A plan for the party

The activity

Agree a plan with her before each party, including how she gets home and what she does if things go wrong.

What it is for. Most of what parents know about a teenager’s life comes from what she chooses to tell them. A plan made together before a party gives her an easy way to tell you where she will be and how she is getting home, and settles what happens if something goes wrong before anyone is frightened or cross.

• The first step. Ask about the party first: whose it is, where it is, who is going and whether an adult will be there. Hear her answers before you set any conditions.
• Talk through what she will do if she is offered drink or drugs, or wants to leave early, and tell her she can always ring you to come and get her. If a friend is very drunk or unwell, she stays with them and gets help from an adult, and if the friend is unconscious, very drowsy or confused, or may have been spiked, she calls for emergency help first and rings you after. Remind her of your code word for “come and get me”, if you have agreed one.
• Say what the plan can’t cover. If she or anyone with her is hurt, very drowsy or confused, unconscious, has been assaulted, is being held or threatened, or may have been spiked, you will call for emergency help, whatever the plan said.

Safety. Spiking can look like being very drunk, and some drugs leave the body within hours. If you suspect it, get medical help early and report it to the police. The person who was spiked is never to blame. If she is very drunk, stay with her and don’t leave her to sleep it off alone: she could be sick while drowsy and choke. If you think she has alcohol poisoning, call for emergency help, using the routes under “If you need help right now”.

When to get help. If she or anyone with her is hurt, very drowsy or confused, unconscious, has been assaulted, may have been spiked or is being held or threatened, act straight away, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. Do the same if she hasn’t come home, you can’t reach her or anyone with her, and you are worried for her safety. If she tells you, that night or later, that someone hurt her or did something sexual to her, that someone is pressuring or threatening her, or that she is hurting herself or doesn’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting her lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. If you think she is being exploited or groomed, act that day: contact the police or your local children’s social care, or get advice from the NSPCC. If something that happened is still troubling her weeks later, talk to your GP.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Parenting strategy. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Friendships. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.