The chapter to start with
Big Feelings and Co-Regulation
For parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help them through it.
13 min read
Worry, mood and big feelings
Co-regulation
Co-regulation is the basic mechanism behind most of the advice in this library: a child’s nervous system takes its lead from yours. There’s no script for it. What helps is a slower breath, a lower voice, your feet on the floor, and learning to settle yourself first so the people around you can settle too.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on co-regulation
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
The instruction to stay calm is true but useless. What actually works is smaller and more physical than that, and you can do it while feeling anything but calm.
- Sit down: being lower than a distressed child does more to settle things than anything you say.
- Before you speak, breathe out slowly once. Your child’s nervous system is responding to yours more than to your argument.
- Stay with your child: what they learn from this is whether the adult next to them left.
Chapters
3 on co-regulation
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
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The Child Who Saves It All for HomeA chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home.
21 min read
Under 18 -
After You Have Lost Your TemperA chapter for parents who have shouted, and are lying awake about it.
16 min read
Under 19
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
14 on co-regulation
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Big feelings
The Tantrum Over the Broken Banana
A broken banana is more than a tired three-year-old can take.
Try this
- Get down lower than your child is, and drop your voice.
Big feelings
When the Lid Has Flipped
When a child is overwhelmed, a few words usually reach them better than a lot.
Try this
- Make the space safe, and move anything that can hurt.
Bodies & growing up
The Three-Year-Old Who Hits
Stop the hit first, then help your child find words for what they were feeling.
Try this
- Stop the hit calmly: “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts.”
- Notice when and where it happens; ask for help if it is persistent or unsafe.
From the tip
If it is frequent, severe, causing injury, happening in more than one place, or leaving you unable to keep everyone safe, ask for help: the nursery, your health visitor or your GP.
More quick tips on co-regulation
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Bodies & growing up
The Two-Year-Old in Tears
Crying is how a two-year-old tells you what they can’t yet put into words.
2 min read · Under 5
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Neurodiversity
Making Home Easier on Your Child’s Senses
By bath time your child has been processing sensory input for eleven hours, and a few changes at home help.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Bodies & growing up
The Body Too Awake for Bedtime
If your child is too wound up to sleep, slow yourself down at bedtime.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 9
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Parent wellbeing
When You Have Snapped
After you’ve snapped at your child, go back, apologise and put it right.
2 min read
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Big feelings
The Meltdown in Public
In the middle of it your child can’t listen, so the next ten minutes are for getting them safe and calm, and the talking comes later.
2 min read · Under 7
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Big feelings
When Your Child Follows You From Room to Room
After something hard, a young child needs adults who are predictable, calm and in the room with them.
2 min read · Under 7
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Bodies & growing up
When Your Child Is Frightened at Night
At this age a monster can feel real, so what settles your child is a room that stays the same all night and a parent who comes back when promised.
2 min read · Under 7
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Neurodiversity
Executive-Function Meltdown vs Emotional Meltdown
An emotional meltdown and an executive-function meltdown look the same, but they need different responses.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family dynamics
The Day the Fostered Child Arrives
A fostered child’s first 72 hours with you are for learning that your home is calm and predictable.
2 min read
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Neurodiversity
The Supermarket That Is Too Much
Plan supermarket trips so you leave before the noise and lights become too much for your child.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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School & pressure
The Week Before the Exams
In the week before exams, protect your teenager’s sleep, meals and some peace at home.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
5 on co-regulation
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 20 min
A place to settle, with you nearby
A comfortable corner, chosen with your child, for when a feeling gets too big. While they are small you go there together, and nobody is ever sent there.
What it is for. When a young child has a feeling too big for them to manage yet, they settle by being close to a calmer adult. A familiar place makes that easier to reach for, and in time it can become the child’s.
- The first step Choose the place with your child on a calm day, somewhere you usually are.
Safety. Nothing that runs on button batteries, no hot lamps or trailing flexes, and nothing small enough to swallow where there are children under three.
When to get help. If the meltdowns are becoming more frequent, longer or harder to come back from over several weeks, or your child hurts themselves or others during one, talk to your GP and your child’s school. If something your child says while settling suggests that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
Hands busy, side by side
Colour, build or make things side by side, each of you on your own thing. Nothing is asked of your child, and nothing they make is marked.
About 20 min · Under 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
The last half-hour before bed
Choose the last half-hour before bed with your child, write it down in order and put it on the fridge. Then do it in that order most nights, slowly.
About 30 min · Under 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Back and forth
When your child looks, points, babbles or reaches, answer it, name it and wait for their turn: a few moments of back and forth, many times a day.
About 5 min · Under 5 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Where a feeling sits
On a plain outline of a body, your child marks where they first notice anger, worry and sadness.
About 20 min · Under 11 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
17 on co-regulation
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to co-regulation
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with co-regulation, on a sheet of its own.
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Where a feeling sits
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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First this, then that
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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When feelings get big: our plan
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Solving it together
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Ten minutes where they lead
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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The first hour home
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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The day, in pictures
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Talking, side by side
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Putting it right
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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Back and forth
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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What to say: when feelings run high
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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What to say: when it is you
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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After something frightening
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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After a mock
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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The last half-hour before bed
For the fridge · A4 · Free
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Two weeks of sleep
For an appointment · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
Books and reading
28 on co-regulation
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 17
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Brain-Body Parenting Mona Delahooke A child psychologist explains how a child’s nervous system drives much of what looks like misbehaviour, and how a parent’s own calm helps a child settle. Especially useful for sensitive or neurodivergent children. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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Sabre Tooth Tigers and Teddy Bears Suzanne Zeedyk
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Playful Parenting Lawrence J. Cohen
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Raising Good Humans Hunter Clarke-Fields
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Raising a Secure Child Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper and Bert Powell, with Christine M. Benton
And twelve more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 7
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I Am Peace: A Book of Mindfulness Susan Verde · Ages 3 to 7 A child whose thoughts race ahead learns to slow down by breathing, noticing and feeling the ground underfoot. Short, calm pages that can double as a wind-down routine you do together. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The Hug Eoin McLaughlin · Ages 2 to 5
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The Rabbit Listened Cori Doerrfeld · Ages 3 to 7
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Can’t You Sleep, Little Bear? Martin Waddell · Ages 2 to 5
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No Matter What Debi Gliori · Ages 2 to 5
And two more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 4
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ZERO TO THREE
5 Ways Parents’ Emotional Regulation Matters for Healthy Child Development
Why a young child borrows an adult’s calm before they can make their own, and how parents can steady themselves first when a toddler is falling apart.
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Place2Be
De-escalation techniques with children
Walks through the escalation cycle, why both adult and child get caught in it, and specific ways to stay calm and bring the temperature down.
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Child Mind Institute
How to Help Children Calm Down
Treats calming down as a skill children learn, not a switch they flip. It covers naming feelings early, validating before problem-solving, and planning ahead for hard moments.
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National Autistic Society
Meltdowns – a guide for all audiences
Explains how an autistic meltdown differs from a tantrum, what to do during one, and how to reduce triggers such as sensory overload and changes in routine.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
14 on co-regulation
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 4
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Made by Mammas: The Podcast
Dr Sarah Mundy on Anger, Big Feelings & Resilience
A clinical psychologist on anger, big feelings and resilience in children, in a longer conversation.
Also on this shelf
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The Therapy Edit
On 5 tips for dealing with public tantrums and meltdowns
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Janet Lansbury
Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled
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Dr Becky Kennedy
Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 10
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YouTube · 7 min
What is Self Reg? Dr. Stuart Shanker Explains
Dr Stuart Shanker, YouTube
Stuart Shanker explains the difference between self-regulation and self-control, and why a child who ‘misbehaves’ may be overwhelmed by stress rather than wilful. The core idea behind Self-Reg.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 4 min
Circle of Security Animation
Circle of Security International, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
The “Still Face” Experiment by Dr Ed Tronick
Dr Ed Tronick, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
What Does it mean to Look Beyond Behaviors?
Dr Mona Delahooke, YouTube
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YouTube · 8 min
Dr. Dan Siegel’s Hand Model of the Brain
Dr Dan Siegel, YouTube
And five more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For co-regulation
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Anna Freud
The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment.
When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline.
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Place2Be
Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.
For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
Every organisation for co-regulation, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist