When the Rules Stop Working at Fifteen

Where to start

• Keep a few rules you’ll stick to, and let the minor issues go.
• If she hits or threatens anyone at home, leave the room, and call the police if you need to.
• Research on teenagers has found that most of what parents know about their child’s life comes from what the child chooses to tell them, and that teenagers tell more when home feels warm. So when she tells you something you don’t like, keep your first reply short and even. Any consequence can wait until tomorrow, when you are both calm; only something that puts her in danger needs acting on tonight. In a row, say you will talk later and leave the room. Don’t threaten anything you won’t do.
• Violence is different. If she hits, pushes or threatens you or anyone else at home, you don’t have to put up with it. Don’t use force yourself. Leave the room, and if that doesn’t make everyone safe, don’t wait. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour. Many parents hold back for fear of getting their child into trouble; keeping everyone safe comes first. Talk to her school and your GP as well. A national parenting helpline takes calls about teenagers’ behaviour, including aggression at home. Coram Family Lives, 0808 800 2222. Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.
• If her behaviour has changed suddenly, ask yourself whether something is happening to her, such as bullying, low mood, or someone older grooming or exploiting her. If you suspect grooming or exploitation, act that day: a national child protection helpline will talk it through with you and tell you whether it needs to go further. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.

The rest of the tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

It goes with

• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Behaviour. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Parenting strategy. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.