You go to their thing

The activity

Your child chooses a film, a book, a song or a game they care about. You watch it, read it or play it, and ask one curious question.

What it is for. A teenager working out who they are often does it through the things they love. Going to those things on their terms, with no laughing and no correcting, shows them they can work things out at home.

• The first step. Ask once: “Choose me something that matters to you, a film, a book, a song or a game, and I’ll watch it, read it or play it.”

Safety. Check the age rating first; if your child’s choice is well beyond their age, ask kindly for another. If it is an online game, play beside your child; this is not the evening to look through their messages.

When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child’s mood has been flat, and they have been withdrawing, for several weeks, talk to your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

The sheet that goes with it comes with a subscription: Talking, side by side.

It goes with

• When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Identity. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Parenting strategy. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.