Homework, exams, the teacher who does not seem to see her, the playground that has gone quiet. School is the largest single context most children live inside outside the home. Written for the parent who needs to know when to push, when to hold, and when to call.
A child who is struggling at school is very rarely a child who is not trying. Something has become harder than her current resources, and that is information, not a verdict.
Take the physical symptoms seriously. The Sunday stomach ache is real, and it is telling you something before she can.
Lower the temperature at home for a fortnight. Fewer questions about homework at the table; more ordinary time that has nothing to do with school.
Email the form tutor and ask a specific question: what does the day actually look like for her, and what has the school already tried?
What helps
Let home be the place she does not have to keep working.The school will hold the academic preparation, alongside the class teacher and the in-school enrichment that the year is built around. Your job at home is to provide somewhere that does not feel like that. The home is the place to recover, not the place to keep working.
Praise the effort, the behaviour, the trying.“You kept going when that question was hard.” “You were kind to your sister tonight.” Specific, observed, not evaluative. Praise that depends on outcomes is praise that adds pressure.
Listen first, advise second.Sit down. Don’t dispute the feeling. “That sounds really hard. Tell me what happened.” Let them finish before offering a single suggestion. The witnessing is more useful than the strategy.
Build the home as a strong secure base.Children with a steady home are remarkably good at finding their people, in time. The investment in the home is the most reliable social investment a parent can make.
Some tips to try
Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.
When the School Gets Your Role Wrong.The school assumes you are the grandparent. You are also the parent now.
Send the school a written introduction with the legal documents attached.
Update all contact information; meet the class teacher before term begins.
Expect to have this conversation again briefly each September.
A “good enough” jar. A small jar in the kitchen. Each week, the family writes one moment of “good enough trying”, by anyone. Read together on Sundays. A small habit that quietly recalibrates what success means in your house.
Find a small jar. Decorate it together, “Good Enough” written on a label.
Place it in the kitchen with a small stack of slips and a pencil.
Each week (or each day, if the family is up for it), each family member writes one moment of “good enough trying” they noticed in themselves or in someone else.
“Tried the broccoli.” “Apologised to my sister.” “Finished my homework without crying.” “Made it through Tuesday.”
Something to watch: Place2Be YouTube Channel, Place2Be, YouTube.The Place2Be channel, primarily school-anchored and calibrated for the 5-to-11 age range, including the Parenting Smart short videos that mirror the articles we send parents to most often in the friendship and primary-years chapters.www.youtube.com/@_Place2Be
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Your child’s school.The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps.Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
The SENCo at your child’s school.The member of staff responsible for special educational needs. They hold the assessment routes, the in-school support, and the paperwork an EHCP needs.Ask for a meeting in writing, and ask what is already being tried under the graduated approach. This conversation usually has to happen before anything statutory can.
Place2Be.School-based counselling charity. Their Parenting Smart articles are written by school-based counsellors and are my default for primary-age concerns.When the chapter is about primary-age (5-to-11) social or emotional concerns, particularly anything school-anchored. The Parenting Smart articles on friendship, behaviour and routines are the strongest sub-resource.parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
YoungMinds.The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern.When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range.Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.ukwww.youngminds.org.uk/parent
MindEd for Families.NHS-backed e-learning hub written by specialists and parents together. The right pointer for parents who want to go deeper than a charity explainer.When the chapter calls for a substantial primer rather than a short article. Particularly useful for parents who are research-minded and want structured material they can work through.www.minded.org.uk
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.