Learning something new, badly, together

The activity

Each of you takes up something none of you can do, and practises it where the others can see. There is no show at the end.

What it is for. A perfectionist child has often never seen the adults they love be bad at something and keep going. Watching you learn something badly, and stay calm about it, shows your child that being a beginner is normal.

• The first step. Each of you picks one simple skill that none of you has, using what is already in the house: juggling rolled-up socks, whistling with two fingers, drawing a horse.

Safety. Nothing small enough to swallow where there are children under three: socks, not balls.

When to get help. If your child’s fear of getting things wrong is stopping them from starting work, sleeping or going to school, or their mood has been low for more than two weeks, talk to their school and your GP. In a teenager, changes in sleep, appetite, friendships, or how they talk about food or their body, lasting for several weeks, are a reason to see the GP. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using those routes; if the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

The sheet that goes with it comes with a subscription: Getting it wrong.

It goes with

• Perfectionism. For parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong.
• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Perfectionism. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Self-esteem. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.