When Low Mood Looks Like Temper

The tip

In children and teenagers, depression can show itself as irritability. The international diagnostic guidance says so, and the NHS lists being “irritable or grumpy all the time” among its signs. A low child may not look sad at all. She may look cross: with you, with her brother, with being asked anything.

Irritability on its own doesn’t mean depression, and the same guidance says that too. Plenty of irritable thirteen-year-olds are simply thirteen. What matters is what comes with it, and whether it’s a change from how she was. Look for a loss of pleasure across the board, with her friends as well as with you. Look too for tiredness, changed sleep, schoolwork slipping and new harshness towards herself (“I’m rubbish at everything”).

If low mood is driving the snapping, consequences for her tone are unlikely to lift the mood, and she may already think badly enough of herself. So let the tone go for now; YoungMinds advises parents not to take it personally. In the car or on a walk, say what you’ve noticed, without a solution attached: “You’ve seemed fed up with everything lately, and I’ve been thinking about you.” Then stop, and come back to it in a few days.

Hold the line on what matters: nobody gets hurt, nothing gets broken, and she still comes to the table. If things get heated, say you’ll talk later, and step away, as long as she is safe. If the anger has turned into hitting, or anyone at home is frightened of her, the library’s tip on a child who hits covers what to do.

If this has lasted most days for two weeks or more, or you’re worried at any point, see the GP. The same charity runs a helpline for parents. YoungMinds, 0808 802 5544. Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm. Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. Help is free. She can also talk to someone herself, without you in the room. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.

If she has hurt herself, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank her if she has told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.

If she is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if she seems well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.

• Look past the snapping for what she has stopped enjoying, with friends as well as at home.
• Let the tone go for now, and hold the line on anyone getting hurt.
• Say what you’ve noticed, without a solution, in the car or on a walk.

It goes with

• When Your Child Has Gone Flat. A chapter for parents watching a child lose interest in the things she used to love.
• The Child Who Saves It All for Home. A chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.