The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
Urgent help

Worry, mood and big feelings

Anxiety

Wound, and holding.

Anxiety is one of the most common things parents bring to us in therapy, and it looks different at each age: the toddler who won’t be put down, the seven-year-old who can’t sleep, the teenager who has stopped going to school. These pages are for parents at any of those stages, because what helps changes as a child grows.

What to do first, what helps and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.

What the library holds on anxiety

For a child aged

From the therapists

What to do first

Anxiety is one of the most treatable things children bring to us. It’s the body deciding something is dangerous before the thinking part of the brain has had a say, and it isn’t a flaw in your child’s character, or in yours.

  1. Tonight, don’t argue with the worry. Name it: “Your body has decided that’s dangerous, and I can see how hard that is.” Naming it does more than reasoning with it.
  2. This week, notice what your child is avoiding, and pick the smallest possible version of it to do together. Avoidance is what keeps anxiety going, and avoiding slightly less is all you’re aiming for.
  3. Tell the school: a form tutor who knows will handle a Monday morning differently, and you’ll no longer be the only adult dealing with it.

If you are worried about a child’s safety

Safeguarding: what to do and who to tellUrgent help

From the chapters

What helps

  1. Stay calm first, talk later

    Sit close and slow your own breathing. Being next to a calm adult helps a child’s body settle, and that does more than anything clever you could say. Save the words for when the worst has passed.

  2. Name the feeling out loud

    Try “That sounds really hard” or “You look really worried.” Naming the feeling makes it seem less strange, and it shifts brain activity from the alarm centre towards the language centre.

  3. Praise effort, behaviour and process, never just results

    Say “You kept going when that was hard”, not “You’re so clever”. The first tells your child what worked; the second adds pressure.

  4. Admit your own mistakes out loud

    Do it often: “I burnt the dinner.” “I forgot the appointment.” “I read the email wrong.” Your child copies how you deal with your own mistakes far more than anything you tell them.

Chapters

11 on anxiety

The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.

  • Anxiety, by AgeFor parents of a child whose worry has started to make decisions for them, with what helps at each age and when to ask for help. 15 min read
    Ages 11 to 18
  • PerfectionismFor parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong. 15 min read
    Ages 4 to 18
  • When the Worry Makes the RulesA chapter for parents whose child’s worry has started to come with rituals, and whose family has started keeping them. 21 min read
    Ages 5 to 18
  • What to Do When School Is the ProblemFor parents whose child has started dreading school. 14 min read
    Ages 4 to 18
  • The 11+ YearFor parents whose child is preparing for school entrance exams. 15 min read
    Ages 8 to 11
  • When You Are Not All RightFor parents whose own mental health is part of what’s going on at home. 19 min read
  • The Move to Secondary SchoolFor parents whose child is about to go from being one of the oldest at school to one of the youngest. 18 min read
    Ages 9 to 16
  • Trauma in ChildhoodFor parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has. 16 min read
  • When Your Child Is Being BulliedFor parents whose child has just told them about being bullied. 13 min read
    Ages 4 to 18
  • When Your Child Is Working Out Who They AreFor parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it. 16 min read
    Ages 11 to 18

Quick tips

22 on anxiety

Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.

Big feelings

When the Worry Will Not Settle

An anxious child rarely tells you they’re worried; it comes out as stomach aches, refusals and repeated questions.

Try this

  • Name what your child’s body is doing, briefly, in plain language.

From the tip

If the worry goes on for weeks, or your child needs the same answer again and again before they can settle, talk to your GP.

Friendships & social life

Hiding Behind Your Legs

Many young children take a while to warm up; stay close, let your child answer in their own way, and don’t call them shy.

Try this

  • Stay close at first, and let your child move away when they’re ready.

From the tip

Talk to your health visitor or GP if your child doesn’t warm up even when given time, if their fear is severe and gets in the way of everyday life, or if they talk freely at home but have not spoken at nursery or school for a month or more, or for two months if they have only just started there.

Tell the health visitor or GP too if your child rarely responds to their name, rarely shows you things they are interested in, or doesn’t seem to react to sounds or voices.

If your child is frightened of one person in particular, don’t coax them towards that person. If you think someone may be hurting your child, or your child tells you so, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If the person lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.

Big feelings

The Child Who Looks Fine

A teenager with good grades and teachers who say everything’s fine can still be anxious and exhausted.

Try this

  • Take the tiredness and irritability seriously alongside the good marks.

More quick tips on anxiety

  • Friendships & social life

    The Party Your Child Cannot Walk Into

    Your child’s stomach ache is real, and pushing them through party after party makes the next one harder.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 13

  • Big feelings

    When Ambition Is Really Anxiety

    An anxious high achiever can look exactly like a teenager with healthy ambition.

    2 min read · Ages 11 to 18

  • School & pressure

    When Your Child Cannot Face Going Into School

    Staying away from school can make a child’s anxiety about going in worse, so start working with the school early.

    2 min read · Ages 11 to 16

  • School & pressure

    When Your Child Cries at Drop-Off

    Say goodbye the same short way every morning, and hand your child to an adult they know.

    2 min read · Under 7

  • Big feelings

    When Your Child Needs You to Say It Again

    If your child needs the same answer again and again before they can settle, it may be OCD, so talk to your GP.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 18

  • Big feelings

    In the Weeks After Something Frightening

    Most teenagers recover from something frightening with the people around them; keep your teenager’s routines going, and let them choose when to talk.

    2 min read · Ages 11 to 18

  • Big feelings

    When the Medication Changes

    A change in your child’s dose is information, and in most cases it doesn’t mean anything is going wrong.

    2 min read · Ages 11 to 18

  • Bodies & growing up

    When Your Child Is Frightened at Night

    At this age a monster can feel real, so what settles your child is a room that stays the same all night and a parent who comes back when promised.

    2 min read · Under 7

  • Big feelings

    The Day Your Child Gets a Mental Health Diagnosis

    A diagnosis puts a name to what your child has been going through.

    2 min read · Ages 11 to 18

  • Big feelings

    The Thought Your Child Is Frightened to Tell You

    Intrusive thoughts are part of OCD, and even the most frightening say nothing about who a child is or what they want.

    2 min read · Ages 9 to 16

  • School & pressure

    The Week Before the Exams

    In the week before exams, protect your teenager’s sleep, meals and some peace at home.

    2 min read · Ages 13 to 18

  • Family transitions

    School Re-entry After a Long Absence

    After a long absence, your child’s place at school is still there, but stepping back into it takes planning.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 13

  • School & pressure

    Sunday Evening Has Started Hurting

    When Sunday evenings start to hurt, there is usually more than one reason, so slow down before deciding which conversation to have.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 13

  • School & pressure

    The A That Felt Like Failing

    If every mark changes how your teenager sees themselves, talk about the work more than the grade.

    2 min read · Ages 13 to 18

  • Neurodiversity

    The Night Before the Assessment

    Keep the evening before an assessment as much like any other evening as you can.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 13

  • Parent wellbeing

    When You Are the One Not Sleeping

    Lying awake night after night is a sign of overload, and a reason to see your GP.

    2 min read

  • Big feelings

    Telling the School About Your Child’s OCD

    Children often hide OCD at school, and a short conversation can help stop staff feeding it without meaning to.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 18

  • Big feelings

    When Bedtime Has Become a Ritual

    Ordinary bedtime routines comfort a child; an OCD ritual runs on fear, and it changes best one step at a time.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 11

  • School & pressure

    When Exam Prep Takes Over the House

    Put the admissions file away three evenings a week, so your child isn’t doing the test for two people.

    2 min read · Ages 9 to 11

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Things to do together

9 on anxiety

Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.

To do together · About 5 min

A way back to the room

A short noticing game, and for younger children a slow breath traced with a finger. Practise them together on calm days, so your child already knows them on a hard one.

What it is for. In our experience, an anxious child is helped more by something they can do themselves than by reassurance. If they learn this when nothing is wrong, they will already know it on a harder day.

  1. The first step Choose a calm day and tell your child what it is: “This is something people do when a worry gets loud. Let’s try it now, while nothing’s wrong.”

Safety. After something frightening, let your child choose their senses, and do not ask them to close their eyes.

When to get help. This is practice, not a treatment. Talk to your GP about recurring panic, worry that stops your child going to school, sleeping or eating, frightening intrusive thoughts, or several weeks of waking in fear. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other five steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

More to do together

  • To do together

    One step at a time

    For an everyday fear, such as dogs, the dark or a new club: together you write the steps from easiest to hardest, and your child practises each one until it feels easy before they move up.

    About 15 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    The things we do for the worry

    Notice what you do to spare your child a worry, then change one thing, telling them first and staying kind.

    About 15 min · Ages 7 to 16 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    Worry time, not at bedtime

    Ten minutes at the same time each afternoon for your child’s worries. If one comes up at another time, you listen, write it down and save it for then.

    About 10 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    A way into school each morning

    Agree with the school and your child how they get into school each morning: who meets them, and where they go first.

    About 30 min · Ages 7 to 16 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    Where a feeling sits

    On a plain outline of a body, your child marks where they first notice anger, worry and sadness.

    About 20 min · Under 11 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    After a mock

    The same routine after every practice paper: collect your child, give them something to eat, walk home, and ask nothing about the paper that day.

    About 30 min · Ages 9 to 18 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    The route, twice, and the map

    Before term, do the route once together and once with your child leading, and draw the few rooms that matter.

    Two trips, and an afternoon · Ages 9 to 13 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    A story about what will happen

    Before something new, such as the dentist or a new classroom, write a short story with your child about what usually happens there, and read it together in the days before.

    About 20 min · Under 11 · With a sheet to print

38 on anxiety

Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.

To print and keep

The guide to anxiety

What to do first, what helps, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.

See the sheet

Who else can help with anxiety, on a sheet of its own.

Every sheet to print

Books and reading

56 on anxiety

Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.

For you 10

  • Cover of Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD by Eli R. Lebowitz
     Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD Eli R. Lebowitz Built on the SPACE programme from Yale, this guide helps parents notice how they accommodate a child’s anxiety or OCD and step back supportively, even when the child will not take part. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of Helping Your Anxious Child by Ronald M. Rapee, Ann Wignall, Susan H. Spence, Vanessa Cobham and Heidi Lyneham
     Helping Your Anxious Child Ronald M. Rapee, Ann Wignall, Susan H. Spence, Vanessa Cobham and Heidi Lyneham
  • Cover of Helping Your Child with Fears and Worries by Cathy Creswell and Lucy Willetts
     Helping Your Child with Fears and Worries Cathy Creswell and Lucy Willetts
  • Cover of Can I Tell You About Selective Mutism? by Maggie Johnson and Alison Wintgens
     Can I Tell You About Selective Mutism? Maggie Johnson and Alison Wintgens
  • Cover of Under Pressure by Lisa Damour
     Under Pressure Lisa Damour

And five more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read with your child 39

  • Cover of All Birds Have Anxiety by Kathy Hoopmann
     All Birds Have Anxiety Kathy Hoopmann · Ages 7 to 12 Photographs of birds looking startled, huddled or ruffled carry a simple text on what anxiety does to body and mind. Many children find the humour opens a conversation that direct questions would close. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of Breaking Free from OCD: A CBT Guide for Young People and Their Families by Jo Derisley, Isobel Heyman, Sarah Robinson and Cynthia Turner
     Breaking Free from OCD: A CBT Guide for Young People and Their Families Jo Derisley, Isobel Heyman, Sarah Robinson and Cynthia Turner · Ages 13 to 18
  • Cover of My Anxiety Handbook: Getting Back on Track by Sue Knowles, Bridie Gallagher and Phoebe McEwen
     My Anxiety Handbook: Getting Back on Track Sue Knowles, Bridie Gallagher and Phoebe McEwen · Ages 11 to 16
  • Cover of Outsmarting Worry: An Older Kid’s Guide to Managing Anxiety by Dawn Huebner
     Outsmarting Worry: An Older Kid’s Guide to Managing Anxiety Dawn Huebner · Ages 9 to 13
  • Cover of Ruby’s Worry by Tom Percival
     Ruby’s Worry Tom Percival · Ages 3 to 6

And 34 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read online 7

  • NHS

    Anxiety in children

    What normal worry looks like at different ages, the signs that anxiety has become a problem, how to help at home, and when to see a GP.

  • YoungMinds

    Supporting a child with anxiety

    A full parent guide: what anxiety is, what tends to trigger it, how to help in a panicky moment, and how to support a child over time, with tips from young people.

  • Childline

    Coping with anxiety

    Written for young people themselves: what anxiety feels like, ways to cope such as breathing and writing things down, and when to ask a doctor for help. Good to pass to a teenager.

  • Child Mind Institute

    What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious

    Ten clear principles, starting with the counterintuitive one: the goal is not to remove a child’s anxiety but to help them manage it, because avoidance makes fear grow.

  • NHS

    Help your child beat exam stress

    A calm checklist for exam season: signs of stress, food and sleep, being flexible about chores, not adding pressure, and when to get help.

  • Child Mind Institute

    How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids

    For the anxious parent of an anxious child. It explains how children learn from what they see us do with worry, and why saying how you cope, out loud, can help them.

  • YoungMinds

    School anxiety and refusal

    The most thorough UK parent guide to a child who cannot get to school: finding the cause with an ‘anxiety iceberg’, what to ask the school for, and helping a return after absence.

Podcasts and films

29 on anxiety

Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.

Podcasts 13

Also on this shelf

  • Raising Good Humans

    Everything You Need to Know to Help Kids Manage their Anxiety with Renowned Yale Psychologist Dr. Eli Lebowitz

  • Talking Sense with Dr Martha

    How to help my child deal with ‘shyness’?

  • Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life

    196: Is My Kid Really Sick? Or Just Avoiding School?

  • Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators

    Episode 220 - Dr Kathy Weston Talks with Professor David Putwain: Understanding Test Anxiety

And eight more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Films 16

  • YouTube · 6 min

    10 Tips for Parenting Anxious Kids | Child Mind Institute

    Child Mind Institute, YouTube

    Ten concise tips from a clinical psychologist, including not avoiding everything that frightens a child, expressing confidence rather than fear, and keeping the anticipation period short.

Also on this shelf

  • YouTube · 15 min

    Rethinking Treatment for Child Anxiety and OCD | Dr. Eli Lebowitz | TEDxWrigleyville

    Dr Eli Lebowitz, YouTube

  • YouTube · 7 min

    CAMHS | Understanding and coping with anxiety | Part 2: How parents can help?

    Oxford Health NHS Foundation Trust, YouTube

  • YouTube · 6 min

    How Anxiety Affects Teenagers | Child Mind Institute

    Child Mind Institute, YouTube

  • YouTube · 3 min

    How to Cope With Anxiety 🧠 | Children’s Mental Health Week | Newsround

    BBC Newsround, YouTube

And eleven more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Who else can help

For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.

Where to start

  • Your GP

    The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.

    Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.

    www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

  • NHS 111, and Lifeline in Northern Ireland

    The mental health crisis line for your area. Free, confidential and answered twenty-four hours a day, every day of the year.

    When you or your child is in mental health crisis and it will not wait for a GP appointment.

    England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option
    Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000

  • NHS Talking Therapies

    Free NHS therapy for adults in England, for anxiety and low mood. You can refer yourself; you do not need to go through your GP first.

    For the parent. A great many of the parents we sit with are carrying something of their own, and waiting for someone to ask.

    www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service

  • Your child’s school

    The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.

    Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

For anxiety

  • YoungMinds

    The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.

    When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.

    Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.

    www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline

  • NHS: mental health advice for parents and carers

    The NHS’s pages for parents, in one place: anxiety, low mood, anger, bereavement, arguments with teenagers, exam stress, and how to talk about feelings.

    When you want the NHS’s own account before anyone else’s.

    www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents

  • Place2Be

    Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.

    For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.

    parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk

  • Soluna by Kooth

    Confidential online support for young people, free in the areas where the NHS or the council funds it: articles, moderated forums and drop-in text chat with a qualified practitioner.

    For a teenager who will not talk to you but might talk to someone. Whether it is available depends on where you live; they check at sign-up.

    explore.kooth.com/families

  • Anxiety UK

    A national charity whose single subject is anxiety, with free downloadable guides on helping an anxious child.

    For reading written by people who do only this. There is no free helpline to ring; the number is a recorded information line.

    Charged at your standard call rate, not free.

    Anxiety UK self-care infoline 03444 775 774 · 24/7 recorded self-care information

    www.anxietyuk.org.uk/get-help/helping-your-child

Every organisation for anxiety, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist