The chapter to start with
What to Do When School Is the Problem
For parents whose child has started dreading school.
14 min read · Ages 4 to 18
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
School and pressure
School stress
This covers homework, exams and the teacher who doesn’t seem to notice your child. Outside the home, school is the biggest part of most children’s lives, and these pages are for the parent trying to work out when to push, when to back off and when to pick up the phone.
What to do first, what helps and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on school stress
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
A child who is struggling at school is very rarely a child who isn’t trying. Something has become harder than they can manage right now, and that’s information you can use.
- Take the physical symptoms seriously. The Sunday stomach ache is real, and it’s telling you something before your child can.
- For a fortnight, take the pressure off at home: ask fewer questions about homework at the table, and spend more time on things that have nothing to do with school.
- Email the form tutor and ask a specific question: what does the day actually look like for your child, and what has the school already tried?
From the chapters
What helps
Let home be where your child can stop working
The school, the class teacher and the in-school enrichment that the year is built around will cover the academic preparation. Your job is to make home feel different from that, so your child has somewhere to recover.
Praise effort and behaviour
“You kept going when that question was hard.” “You were kind to your sister tonight.” Say exactly what you saw, without judging how good it was. Praise that depends on outcomes adds pressure.
Listen first, advise second
Sit down, and don’t argue with the feeling: “That sounds really hard. Tell me what happened.” Let them finish before you offer a single suggestion.
Make home a secure base
Children with a stable home are very good, in time, at finding friends they fit with. Time you put into home life helps them socially too.
Chapters
10 on school stress
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
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The 11+ YearFor parents whose child is preparing for school entrance exams.
15 min read
Ages 8 to 11 -
The Move to Secondary SchoolFor parents whose child is about to go from being one of the oldest at school to one of the youngest.
18 min read
Ages 9 to 16 -
When Your Child Is Being BulliedFor parents whose child has just told them about being bullied.
13 min read
Ages 4 to 18 - When Reassurance Stops WorkingFor parents whose child is anxious and can’t be talked out of it, however often the adults around them try. 10 min read
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When Your Child Has Gone FlatA chapter for parents watching a child lose interest in the things they used to love.
21 min read
Ages 9 to 16 -
When the Worry Makes the RulesA chapter for parents whose child’s worry has started to come with rituals, and whose family has started keeping them.
21 min read
Ages 5 to 18 - Neurodiversity, and the Conversation with the SchoolFor parents whose child has been working harder and longer than other children to do things that come more easily to them. 11 min read
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The Child Who Saves It All for HomeA chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home.
21 min read
Under 18 -
Anxiety, by AgeFor parents of a child whose worry has started to make decisions for them, with what helps at each age and when to ask for help.
15 min read
Ages 11 to 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
43 on school stress
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
School & pressure
Say What You Have Noticed
When you ring the school, describe what you’ve seen, with dates, so staff know what to look for.
Try this
- Before you ring, write down what you’ve noticed, with dates.
- Start with the form tutor, and go to the head of year if it’s wider or isn’t improving.
From the tip
For most things, start with your child’s form tutor, who sees them every day. If it’s about more than one lesson, or isn’t getting better, go to the head of year. If your child has, or may have, a special educational need, go to whoever leads learning support. If it is about your child’s safety, or about how a member of staff has treated them, do not start with the form tutor: ask for the designated safeguarding lead that day. And tell the school, briefly, about anything that’s changing at home, because a school can only allow for what it knows.
Family dynamics
When the School Gets Your Role Wrong
The school may still treat you as the grandparent, even though you’re now the parent as well.
Try this
- Send the school a written introduction with the legal documents attached.
- Update all contact information; meet the class teacher before term begins.
From the tip
Forms go to the absent parent, requests for permission go through the wrong channel, and the school nurse rings a mobile number that hasn’t been updated.
School & pressure
When the Teacher Is the Problem
Take your child seriously without taking sides, and listen for specific incidents you can act on.
Try this
- Listen for the specific incident, not the general feeling.
- Talk to the teacher in person, with curiosity, not accusation.
- Treat the teacher as a colleague, not an opponent.
