before you communicate.Your calm body settles theirs. Sit close. Slow your own breathing. The most regulating thing in the room is a calm parent, not a clever sentence. Save the words for after the storm has passed.
Name the feeling out loud.“That sounds really hard.” “You look really worried.” Naming reduces the felt-strangeness of the emotion and shifts brain activity from the alarm centre toward the language centre. It is one of the most evidence-supported interventions there is.
Some tips to try
Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.
Before You Choose a Private Clinic.Five questions before you pay. A clinic that cannot answer them is suspect.
Ask: who is conducting it, with what registration, multidisciplinary or not.
Ask: will the report be accepted by the NHS for prescribing.
Ask: is post-assessment support included or charged separately.
“Mistake of the week” at Sunday dinner. Each family member shares one mistake they made that week, and what they learned. Yours included. The conversation reframes mistakes as the texture of trying, not the absence of success.
Sunday dinner is a good time, but any regular weekly meal works.
Introduce it once, calmly. “We’re going to try something. Each of us will share one mistake we made this week, and what we learned from it.”
You go first. The honest, ordinary kind, “I sent an email to the wrong person.” “I burnt the supper on Tuesday.” “I got cross with Granny on the phone and I shouldn’t have.”
Take it seriously. Don’t laugh off your own mistake. The modelling is the point.
Something to watch: Anxiety Canada: Parent Resources Channel, Anxiety Canada, YouTube.Anxiety Canada’s parent-facing video material on supporting an anxious child, transferable to UK families and useful alongside the Anxiety UK and YoungMinds resources named across the anxiety chapter and tips.www.youtube.com/@AnxietyCanada
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Your child’s school.The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps.Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
Your GP.The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
Family Lives.A free confidential helpline for any parenting concern. I send parents here when the question is about them, not about the child.When the chapter is about the experience of parenting itself, the family system, or a parent who needs to be listened to. Particularly strong for bullying and for the parent who is holding things together at the edge of their capacity.Family Lives confidential helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm · Live chat Mon-Fri 10.30am-9pm; WhatsApp 07441 444125; email askus@familylives.org.ukwww.familylives.org.uk
Place2Be.School-based counselling charity. Their Parenting Smart articles are written by school-based counsellors and are my default for primary-age concerns.When the chapter is about primary-age (5-to-11) social or emotional concerns, particularly anything school-anchored. The Parenting Smart articles on friendship, behaviour and routines are the strongest sub-resource.parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
Netmums.A long-established UK parenting community. The right signpost when the parent needs community, not a clinician.Chapters where what the parent needs is to hear from other parents going through the same thing. Particularly useful for isolation, early-years bewilderment, and the everyday textures of family life. Treat with editorial care: peer support, not professional support.Support from other parents rather than professional advice.www.netmums.com
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.