When a friend comes round

The activity

For a visit she has asked for: one friend, one thing to do together, you within earshot, and a warm, clear ending.

What it is for. In our experience, friendships at this age grow from seeing each other again and again more than from being arranged, and both children can usually tell when parents have set one up. What you can do is make the visits she asks for easy.

• The first step. Let the idea be hers: a friend she has asked to see, or a visit you are returning. Do not ring round to find someone for her; it rarely helps either child.

Safety. Ask the friend’s parent about allergies and anything the friend does not eat. An adult handles the oven and sharp knives, and small pieces are kept from any child under three. Screens, if any, are used in a shared room with the door open.

When to get help. If either child says something that suggests someone is hurting them, listen, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If it is the friend, take it to those routes, not to the friend’s parent. If, over several weeks, no child has sought her out, she has stopped mentioning anyone by name, or she is dreading school, talk to her class teacher or form tutor, and to your GP if her mood is low. If you suspect bullying, do not wait.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• When the Best Friend Moves On. For parents whose child’s best friend has drifted away, with no falling-out to explain it.
• Neurodiversity, and the Conversation with the School. For parents whose child has been working harder and longer than other children to do things that come more easily to them.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Friendships. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Neurodiversity. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.