More quick tips on school stress
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Family dynamics
When the School Does Not See Your Child
If a school misreads your child’s culture, specific examples usually help it adjust.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
School Re-entry After a Long Absence
After a long absence, your child’s place at school is still there, but stepping back into it takes planning.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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School & pressure
Sunday Evening Has Started Hurting
When Sunday evenings start to hurt, there is usually more than one reason, so slow down before deciding which conversation to have.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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School & pressure
Talking About the Apprenticeship Route
An apprenticeship deserves the same care you’d give to choosing a university.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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School & pressure
The A That Felt Like Failing
If every mark changes how your teenager sees themselves, talk about the work more than the grade.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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School & pressure
The Homework Redone for the Fourth Time
If your child keeps redoing their homework because it isn’t perfect, end the session for them.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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School & pressure
The PE Kit Left on the Bus
Pack the bag together for a few weeks, then hand the job to your child on a date you’ve set.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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School & pressure
The Question at the School Gate
In the first weeks at a new school, children are often too tired to answer questions at the gate.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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Neurodiversity
The Report That Keeps Repeating Itself
When the same comment turns up in three years of school reports, take it seriously.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Family transitions
The Year Out Conversation
A year out is your teenager’s decision to make; your part is to ask them calmly what they are thinking.
2 min read · Ages 16 and over
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Home And Belonging
UK Safeguarding for Parents New Here
Your school’s focus on safeguarding is required by law, and every school in the UK shares it.
2 min read
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Big feelings
When Ambition Is Really Anxiety
An anxious high achiever can look exactly like a teenager with healthy ambition.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
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Family dynamics
When the Family Tree Project Comes Home
Assignments like the family tree can be hard for adopted children, and most schools will adapt them if asked.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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School & pressure
When Your Child Cannot Face Going Into School
Staying away from school can make a child’s anxiety about going in worse, so start working with the school early.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
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Friendships & social life
Your Child Has Just Told You About the Bullying
What you do in the first ten minutes decides whether your child tells you the next thing.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Neurodiversity
Asking for the SENCo Meeting
Ask for the meeting in a short email, and bring three to five specific examples in writing.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Big feelings
Telling the School About Your Child’s OCD
Children often hide OCD at school, and a short conversation can help stop staff feeding it without meaning to.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 18
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School & pressure
The Day the GCSE Results Came
Whatever your teenager’s GCSE grades, respond warmly, and if the results are disappointing, leave decisions for another day.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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Health and difference
The School’s First Conversation About the Condition
The school needs the medical specifics, and your child needs to be known for more than their condition.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Health and difference
The Young Carer the School Misses
Most teachers don’t know which pupils are young carers, so tell the school.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Home And Belonging
What a SENCo Actually Does
Most schools have a SENCo, though most newly arrived parents haven’t met theirs.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
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School & pressure
When Exam Prep Takes Over the House
Put the admissions file away three evenings a week, so your child isn’t doing the test for two people.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 11
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Home And Belonging
When the School Misses the Third-Culture Kid
When half of your child’s life goes unmentioned at school, keep it part of everyday life at home.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family dynamics
When the School Says Your Child Is No Trouble at All
You and your child’s teacher are both seeing the real child, so the meeting goes best when you compare notes.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
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School & pressure
When Your Teenager Is Not Going to University
If your teenager decides not to go to university, treat it as their decision and ask what they want instead.
2 min read · Ages 13 and over
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Friendships & social life
Left Out on Purpose, Again
Whether it’s a falling-out or bullying decides what you do next, so find out which before you act.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Friendships & social life
No One to Sit With at Lunch
A lonely child generally seems fine, which is why loneliness is so easy to miss.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 11
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Big feelings
The Child Who Looks Fine
A teenager with good grades and teachers who say everything’s fine can still be anxious and exhausted.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
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Friendships & social life
The Friend of the First Fortnight
Many September friendships loosen by half-term, and usually neither child has done anything wrong.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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Friendships & social life
The Group Chat Your Child Is Not In
Being left out of a group chat hurts; take it seriously, and send no messages tonight.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Friendships & social life
The Party Your Child Cannot Walk Into
Your child’s stomach ache is real, and pushing them through party after party makes the next one harder.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Friendships & social life
When the Bullying Follows Your Child Home
Tell your teenager now, before anything happens, that you will never take their phone away because they told you something.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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Neurodiversity
When the Spelling Test Becomes a Battlefield
A spelling list that takes two hours, however hard your child works, can be a sign of dyslexia.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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School & pressure
When Your Child Falls Apart After School
Your child held it together all day; give them food and no questions for a while, and tell the school what you see.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Neurodiversity
Homework in Short Blocks
For a child with ADHD, homework goes better in short timed blocks, one instruction at a time, with you nearby.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Neurodiversity
The Homework Battle Beyond Effort
If an hour of maths ends with two questions done, an ADHD child has usually been working very hard.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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School & pressure
The Week Before the Exams
In the week before exams, protect your teenager’s sleep, meals and some peace at home.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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Bodies & growing up
The First Period That Arrived at School
When your daughter’s first period starts at school, take her home and treat the rest of the afternoon as normal.
1 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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Online life
The Homework the AI Wrote
If your child has let an AI tool do their homework, go through what it wrote with them.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Neurodiversity
The First Conversation About an EHCP
Be specific when you first raise an EHCP with the school, and treat it as a partnership.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
10 on school stress
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · A day, and three evenings
A day with no 11+ in it
One day a week, and a few evenings, with no papers, no practice and no talk of the test. Keep it most weeks, and let it go when a week slips.
What it is for. A child preparing for an entrance test needs regular evidence that there is more to them than the test. A day off from it each week helps keep the test in proportion, for them and for you.
- The first step Choose the day, and three evenings, when the preparation stops. Tell your child once, calmly: “On Saturdays there’s no 11+: no work, and no talking about it.”
Safety. If your child helps at the hob, an adult stays beside them and handles the hot pan.
When to get help. If your child is sick or sleeping badly before tests, the worry is getting worse, or it is affecting their eating or their wish to go to school, talk to their school and your GP. The routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, are for when it cannot wait.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
A way into school each morning
Agree with the school and your child how they get into school each morning: who meets them, and where they go first.
About 30 min · Ages 7 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
After a mock
The same routine after every practice paper: collect your child, give them something to eat, walk home, and ask nothing about the paper that day.
About 30 min · Ages 9 to 18 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
The school day, drawn as a line
Your child draws their day from gate to gate and marks where it feels heavy. You take the one moment they mark, not a conclusion, to the school.
About 20 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
An hour off after school
For the child who holds it together at school and comes apart at home. The first hour back asks nothing of them: something to eat, somewhere to recover, and no questions yet.
The first hour home · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
The route, twice, and the map
Before term, do the route once together and once with your child leading, and draw the few rooms that matter.
Two trips, and an afternoon · Ages 9 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
A mistake each, at a weekly meal
Once a week, at one meal, everyone says one thing they got wrong, starting with you. Nobody comments on anyone else’s.
About 5 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
A page about me, for a new teacher
Before a new class or a new school, your child tells their teacher, in their own words, what they enjoy, what they find hard and what helps. You write it down together and hand it in.
About 30 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Running the moment through
On a calm day, you play the other child and your child tries out what they might say. Keep it short and light, and do it once or twice at most.
About 10 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
An energy account
With an autistic teenager, list what uses up their energy and what gives it back, and plan time to recover before they run out.
About 20 min · Ages 11 to 18 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
37 on school stress
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to school stress
What to do first, what helps, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with school stress, on a sheet of its own.
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Before you ring the school
For a call or a meeting · A4 · Free
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The school day, drawn as a line
To make together · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
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The return-to-school meeting
For a meeting · A4 · Free
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The first hour home
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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A way into school each morning
For a meeting · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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After a mock
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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A day with no 11+ in it
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Time alone with each child
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Getting it wrong
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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The new place
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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Packing from the timetable
For the fridge · A4 landscape · With a subscription
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What I will miss
To keep · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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The move to secondary school, for a parents’ evening
For a parents’ evening · A4, five pages · Free
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A page about me
To fill in together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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The door list
For the door · A4 · With a subscription
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The friendship map
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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My words for that moment
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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A record of what happened
For a call or a meeting · A4, two pages · Free
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A way back to the room
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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The worry ladder
To fill in together · A4 · Free
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Before you see the GP about your child
For an appointment · A4, two sides · Free
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Worry time
To fill in together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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Two weeks of sleep
For an appointment · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
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The things we do for the worry
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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My energy account
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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A story about what will happen
To make together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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Five steps, one week
For the fridge · A4 landscape · With a subscription
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Before the SENCo meeting
For a meeting · A4 · Free
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Three reports, side by side
For a meeting · A4 landscape · Free
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First this, then that
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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When a friend comes round
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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The day, in pictures
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Enough for today
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Where a feeling sits
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
-
What to say: school and friends
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · Free
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What to say: when feelings run high
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
33 on school stress
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 17
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Never Enough Jennifer Breheny Wallace Journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace, drawing on Suniya Luthar’s research, shows why children in high-achieving schools are at raised risk of distress, and why feeling that they matter at home protects them.
Also on this shelf
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The Self-Driven Child William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
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The Price of Privilege Madeline Levine
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Can’t Not Won’t Eliza Fricker
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Middle School Matters Phyllis L. Fagell
And twelve more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 9
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Starving the Stress Gremlin Kate Collins-Donnelly · Ages 10 to 16 A CBT workbook for ages 10 and up on what stress is, how it shows in body and mind, and how to manage it. Useful in the run-up to exams or a school move. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The Teenage Guide to Stress Nicola Morgan · Ages 13 to 18
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Yes You Can: Ace School Without Losing Your Mind Natasha Devon · Ages 13 to 18
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Starving the Exam Stress Gremlin: A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook on Managing Exam Stress for Young People Kate Collins-Donnelly · Ages 11 to 16
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Go Big: The Secondary School Survival Guide Matthew Burton · Ages 10 to 13
And four more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 7
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YoungMinds
Exam time and exam stress
Unusually honest about what exams do to a whole household, from tension and uneven attention to parents’ own stress, with ways to keep routines normal and talk to school.
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NHS
Help your child beat exam stress
A calm checklist for exam season: signs of stress, food and sleep, being flexible about chores, not adding pressure, and when to get help.
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YoungMinds
School anxiety and refusal
The most thorough UK parent guide to a child who cannot get to school: finding the cause with an ‘anxiety iceberg’, what to ask the school for, and helping a return after absence.
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Place2Be
Helping your child prepare for Secondary or High School
Why the move to secondary school is hard for some children and for parents, planning-ahead activities for the summer before, and good moments to check in during the first term.
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Contact
Introduction to special educational needs
A clear map of the SEN system in England: what counts as special educational needs, what schools must provide, and where an EHC plan fits.
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Coram Family Lives
What to do about bullying at a private or independent school
The complaints route when bullying happens at an independent school, which differs from the state sector: governors, escalation, and how inspection works.
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Place2Be
My child thinks they need to be perfect
For the child who tears up work over one mistake: the problems perfectionism brings, and how parents can praise effort, model making mistakes, and ease the pressure.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
23 on school stress
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 17
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Kooth Podcast
“She loved school until she didn’t”: the complex reality of school avoidance
Maddie describes how anxiety gradually stopped her going to school despite loving learning, what school felt like, and what she would tell her younger self. A young person’s view parents rarely hear.
Also on this shelf
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
196: Is My Kid Really Sick? Or Just Avoiding School?
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Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators
Episode 220 - Dr Kathy Weston Talks with Professor David Putwain: Understanding Test Anxiety
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
132: Never Enough: Confronting Toxic Achievement Culture (with author Jennifer Wallace)
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Talking Sense with Dr Martha
What Do I Do When My Child Doesn’t Want To Go To School?
And twelve more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 6
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YouTube · 6 min
When Kids Refuse To Go To School | Child Mind Institute
Child Mind Institute, YouTube
A specialist explains why children refuse school, usually anxiety rather than defiance, and why a gradual, planned return with the school works better than waiting it out.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 9 min
Emotionally-based school avoidance: a parent’s experience
Anna Freud, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
Supporting children with their homework | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
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YouTube · 4 min
Moving Up! The transition to secondary school
Anna Freud, YouTube
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TED · 15 min
Our dangerous obsession with perfectionism is getting worse
Dr Thomas Curran, TED
And one more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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The SENCo at your child’s school
The member of staff responsible for special educational needs. They hold the assessment routes, the in-school support, and the paperwork an EHCP needs.
Ask for a meeting in writing, and ask what is already being tried under the graduated approach. This conversation usually has to happen before anything statutory can.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
For school stress
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Place2Be
Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.
For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.
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YoungMinds
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
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NHS: mental health advice for parents and carers
The NHS’s pages for parents, in one place: anxiety, low mood, anger, bereavement, arguments with teenagers, exam stress, and how to talk about feelings.
When you want the NHS’s own account before anyone else’s.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
Every organisation for school stress, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist