Solving it together

The activity

When nobody is upset, pick one problem that keeps causing rows, hear her side of it first, then say yours, and work out a plan you can both keep.

What it is for. A problem that keeps coming back, such as getting up for school or the phone at night, is usually one she finds hard for a reason. Talking it through when nobody is upset, starting with her view, often finds a plan that holds better than a rule made in the middle of a row.

• The first step. Pick one problem that keeps coming back, and describe it without blame: “I’ve noticed that getting up for school has been hard lately. What’s up?”

When to get help. If rows are getting more frequent or turning violent, or her behaviour has changed suddenly, talk to her school and your GP. If what she tells you about her side suggests that someone is hurting, frightening or pressuring her, stay calm, thank her for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If she goes missing, if she or anyone at home is in danger, or if she talks about hurting herself or not wanting to be alive, act straight away, using the same routes.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• Big Feelings and Co-Regulation. For parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help her through it.
• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Behaviour. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Parenting strategy. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.