Emotional regulation

What helps

• Settle yourself first. Young children can’t calm themselves down yet; they calm down by being near an adult who is calm. So before you say anything, slow your own breathing and lower your voice. That does more than the words.
• Name the feeling simply. Try “You’re really frustrated right now.” That’s all you need to say. Naming the feeling moves brain activity from the emotional centre towards the language centre, and that in itself is calming.
• Stay calm first, talk later. Sit close and slow your own breathing. Being next to a calm adult helps a child’s body settle, and that does more than anything clever you could say. Save the words for when the worst has passed.
• Name the feeling out loud. Try “That sounds really hard” or “You look really worried.” Naming the feeling makes it seem less strange, and it shifts brain activity from the alarm centre towards the language centre.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• When Your Child Falls Apart After School. Your child held it together all day; give them food and no questions for a while, and tell the school what you see.
  • Have food ready, and put it out without asking if they’re hungry.
  • Tell the school what you see at home, even if it doesn’t show in class.
  • If it happens most days for several weeks, they have started to dread school, have stomach aches or headaches on school mornings, or seem low or anxious most of the time, talk to your GP as well.
  • If your child takes medicine for ADHD and has become irritable, aggressive, low or anxious, speak to their doctor straight away.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-your-child-falls-apart-after-school
• When the Worry Will Not Settle. An anxious child rarely tells you they’re worried; it comes out as stomach aches, refusals and repeated questions.
  • Name what your child’s body is doing, briefly, in plain language.
  • If the worry goes on for weeks, or your child needs the same answer again and again before they can settle, talk to your GP.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-the-worry-will-not-settle
• The Meltdown in Public. In the middle of it your child can’t listen, so the next ten minutes are for getting them safe and calm, and the talking comes later.
  • Get your child somewhere safe with fewer people, stay close, and say very little.
  • If they’re getting more frequent or worse, or your child hurts themselves or someone else, talk to your health visitor or GP, and take the notes with you.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-meltdown-in-public

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Play me something. Your child picks a song and plays it to you. You listen to the end, and ask one question about it.

What it is for. A teenager’s moods often show in the music they listen to. Asking your teenager to play you something shows you are interested in what they listen to, and it can tell you something about their week.

• The first step. Ask when things are easy between you: “Play me something you’ve been listening to.”

Safety. Music services set minimum ages, often thirteen; a younger child belongs on a family account a parent manages. The phone that plays the music still charges in the kitchen overnight.

When to get help. If your child’s mood has been flat for more than two weeks, or you’re worried at any point, talk to the school and your GP, and tell them about any change in your child’s sleep, appetite or friendships. If a song leads your child to tell you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more. theparentbook.com/reader/when-they-stop-talking-to-you
• The Hour Before Bed. For parents whose child’s bedtime has turned into an hour of worries, questions and meltdowns. theparentbook.com/reader/the-hour-before-bed

Worth your time

• A book for you: Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett. The director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence sets out his RULER approach: recognising, understanding, labelling, expressing and regulating emotions, for parents first and then with their children. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/permission-to-feel-unlock-the-power-of-emotions-to-help-yourself-and-your-children-thrive-marc-brackett/c8887740cb495774
• A book to read together: In My Heart: A Book of Feelings, Jo Witek. Die-cut hearts and short, physical descriptions help a toddler notice where a feeling lives in the body, such as anger that feels “hot and red”. A calm first feelings book for the youngest readers. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/in-my-heart-a-book-of-feelings-jo-witek/7fc45a4faf234526
• Something to watch: Sesame Street: Common and Colbie Caillat Sing “Belly Breathe” with Elmo, Sesame Street, YouTube. Elmo learns to slow down his ‘monster’ feelings with belly breathing in a catchy song. A gentle way to practise calming together before it is needed. www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mZbzDOpylA
• Something to listen to: Dr Sarah Mundy on Anger, Big Feelings & Resilience, Made by Mammas: The Podcast, 56 min. A clinical psychologist on anger, big feelings and resilience in children, in a longer conversation. open.spotify.com/episode/73N5hdUrwViEW9UoR25Md4

Who else can help

Big feelings are ordinary, and the school sees more of them than you do. Tell them what you are seeing at home; see the GP if the storms are getting longer, more frequent, or frightening.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
• Anna Freud. The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment. When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline. www.annafreud.org/resources/family-wellbeing

The full list for emotional regulation, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/emotional-regulation/services