The chapter to start with
Trauma in Childhood
For parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has.
16 min read
Growing up and identity
Attachment
Attachment is the bond that forms between a baby and the adults around them in the first years and goes on developing, in subtler ways, through childhood. It isn’t a parenting style or a verdict on you. These pages are for you if you want to see more clearly what’s happening between you and your child.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on attachment
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Attachment is built and rebuilt all the time, through the everyday business of putting things right when they go wrong. That means it isn’t something you either got right or missed, and it’s never too late to strengthen it.
- Find ten minutes a day that are your child’s alone, with no agenda and no phone. Doing it regularly counts for more than how long it lasts.
- Put things right out loud every time something goes wrong between you, however small. Children learn to feel secure by watching a relationship survive being damaged.
- If your child came to you through adoption, fostering or kinship, or if there was trauma early in their life, get specialist support rather than general advice.
Chapters
4 on attachment
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
- When a Child Is GrievingFor parents whose child has lost someone, or something, that was there last week. 10 min read
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After You Have Lost Your TemperA chapter for parents who have shouted, and are lying awake about it.
16 min read
Under 19 -
When Parents SeparateFor parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping.
13 min read
Ages 8 to 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
22 on attachment
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family dynamics
The Day the Fostered Child Arrives
A fostered child’s first 72 hours with you are for learning that your home is calm and predictable.
Try this
- Keep the first 72 hours slow and low-stakes.
Bodies & growing up
Talking With Your Baby Before They Have Words
Long before their first words, your baby is taking turns: answer their sounds and faces, name what they look at, and leave a gap for their reply.
Try this
- Name what your baby’s looking at, then wait for their turn.
From the tip
If you’re worried about your child’s talking or understanding, or they don’t seem to react to sounds or voices, speak to your health visitor or GP.
Family transitions
Leaving the House Your Child Loved
Give your child time to say goodbye to the places they loved before the boxes go.
Try this
- Photograph the doorframe, the garden corner and the view from your child’s window.
More quick tips on attachment
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Big feelings
The Grandparent Who Was a Third Parent
The grandmother who did the school run was part of the parenting.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
The Second Child, and the First
When a new baby arrives, every first child wants to know whether they are still the one.
2 min read · Under 9
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Big feelings
When Your Child Follows You From Room to Room
After something hard, a young child needs adults who are predictable, calm and in the room with them.
2 min read · Under 7
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Parent wellbeing
When Your Child Is Too Small for the Words
A child under five needs a short, calm explanation and care they can rely on.
1 min read · Under 5
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Family transitions
The First 48 Hours Back
After a long time apart, everyone at home has changed a little, and nobody wants to say so.
2 min read
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Family dynamics
The First Questions About Birth Parents
When your child asks about their birth parents at seven, what helps is a short, honest answer.
2 min read · Under 9
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Home And Belonging
The Grandparent in the Heritage Language
If the weekly call with Grandma is in Urdu, keep it that way.
2 min read
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Big feelings
The Long Shadow of Losing a Parent
A child who loses a parent will feel the loss in new ways across the next ten years.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Family dynamics
The Teenager Who Wants to Search
Wanting to search for a birth family is almost always healthy, so offer to help your teenager.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 16
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Family transitions
Answering a Grieving Child’s Questions
A grieving child’s questions often come out of nowhere; answer them briefly, in your everyday voice.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family dynamics
Explaining Where Mum Is
At six, a child may ask out of the blue where their mum is; give them a short, honest answer.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family transitions
The Handover at the Door
Keep the handover at the door short and factual, and have the adult conversations somewhere else.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Big feelings
The Things Children Grieve
Children grieve more things, and more often, than adults give them credit for.
2 min read
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Big feelings
When the Cat Dies
For many children, a pet’s death is their first significant bereavement, and the grief is real.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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School & pressure
When Your Child Cries at Drop-Off
Say goodbye the same short way every morning, and hand your child to an adult they know.
2 min read · Under 7
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Family dynamics
Answering a Fostered Child’s Questions About Their Past
When a fostered child asks about their past, take the question seriously and ask their social worker about it together.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Big feelings
The Sibling Who Has Died
Your child has lost a brother or sister and become the only child in the house.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family dynamics
When the Placement Ends
A placement ending is a real loss for carer and child, and it doesn’t always end the relationship.
2 min read
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Parent wellbeing
When Your Teenager Will Not Accept Your Sorry
Your teenager doesn’t have to accept your apology tonight for it to count; say it once, and leave them free to come round.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
5 on attachment
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 10 min
Ten minutes where your child leads
Ten minutes most days when your child chooses what you play and you follow their lead. You don’t teach, correct or ask questions, and they never have to earn it.
What it is for. When your child decides what happens and you follow, they get your full attention without having to ask for it. A child who can count on that has less need to look for attention in ways you’d rather they didn’t.
- The first step Pick a time you can keep most days, and tell your child once: “Every day after tea, you and I get ten minutes, and you choose what we play.”
Safety. Beads, little bricks and other small pieces are a choking hazard for children under three; keep them off the floor if a younger child is about.
When to get help. If, in play or in words, your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, don’t question them or interpret it; stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child’s behaviour is becoming more frequent, more severe or harder to manage over several weeks, or is affecting their learning, friendships or life at home, talk to their nursery or school and to your GP or health visitor.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
A box for the memories
After a death, make a box together for things that remind your child of the person, and a page of what they remember. Your child chooses what goes in, and the box is theirs.
An afternoon to start · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Back and forth
When your child looks, points, babbles or reaches, answer it, name it and wait for their turn: a few moments of back and forth, many times a day.
About 5 min · Under 5 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Time alone with each child
A regular time with each of your children on their own, doing something they choose. Keep it short enough to protect every week.
About 15 min · Ages 5 to 16 · With a sheet to print
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To do together
Reading in the same room
For the last twenty minutes before bed, everyone reads in one room, you included. Keep reading aloud to your child for longer than you think they need it.
About 20 min · Under 13
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
12 on attachment
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to attachment
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with attachment, on a sheet of its own.
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Ten minutes where they lead
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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After something frightening
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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What I will miss
To keep · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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A box for the memories
To fill in together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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The hard days in the year
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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A week across two homes
For the fridge · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
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Telling the children
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Back and forth
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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What to say: loss and change
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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What to say: when it is you
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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Time alone with each child
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
Books and reading
28 on attachment
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 18
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Raising a Secure Child Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper and Bert Powell, with Christine M. Benton The parents’ version of Circle of Security, an attachment programme used in many UK perinatal and early years services. It helps parents read a child’s cues and notice their own ‘shark music’ when needs feel hard to meet. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The Power of Showing Up Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
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Why Love Matters Sue Gerhardt
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Brain-Based Parenting Daniel A. Hughes and Jonathan Baylin
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Inside I’m Hurting Louise Michelle Bomber
And 13 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 7
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Cleo the Crocodile Activity Book for Children Who Are Afraid to Get Close Karen Treisman · Ages 5 to 10 A story about a crocodile who snaps to keep others away, followed by activities to help a child explore trust and closeness. Designed for foster, adoptive and kinship families working with a therapist or on their own. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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No Matter What Debi Gliori · Ages 2 to 5
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Owl Babies Martin Waddell · Ages 2 to 5
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The Invisible String Patrice Karst · Ages 4 to 7
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The Story of Tracy Beaker Jacqueline Wilson · Ages 8 to 11
And two more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 3
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Place2Be
Building secure relationships with children
A plain introduction to attachment for parents: what a secure relationship is, why it matters for a child’s confidence, and everyday things that build it.
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Place2Be
Helping your child when they start or change primary school
Preparing a young child for starting school or moving schools: what they might feel, how to talk about it beforehand, and how to handle the first weeks of goodbyes.
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Harvard Center on the Developing Child
Serve and Return
Harvard’s clear explanation of how everyday back-and-forth between a baby and an adult builds brain architecture, with five simple steps any parent can practise.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
11 on attachment
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 2
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MQ Open Mind
Professor Helen Minnis & Understanding Childhood Trauma
Glasgow child psychiatrist Helen Minnis discusses how maltreatment, neurodevelopment and mental health are connected across childhood, and what services make a difference for children who have experienced trauma.
Also on this shelf
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Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee
What Every Parent Should Know with Philippa Perry #75
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 9
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YouTube · 4 min
Circle of Security Animation
Circle of Security International, YouTube
The Circle of Security map in four minutes: a child goes out to explore and comes back for comfort, and the parent’s job is to be the secure base and safe haven at each point on the circle.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 2 min
The “Still Face” Experiment by Dr Ed Tronick
Dr Ed Tronick, YouTube
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YouTube · 3 min
Pre-Birth to Three: Doctor Suzanne Zeedyk - Importance of relationships
Dr Suzanne Zeedyk, YouTube
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YouTube · 5 min
Being With and Shark Music
Circle of Security International, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
Playing with my Child | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
And four more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Where to start
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For attachment
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Anna Freud
The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment.
When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline.
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Place2Be
Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.
For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
Every organisation for attachment, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist