The chapter to start with
When They Stop Talking to You
For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.
13 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
Worry, mood and big feelings
Emotional regulation
Managing a strong feeling without being swept away by it is something children learn gradually as they grow. Helping a four-year-old calm down looks different from sitting beside a fourteen-year-old, and these pages follow that learning through childhood, whatever your child’s age.
What to do first, what helps and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on emotional regulation
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Children borrow calm from the adults around them before they can find it on their own. A child learns to calm themselves by being calmed, several thousand times, by someone who wasn’t frightened by how upset the child got.
- Start with your body, before any words: lower your voice, slow your breathing and get down to your child’s level. The thinking part of their brain can’t hear you yet.
- Name the feeling in one short sentence, such as “That was so disappointing,” and then stop. Don’t add the lesson.
- Later, repair things briefly and warmly. The repair is where the learning happens.
From the chapters
What helps
Settle yourself first
Young children can’t calm themselves down yet; they calm down by being near an adult who is calm. So before you say anything, slow your own breathing and lower your voice. That does more than the words.
Name the feeling simply
Try “You’re really frustrated right now.” That’s all you need to say. Naming the feeling moves brain activity from the emotional centre towards the language centre, and that in itself is calming.
Stay calm first, talk later
Sit close and slow your own breathing. Being next to a calm adult helps a child’s body settle, and that does more than anything clever you could say. Save the words for when the worst has passed.
Name the feeling out loud
Try “That sounds really hard” or “You look really worried.” Naming the feeling makes it seem less strange, and it shifts brain activity from the alarm centre towards the language centre.
Chapters
16 on emotional regulation
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
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The Hour Before BedFor parents whose child’s bedtime has turned into an hour of worries, questions and meltdowns.
13 min read
Ages 4 to 11 - When a Child Is GrievingFor parents whose child has lost someone, or something, that was there last week. 10 min read
- When Reassurance Stops WorkingFor parents whose child is anxious and can’t be talked out of it, however often the adults around them try. 10 min read
- Big Feelings and Co-RegulationFor parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help them through it. 13 min read
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The Child Who Saves It All for HomeA chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home.
21 min read
Under 18 -
When the Best Friend Moves OnFor parents whose child’s best friend has drifted away, with no falling-out to explain it.
13 min read
Ages 8 to 11 -
Eating and ControlFor parents whose family mealtimes have become about much more than food.
10 min read
Ages 11 to 18 -
Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t FairFor parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other.
13 min read
Ages 4 to 11 -
When the Worry Makes the RulesA chapter for parents whose child’s worry has started to come with rituals, and whose family has started keeping them.
21 min read
Ages 5 to 18 -
When Parents SeparateFor parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping.
13 min read
Ages 8 to 18 -
PerfectionismFor parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong.
15 min read
Ages 4 to 18 - Trauma in ChildhoodFor parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has. 16 min read
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When Your Child Is Working Out Who They AreFor parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
16 min read
Ages 11 to 18 -
After You Have Lost Your TemperA chapter for parents who have shouted, and are lying awake about it.
16 min read
Under 19 -
Body ImageFor parents who want their child to grow up comfortable in their own body.
15 min read
Ages 8 to 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
27 on emotional regulation
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
School & pressure
When Your Child Falls Apart After School
Your child held it together all day; give them food and no questions for a while, and tell the school what you see.
Try this
- Have food ready, and put it out without asking if they’re hungry.
- Tell the school what you see at home, even if it doesn’t show in class.
From the tip
If it happens most days for several weeks, they have started to dread school, have stomach aches or headaches on school mornings, or seem low or anxious most of the time, talk to your GP as well.
If your child takes medicine for ADHD and has become irritable, aggressive, low or anxious, speak to their doctor straight away.
Big feelings
When the Worry Will Not Settle
An anxious child rarely tells you they’re worried; it comes out as stomach aches, refusals and repeated questions.
Try this
- Name what your child’s body is doing, briefly, in plain language.
From the tip
If the worry goes on for weeks, or your child needs the same answer again and again before they can settle, talk to your GP.
Big feelings
The Meltdown in Public
In the middle of it your child can’t listen, so the next ten minutes are for getting them safe and calm, and the talking comes later.
Try this
- Get your child somewhere safe with fewer people, stay close, and say very little.
From the tip
If they’re getting more frequent or worse, or your child hurts themselves or someone else, talk to your health visitor or GP, and take the notes with you.
More quick tips on emotional regulation
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Big feelings
The Tantrum Over the Broken Banana
A broken banana is more than a tired three-year-old can take.
2 min read · Under 9
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Friendships & social life
When the Best Friend Drifts
When a best friendship slowly fades, it’s usually part of growing up, and it helps to say you’ve noticed.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
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Big feelings
When the Cat Dies
For many children, a pet’s death is their first significant bereavement, and the grief is real.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Big feelings
When the Lid Has Flipped
When a child is overwhelmed, a few words usually reach them better than a lot.
2 min read · Under 7
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Big feelings
Why Trauma Shows Up in the Body First
Young children usually show trauma in their bodies and behaviour before they can put it into words.
2 min read · Under 7
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Bodies & growing up
The Two-Year-Old in Tears
Crying is how a two-year-old tells you what they can’t yet put into words.
2 min read · Under 5
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Big feelings
Giving Your Child Words for the Hard Thing
A young child rarely has words for something hard; give them a simple phrase for what their body feels.
2 min read · Under 7
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Big feelings
In the Weeks After Something Frightening
Most teenagers recover from something frightening with the people around them; keep your teenager’s routines going, and let them choose when to talk.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
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Friendships & social life
Not Invited to the Party
A party for four and a whole class minus one mean different things, so find out which it was, and let your child be sad before you try to fix it.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family transitions
The Handover Cancelled at Six
Don’t rush to fill the evening when the other parent cancels a handover at the last minute.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family dynamics
The Party Your Child Needs to Leave
Some children run out of social energy long before the party ends, and going home is how they recover.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family dynamics
The Sibling Who Stops Asking
While one child struggles, the other may become very easy to live with and keep their worries to themselves.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Big feelings
The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle
When a perfectionist child tears up their maths, they’re upset about what getting it wrong says about them.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Online life
When the Game Ends in Tears
Agree how long your child will play before they start, and give them a few minutes’ warning.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 9
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Family dynamics
When the Resentment Arrives at Eleven
Many well siblings come to resent being the easy one, and the unfairness they feel is real.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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Family dynamics
When Your Child Hits a Brother or Sister
Stop it, go to the child who was hurt, and leave the talking until your child has calmed down.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 9
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Friendships & social life
When Your Child Says Nobody Likes Them
Don’t argue with “nobody”; ask what happened today, then keep an eye on the next few weeks.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Friendships & social life
A First Heartbreak
A first heartbreak is real grief, so take it seriously.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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Big feelings
When Low Mood Looks Like Temper
A child who is cross with everything may be low, and the clue is what they have stopped enjoying.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Family dynamics
When One Twin Is Going Through Something
When one twin is struggling, the other is often overlooked just when they need to be noticed.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Family dynamics
When the Other Parent Is Using
Your child can’t fix the other parent’s substance use, and they need to hear that often.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Parent wellbeing
Before the Shout
If your shouting tends to come at the same hour, changing that hour may help more than resolving to be patient.
2 min read · Under 16
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Neurodiversity
Executive-Function Meltdown vs Emotional Meltdown
An emotional meltdown and an executive-function meltdown look the same, but they need different responses.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Bodies & growing up
The Three-Year-Old Who Hits
Stop the hit first, then help your child find words for what they were feeling.
2 min read · Under 5
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
13 on emotional regulation
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 10 min
Play me something
Your child picks a song and plays it to you. You listen to the end, and ask one question about it.
What it is for. A teenager’s moods often show in the music they listen to. Asking your teenager to play you something shows you are interested in what they listen to, and it can tell you something about their week.
- The first step Ask when things are easy between you: “Play me something you’ve been listening to.”
Safety. Music services set minimum ages, often thirteen; a younger child belongs on a family account a parent manages. The phone that plays the music still charges in the kitchen overnight.
When to get help. If your child’s mood has been flat for more than two weeks, or you’re worried at any point, talk to the school and your GP, and tell them about any change in your child’s sleep, appetite or friendships. If a song leads your child to tell you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
Where a feeling sits
On a plain outline of a body, your child marks where they first notice anger, worry and sadness.
About 20 min · Under 11 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
A place to settle, with you nearby
A comfortable corner, chosen with your child, for when a feeling gets too big. While they are small you go there together, and nobody is ever sent there.
About 20 min · Under 9
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To do together
A way back to the room
A short noticing game, and for younger children a slow breath traced with a finger. Practise them together on calm days, so your child already knows them on a hard one.
About 5 min · Ages 5 to 18 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Hands busy, side by side
Colour, build or make things side by side, each of you on your own thing. Nothing is asked of your child, and nothing they make is marked.
About 20 min · Under 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
One step at a time
For an everyday fear, such as dogs, the dark or a new club: together you write the steps from easiest to hardest, and your child practises each one until it feels easy before they move up.
About 15 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
An hour off after school
For the child who holds it together at school and comes apart at home. The first hour back asks nothing of them: something to eat, somewhere to recover, and no questions yet.
The first hour home · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
First this, then that
A card with two pictures, the thing to do first and the thing that comes next, for a young child who finds it hard to stop one thing and start another.
About 15 min · Under 9 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Losing at the kitchen table
A game now and then, where everyone loses sometimes, you included, and it is all right to be upset about losing.
About 30 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
The things we do for the worry
Notice what you do to spare your child a worry, then change one thing, telling them first and staying kind.
About 15 min · Ages 7 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
The walk with no agenda
Walk with your child at the same time each week, side by side. Some weeks they will talk, and you still go on the weeks they do not.
About 20 min · Under 18 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Worry time, not at bedtime
Ten minutes at the same time each afternoon for your child’s worries. If one comes up at another time, you listen, write it down and save it for then.
About 10 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
An energy account
With an autistic teenager, list what uses up their energy and what gives it back, and plan time to recover before they run out.
About 20 min · Ages 11 to 18 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
45 on emotional regulation
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to emotional regulation
What to do first, what helps, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with emotional regulation, on a sheet of its own.
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The walk with no agenda
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Jobs in the kitchen, by age
For the kitchen · A4 · With a subscription
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Before you see the GP about your child
For an appointment · A4, two sides · Free
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When a friend comes round
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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Solving it together
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Time alone with each child
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Talking, side by side
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Before my appointment
For an appointment · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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The last half-hour before bed
For the fridge · A4 · Free
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Worry time
To fill in together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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Two weeks of sleep
For an appointment · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
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What I will miss
To keep · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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A box for the memories
To fill in together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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The hard days in the year
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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A way back to the room
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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The worry ladder
To fill in together · A4 · Free
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The things we do for the worry
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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My energy account
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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A story about what will happen
To make together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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Five steps, one week
For the fridge · A4 landscape · With a subscription
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Where a feeling sits
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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First this, then that
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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When feelings get big: our plan
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Ten minutes where they lead
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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The first hour home
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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The day, in pictures
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Putting it right
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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Back and forth
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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My words for that moment
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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The friendship map
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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At our table
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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A week across two homes
For the fridge · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
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Telling the children
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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After a mock
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Enough for today
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Getting it wrong
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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After something frightening
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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What my body can do
Cards to fill in · A4, two pages: four cards, and a page for you · With a subscription
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What to say: when feelings run high
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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What to say: when it is you
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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What to say: school and friends
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · Free
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The move to secondary school, for a parents’ evening
For a parents’ evening · A4, five pages · Free
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What to say: loss and change
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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What to say: growing up
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
41 on emotional regulation
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 15
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Permission to Feel Marc Brackett The director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence sets out his RULER approach: recognising, understanding, labelling, expressing and regulating emotions, for parents first and then with their children. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child John Gottman with Joan DeClaire
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The Yes Brain Child Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
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Parenting a Teen Who Has Intense Emotions Pat Harvey and Britt H. Rathbone
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The Whole-Brain Child Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
And ten more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 20
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In My Heart: A Book of Feelings Jo Witek · Ages 2 to 5 Die-cut hearts and short, physical descriptions help a toddler notice where a feeling lives in the body, such as anger that feels “hot and red”. A calm first feelings book for the youngest readers. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The Colour Monster Anna Llenas · Ages 3 to 6
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My Intense Emotions Handbook: Manage Your Emotions and Connect Better with Others Sue Knowles, Bridie Gallagher and Hannah Bromley · Ages 14 to 18
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The Great Big Book of Feelings Mary Hoffman · Ages 3 to 7
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What to Do When Your Temper Flares Dawn Huebner · Ages 6 to 12
And 15 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 6
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Child Mind Institute
How to Help Children Calm Down
Treats calming down as a skill children learn, not a switch they flip. It covers naming feelings early, validating before problem-solving, and planning ahead for hard moments.
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NHS
Talking to your child about feelings
How to help a child put feelings into words, including reading clues in their play, and what to do when a child is too frightened to talk or is showing it through behaviour.
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Place2Be
My child keeps getting angry and lashing out
Looks at the feelings that often hide behind angry outbursts, such as fear or shame, and offers calming techniques to use with a child before, during and after.
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Child Mind Institute
Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?
Looks past the outburst to what might be driving it, such as anxiety, ADHD, sensory difficulties or learning problems, and explains why giving in tends to make meltdowns more frequent.
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Place2Be
Raising a resilient child
Resilience as something children build through manageable struggle and a steady adult, not something they are born with, with activities to try.
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Place2Be
De-escalation techniques with children
Walks through the escalation cycle, why both adult and child get caught in it, and specific ways to stay calm and bring the temperature down.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
17 on emotional regulation
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 7
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Made by Mammas: The Podcast
Dr Sarah Mundy on Anger, Big Feelings & Resilience
A clinical psychologist on anger, big feelings and resilience in children, in a longer conversation.
Also on this shelf
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The Therapy Edit
On 5 tips for dealing with public tantrums and meltdowns
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1800 Seconds on Autism
Meltdowns and shutdowns
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Dr Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
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ADDitude magazine
ADHD Experts Podcast
And two more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 10
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YouTube · 2 min
Sesame Street: Common and Colbie Caillat Sing “Belly Breathe” with Elmo
Sesame Street, YouTube
Elmo learns to slow down his ‘monster’ feelings with belly breathing in a catchy song. A gentle way to practise calming together before it is needed.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 8 min
Dr. Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain
Dr Dan Siegel, YouTube
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YouTube · 4 min
Dan Siegel: Name it to Tame it
Dr Dan Siegel, YouTube
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YouTube · 5 min
Kids Do Well if They Can Ross Greene #1
Dr Ross Greene, YouTube
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YouTube · 6 min
How to handle toddler tantrums
NSPCC, YouTube
And five more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
Big feelings are ordinary, and the school sees more of them than you do. Tell them what you are seeing at home; see the GP if the storms are getting longer, more frequent, or frightening.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For emotional regulation
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Place2Be
Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.
For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.
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YoungMinds
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
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Anna Freud
The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment.
When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline.
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
Every organisation for emotional regulation, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist