Perfectionism

Some tips to try

Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.

• The Homework Redone for the Fourth Time. By the fourth redo, the homework has become an audition.
  • Interrupt the work: “That is enough for today.”
  • Say it in the same voice you use to call her to supper.
  • Interruption becomes evidence that the family does not require perfection.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-homework-redone-for-the-fourth-time
• The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle. The maths is not the problem. What the test proves about her is.
  • Praise the work she has done, not the kind of child she is.
  • Talk about your own mistakes out loud, often.
  • At supper, ask what was interesting, not what was good.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-worksheet-torn-down-the-middle

If you want to read further

• Perfectionism. A chapter for parents whose child cannot fail at anything. theparentbook.com/reader/perfectionism-and-the-child-whose-worth-feels-conditional

Worth your time

• A book for you: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Carol S. Dweck. The book that introduced the fixed-and-growth-mindset frame. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/mindset-updated-edition-changing-the-way-you-think-to-fulfil-your-potential-dr-carol-dweck/dc0545196991f038
• Something to watch: The Power of Believing That You Can Improve, Carol Dweck, TED. The clearest short summary we know of the growth-mindset frame referenced across the perfectionism chapter and the school-pressure tips, calibrated for parents who want the underpinning before reading more. www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve

Where else to go

For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• YoungMinds. The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern. When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk www.youngminds.org.uk/parent
• Place2Be. School-based counselling charity. Their Parenting Smart articles are written by school-based counsellors and are my default for primary-age concerns. When the chapter is about primary-age (5-to-11) social or emotional concerns, particularly anything school-anchored. The Parenting Smart articles on friendship, behaviour and routines are the strongest sub-resource. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• Anna Freud. A research-led mental health centre. I send parents here when they want to read from a clinically authoritative source. Chapters touching attachment, trauma, neurodevelopment, or any concern where the parent benefits from reading from a centre with research credibility. The right pointer when YoungMinds feels too light. www.annafreud.org/parents-and-carers

The full list for perfectionism, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/perfectionism/services