Self-esteem

Some tips to try

Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.

• The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle. The maths is not the problem. What the test proves about her is.
  • Praise the work she has done, not the kind of child she is.
  • Talk about your own mistakes out loud, often.
  • At supper, ask what was interesting, not what was good.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-worksheet-torn-down-the-middle
• The Homework Redone for the Fourth Time. By the fourth redo, the homework has become an audition.
  • Interrupt the work: “That is enough for today.”
  • Say it in the same voice you use to call her to supper.
  • Interruption becomes evidence that the family does not require perfection.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-homework-redone-for-the-fourth-time
• The Conversation About What the Family Can Afford. For the parent whose child has just made the friend’s holiday a question.
  • Answer truthfully and briefly. We have made choices. Both families are fine.
  • Do not stage it. Have the answer settled before the question is asked.
  • Frame the family as steered, not stranded. That is what she is asking.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-conversation-about-what-the-family-can-afford

If you want to read further

• Perfectionism. A chapter for parents whose child cannot fail at anything. theparentbook.com/reader/perfectionism-and-the-child-whose-worth-feels-conditional

Worth your time

• A book for you: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Carol S. Dweck. The book that introduced the fixed-and-growth-mindset frame. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/mindset-updated-edition-changing-the-way-you-think-to-fulfil-your-potential-dr-carol-dweck/dc0545196991f038
• Something to watch: Listening to Shame, Brené Brown, TED. The companion talk to The Power of Vulnerability, given at TED 2012, on the distinction between guilt and shame and on why shame is the wound most often left untreated in households shaped by perfectionism. www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Where else to go

For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• YoungMinds. The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern. When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk www.youngminds.org.uk/parent
• Place2Be. School-based counselling charity. Their Parenting Smart articles are written by school-based counsellors and are my default for primary-age concerns. When the chapter is about primary-age (5-to-11) social or emotional concerns, particularly anything school-anchored. The Parenting Smart articles on friendship, behaviour and routines are the strongest sub-resource. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• Mental Health Foundation. A research and policy charity with strong family-focused resources. The right signpost when the angle is parental wellbeing or the family as a whole. Chapters about parental burnout, isolation, parental mental health affecting the child, or the family as a system. Less useful for child-specific clinical concerns; that is YoungMinds territory. www.mentalhealth.org.uk

The full list for self-esteem, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/self-esteem/services