The chapter to start with
Perfectionism
For parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong.
15 min read · Ages 4 to 18
School and pressure
Perfectionism
These pages are about the child who has come to feel their worth depends on getting things right: often high-achieving, often praised generously for years, and often more anxious than anyone has noticed. They’re for the parent learning to value the effort over the result, and to undo that sense of conditional worth without naming it harshly.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on perfectionism
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
A child who can’t bear to fail is usually frightened of what failing would say about them. That’s a fear, and fears can be worked with.
- Interrupt the work: “That’s enough for today.” A perfectionist child won’t stop on their own and needs an adult to stop them.
- Point out your own everyday mistakes, out loud and often. Your child is copying the way you deal with failure.
- Notice what your child has stopped trying. Avoiding anything they can’t be good at straight away is the sign that this has gone beyond high standards.
Chapters
1 on perfectionism
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
4 on perfectionism
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
School & pressure
The A That Felt Like Failing
If every mark changes how your teenager sees themselves, talk about the work more than the grade.
Try this
- Ask about the work more than the mark.
- If your teenager is losing sleep or skipping meals, talk to their school and your GP.
From the tip
If your teenager has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
If your child is badly hurt, or there is any chance they have taken too much of a medicine, don’t wait for an appointment: get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
School & pressure
The Homework Redone for the Fourth Time
If your child keeps redoing their homework because it isn’t perfect, end the session for them.
Try this
- Interrupt the work: “That’s enough for today.”
Big feelings
The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle
When a perfectionist child tears up their maths, they’re upset about what getting it wrong says about them.
Try this
- Praise the work your child has done, not the kind of child they are.
More quick tips on perfectionism
-
Family dynamics
Praise That Tells Your Child Something
Describe what your child did and how they did it, which tells them far more than a verdict on how clever they are.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
6 on perfectionism
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 5 min
A mistake each, at a weekly meal
Once a week, at one meal, everyone says one thing they got wrong, starting with you. Nobody comments on anyone else’s.
What it is for. In our experience, a child who fears mistakes is helped more by hearing adults make them, calmly and often, than by being told mistakes do not matter.
- The first step Explain it once, and keep it light: “Every week at this meal, we’re each going to say one thing we got wrong.”
When to get help. If your child’s fear of getting things wrong is stopping them from starting work, sleeping, or going to school, or their mood has been low for more than two weeks, talk to their school and your GP. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
-
To do together
Learning something new, badly, together
Each of you takes up something none of you can do, and practises it where the others can see. There is no show at the end.
About 10 min · Ages 7 to 18 · With a sheet to print
-
To do together
Losing at the kitchen table
A game now and then, where everyone loses sometimes, you included, and it is all right to be upset about losing.
About 30 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
-
To do together
The interesting bit and the hard bit
Ask your child one question at the end of the day, at supper or on the way home: what was interesting, and what was hard. Then answer it yourself.
About 5 min · Ages 5 to 13
-
To do together
After a mock
The same routine after every practice paper: collect your child, give them something to eat, walk home, and ask nothing about the paper that day.
About 30 min · Ages 9 to 18 · With a sheet to print
-
To do together
The thing your child can teach you
Ask your child to teach you something they can do and you can’t. They run the lesson, you get it wrong in front of them, and at the end you tell them what you learned.
About 20 min · Ages 7 to 18 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
5 on perfectionism
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to perfectionism
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with perfectionism, on a sheet of its own.
-
After a mock
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
-
Enough for today
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
-
Getting it wrong
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
-
What to say: when feelings run high
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
26 on perfectionism
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 10
-
Overcoming Perfectionism Roz Shafran, Sarah Egan and Tracey Wade A CBT self-help workbook from leading perfectionism researchers, written for adults and older teenagers. Useful for a parent who recognises their own perfectionism, or to work through alongside a 16 to 18-year-old. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
-
The Perfection Trap Thomas Curran
-
Smart Parenting for Smart Kids Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Mark S. Lowenthal
-
The Gifts of Imperfection Brené Brown
-
Enough As She Is Rachel Simmons
And five more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 14
-
Beautiful Oops! Barney Saltzberg · Ages 2 to 5 Tears, spills and smudges on each page become new pictures through flaps and folds. An interactive book that shows very young children mistakes can be the start of something good. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
-
The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes Mark Pett and Gary Rubinstein · Ages 4 to 8
-
What to Do When Mistakes Make You Quake: A Kid’s Guide to Accepting Imperfection Claire A. B. Freeland and Jacqueline B. Toner · Ages 6 to 12
-
Ish Peter H. Reynolds · Ages 5 to 8
-
The Most Magnificent Thing Ashley Spires · Ages 4 to 7
And nine more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 2
-
Child Mind Institute
How to Help Kids Who Are Too Hard on Themselves
On harsh self-talk and impossibly high standards: why some children run themselves down, how to respond with validation and realistic thinking, and when to seek help.
-
Place2Be
My child thinks they need to be perfect
For the child who tears up work over one mistake: the problems perfectionism brings, and how parents can praise effort, model making mistakes, and ease the pressure.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
8 on perfectionism
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 3
-
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
135: How Do I Combat My Kid’s Perfectionism?
Why some children hold themselves to impossible standards, how to counter the harsh self-talk that comes with it, and when perfectionism tips into depression. Damour offers sample language parents can use.
Also on this shelf
-
Raising Good Humans
Perfectionism Isn’t High Standards. It’s Hurting Your Kid
-
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
132: Never Enough: Confronting Toxic Achievement Culture (with author Jennifer Wallace)
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 5
-
YouTube · 2 min
My child thinks they need to be perfect | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
For the child who tears up work that isn’t perfect: how to notice effort, share your own mistakes and make it safe to get things wrong.
Also on this shelf
-
TED · 15 min
Our dangerous obsession with perfectionism is getting worse
Dr Thomas Curran, TED
-
TED · 14 min
How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
Julie Lythcott-Haims, TED
-
YouTube · 19 min
The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen
Dr Kristin Neff, YouTube
-
TED · 10 min
The power of believing that you can improve
Prof Carol Dweck, TED
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
Where to start
-
Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
-
Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
-
Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For perfectionism
-
YoungMinds
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
-
Place2Be
Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.
For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.
-
Anna Freud
The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment.
When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline.
Every organisation for perfectionism, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist