The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
Urgent help

← Everything on parenting strategy

The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
What helps
Parenting strategy

Parenting strategy

This section is for any parent thinking about how the family is run: boundaries, routines, how you talk to each other at home, and the decisions you make about phones, friends, money and faith. It describes the habits our practice has seen make a difference to families over the years.

What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/parenting-strategy

What to do first

There’s no manual, and the parents who look certain usually aren’t. Doing one thing consistently works better than doing five things well for a fortnight.

  1. Pick the hour of the day that goes worst, and change one thing in it, leaving the rest of the day alone.
  2. Say what will happen instead of asking whether it can. You can be warm and clear at the same time.
  3. When you get it wrong, put it right out loud. It’s the most effective thing you can do, and it takes three sentences.

What helps

  • Let home be where your child can stop working. The school, the class teacher and the in-school enrichment that the year is built around will cover the academic preparation. Your job is to make home feel different from that, so your child has somewhere to recover.
  • Praise effort and behaviour. “You kept going when that question was hard.” “You were kind to your sister tonight.” Say exactly what you saw, without judging how good it was. Praise that depends on outcomes adds pressure.
  • Stay calm first, talk later. Sit close and slow your own breathing. Being next to a calm adult helps a child’s body settle, and that does more than anything clever you could say. Save the words for when the worst has passed.
  • Name the feeling out loud. Try “That sounds really hard” or “You look really worried.” Naming the feeling makes it seem less strange, and it shifts brain activity from the alarm centre towards the language centre.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

  • Before You Choose a Private Clinic. Ask five questions before you pay, and be wary of any clinic that can’t answer them.
    • Ask: who is doing it, what is their registration, and is it multidisciplinary.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/before-you-choose-a-private-clinic
  • Alcohol and the First Parties. Talk about drink before the first party, so your teenager knows your rules and that they can always ring you.
    • Talk about drink before the first party, and ask what your teenager has seen.
    • If your teenager is very drunk, stay with them; if you think it’s alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
    • If your teenager seems to be drinking to cope, drinks alone, or you are worried about how much they drink, talk to your GP.
    • Spiking can look like being very drunk. If you suspect it, get medical help early and report it to the police. The person who was spiked is never to blame. If your teenager tells you someone did something sexual to them while your teenager was drunk, or an older person is giving them alcohol, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If that person lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
    • Alcohol poisoning can look like confusion, being sick, slow or irregular breathing, pale or blue-tinged skin, a fit, or passing out and being hard to wake. If your teenager is very drunk, stay with them and don’t leave them to sleep it off alone: they could be sick while drowsy and choke. If you think they have alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/alcohol-and-the-first-parties
  • Praise That Tells Your Child Something. Describe what your child did and how they did it, which tells them far more than a verdict on how clever they are.
    • Describe what your child did: “You kept going when it got hard, and you checked your answer.”
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/praise-that-tells-your-child-something

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

A plan for the party. Agree a plan with your teenager before each party, including how they get home and what they do if things go wrong.

What it is for. Most of what parents know about a teenager’s life comes from what the teenager chooses to tell them. A plan made together before a party gives your teenager an easy way to tell you where they will be and how they are getting home, and settles what happens if something goes wrong before anyone is frightened or cross.

  • The first step. Ask about the party first: whose it is, where it is, who is going and whether an adult will be there. Hear your teenager’s answers before you set any conditions.
  • Talk through what your teenager will do if they are offered drink or drugs, or want to leave early, and tell them they can always ring you to come and get them. If a friend is very drunk or unwell, your teenager stays with them and gets help from an adult, and if the friend is unconscious, very drowsy or confused, or may have been spiked, your teenager calls for emergency help first and rings you after. Remind your teenager of your code word for “come and get me”, if you have agreed one.
  • Say what the plan can’t cover. If your teenager or anyone with them is hurt, very drowsy or confused, unconscious, has been assaulted, is being held or threatened, or may have been spiked, you will call for emergency help, whatever the plan said.

Safety. Spiking can look like being very drunk, and some drugs leave the body within hours. If you suspect it, get medical help early and report it to the police. The person who was spiked is never to blame. If your teenager is very drunk, stay with them and don’t leave them to sleep it off alone: they could be sick while drowsy and choke. If you think they have alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help, using the routes under “If you need help right now”.

When to get help. If your teenager or anyone with them is hurt, very drowsy or confused, unconscious, has been assaulted, may have been spiked or is being held or threatened, act straight away, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. Do the same if your teenager hasn’t come home, you can’t reach them or anyone with them, and you are worried for your teenager’s safety. If your teenager tells you, that night or later, that someone hurt them or did something sexual to them, that someone is pressuring or threatening them, or that they are hurting themselves or don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting your teenager lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. If you think your teenager is being exploited or groomed, act that day: contact the police or your local children’s social care, or get advice from the NSPCC. If something that happened is still troubling your teenager weeks later, talk to your GP.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
  • Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk
  • Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
  • Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk

The full list for parenting strategy, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/parenting-strategy/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.