Losing at the kitchen table

The activity

A game now and then, where everyone loses sometimes, you included, and it is all right to be upset about losing.

What it is for. A game is a safe place to lose. The stakes are low, it is over in minutes, and the people at the table love her. By losing many times over, she can find out that it changes nothing about how she is loved.

• The first step. Play whatever the house already has: cards, an old board game, a pencil-and-paper game. Keep it to one or two rounds.

Safety. Dice, counters and small pieces out of reach of children under three.

When to get help. If losing, or the fear of it, sets off distress that lasts long after the game, is getting worse over several weeks, or has spread to schoolwork, sport and friendships, talk to her school and your GP. If one child is consistently targeted by a brother or sister, step in each time, and talk to your GP or her school if it goes on. If it involves hurting, real fear or anything sexual, act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• Perfectionism. For parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong.
• Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t Fair. For parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Perfectionism. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Sibling conflict. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.