The things we do for the worry

The activity

Notice the things you do to spare her a worry, then change one of them, telling her first and staying kind.

What it is for. When a child is anxious, parents step in: reassuring her at length, staying beside her until she falls asleep, speaking for her, or avoiding places that worry her. Researchers call this accommodation. It eases the moment, and over time it can keep the worry going, because she doesn’t get the chance to find out that she can cope. Changing one thing at a time, kindly and after telling her, gives her that chance.

• The first step. For a week, write down each time you do something to spare her the worry: reassuring her at length, staying until she falls asleep, speaking for her, or changing a plan. Write down what you did, not what she did.
• Choose one thing from your list: something that happens often, and that you can keep to every time. Plan to cut it back one step at a time, as in the example below. Leave off the list anything to do with eating, anything that keeps her safe, and a person she is afraid of. Leave off rituals she can’t stop, such as checking, washing or needing the same answer again and again, and any worry that began after something frightening happened to her: those need your GP first. Read what to watch for, below.
• Then keep to it every time, and use your sentence when the worry comes. She may be upset or cross at first; stay kind, don’t argue, and don’t go back to the old way. If the step turns out to be too big, make it smaller, and keep to that. If she hurts herself or talks about hurting herself, stop, and read when to get help, below. When the change feels normal to both of you, take the next step, or choose the next thing on your list.

Safety. Never cut back on anything that keeps her safe, such as an adult within reach near water, or medicines kept locked away. Those are not accommodations. If she is being treated for any condition, including an eating disorder, her team’s plan comes first. Ask them before you use this alongside it.

When to get help. This is a change in your own part, not a treatment. If the worry is stopping her going to school, sleeping or eating, is getting worse, comes with rituals she can’t stop or panic attacks, or began after something frightening happened to her, talk to your GP, who can refer her to children and young people’s mental health services. If she is hurting herself, says she will, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stop the plan, stay calm, thank her if she has told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If she tells you that someone is hurting her, stop the plan, stay calm, thank her for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the same routes; if the person hurting her lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. If she hits out or breaks things when you make a change, pause the plan and talk to your GP. If anyone is in danger or badly hurt, or you think she might seriously hurt herself or someone else, use those routes straight away.

The other two steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• When Reassurance Stops Working. For parents whose child is anxious and can’t be talked out of it, however often the adults around her try.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Anxiety. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Parenting strategy. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.