Back and forth

About 5 minutes, for children under 5.

The activity

When she looks, points, babbles or reaches, answer it, name it and wait for her turn: a few moments of back and forth, many times a day.

What it is for. Babies and toddlers learn to talk, and learn that they are heard, through back and forth with the people who look after them: she makes a sound, a face or a point, and an adult answers. These everyday exchanges are linked with how children’s language develops, and they fit into moments you already have.

The first step. Notice what she is interested in: what she is looking at, pointing at, reaching for or babbling about. That is her turn.

Safety. If her crying ever makes you feel you might lose control, put her in her cot or pram, make sure she is safe, close the door and go into another room to calm yourself down. However frustrated you feel, never shake her.

When to get help. Children learn to talk at different ages. If you’re worried about her talking or understanding, or she doesn’t seem to react to sounds or voices, speak to your health visitor or GP, or contact your local speech and language therapy service. Tell them too if she rarely responds to her name or rarely shows you what she is interested in. If you find it hard to enjoy her or to feel close to her, or you feel low most days, talk to your health visitor or GP: it is common, and they can help. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or her, or of not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If you think someone is harming her, or she tells you something that worries you, stay calm, thank her if she has told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the same routes; if the person lives in your home or her other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

The sheet that goes with it comes with a subscription: Back and forth.

It goes with

Big Feelings and Co-Regulation. For parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help her through it.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

Child development. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
Attachment. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.

The rest of the library

The Parent Book is a library written by therapists: chapters on the situations parents bring to our therapy rooms most often, quick tips for tonight, things to do together, and every sheet to print. One subscription opens all of it, from the day you join.

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If you need help right now

If you or your child is in immediate danger: 999 · Go to your nearest A&E · 24/7.
If either you or your child is in a mental health crisis: NHS 111 · England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000 · 24/7.
If your child is under 19 and needs to talk to someone themselves: Childline · 0800 1111 · 24/7 · www.childline.org.uk.
If you are worried that a child is being harmed or is at risk: NSPCC Helpline · 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · email help@nspcc.org.uk · www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.
If you would prefer to text rather than speak: Shout · Text SHOUT to 85258 · 24/7 · giveusashout.org.
If you or someone you are worried about needs someone to talk to: Samaritans · 116 123 · 24/7 · www.samaritans.org.

If you need help right now

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.