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Growing up and identity
Sexuality is part of who a child is, and who they are becoming, in relation to other people. We’ve written about it carefully for every age, from a young child’s question about what a body is to the mid-teens conversation about what intimacy is for. These pages are for the parent who wants to be available without being intrusive.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on sexuality
From the therapists
If a young person has told you about this, they have chosen you. What they’ll remember is your face in the first two seconds, not the words.
1 on sexuality
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
The chapter to start with
For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
16 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
7 on sexuality
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Online life
Many children come across pornography by accident, often on social media, so talk to your child about it before someone shows them.
Try this
From the tip
Add one rule, whatever your child’s age: if anyone sends them a naked or sexual picture of someone under 18, or asks them for one, your child tells you and doesn’t pass it on. If that happens, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it, or ask a child to send it to you. A screenshot is a copy. Don’t delete anything until you have advice from the school’s designated safeguarding lead. If an adult sent it or asked for one, or anyone is pressuring your child to send pictures, report it to specialist police officers. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.
If an adult has shown your child pornography or sent it to them, treat it as a safeguarding matter and act that day. If it happened online, report it to the same specialist police officers too. If that adult lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
Online life
If your child has been watching pornography, start with a calm conversation, unless it involves a child, an adult contacting your child, or pressure.
Try this
From the tip
If you’ve come across a naked or sexual image of anyone who may be under 18, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it, or ask a child to send it to you. A screenshot is a copy. Leave the device alone, and ask the school’s designated safeguarding lead before deleting anything. An adult messaging your child about sex, or anyone pressuring them for pictures or threatening to share them, goes to specialist police officers. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/. An image of a child online can also be reported for removal. Internet Watch Foundation. Report at https://www.iwf.org.uk/en/uk-report/. If it is of your child, they can report it themselves. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/.
If you think your child has pressured or forced another child into anything sexual, tell the school’s designated safeguarding lead; if that child lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
If your child talks about harming themselves or not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
Family dynamics
Ask your child which words they use, use those, and let them tell you when you get it wrong.
Try this
More quick tips on sexuality
Bodies & growing up
A teenager needs to be able to try out a thought aloud before they know whether it fits.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Family dynamics
When your child tells you something that doesn’t fit what the family assumed, keep your first reply brief and warm.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 13
Family dynamics
When your teenager comes out at sixteen, let them decide who in the family is told next, and when.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
Bodies & growing up
Give a brief, accurate answer when your child asks how babies are made, then stop.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
2 on sexuality
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 20 min
If your teenager may be working out who they are, a short letter can tell them what is hard to say face to face: that you love them, and that they don’t have to reply.
What it is for. Some teenagers take in something important more easily when nobody is watching their face. A letter that asks for nothing lets them know where you stand before they have decided whether to tell you anything.
Safety. What they tell you about who they are is theirs to share, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting them, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be alive, don’t promise to keep it secret. Say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.
When to get help. If they seem low, withdrawn or anxious for weeks, or are being bullied, talk to your GP and their school. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If you think someone older is grooming them, online or off, act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting your child lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
To do together
Teach your child the NSPCC’s Underwear Rule a few minutes at a time, at bath time or getting dressed: their body belongs to them, and they can tell you any secret that worries them.
About 5 min · Under 11 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
3 on sexuality
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with sexuality, on a sheet of its own.
25 on sexuality
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
Also on this shelf
And three more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Also on this shelf
And six more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
NSPCC
For parents whose child is questioning or coming out: common terms, how to respond supportively, and what to do if they face bullying.
Place2Be
What to expect at each stage, from toddlers touching themselves to puberty, how to respond calmly, and how to talk about sex and sexuality at the right level.
NSPCC
How to talk to children about relationships, sex and consent, what a healthy relationship looks like, and warning signs of an unhealthy or controlling one.
Child Mind Institute
How to start a calm, unembarrassed conversation about pornography, explaining how it misrepresents bodies, sex and consent, and when to seek help.
NSPCC
Why young people share images, the risks of losing control of them, how to raise it without shaming, and what to do if it has already happened, including Report Remove.
NSPCC
Helps parents tell the difference between the ordinary, healthy sexual behaviour of growing up and behaviour that may signal a problem, and what to do about it.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
5 on sexuality
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
A teenager has come out to her mother as gay but does not want her father told. Damour explains how worried children can be about coming out, and how to handle the confidence and practical questions.
Also on this shelf
Thriving Kids
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
YouTube · 3 min
Thames Valley Police, YouTube
The well-known animation that explains sexual consent by comparing it with offering someone a cup of tea. Clear, funny and hard to misunderstand.
Also on this shelf
TED · 23 min
Andrew Solomon, TED
YouTube · 6 min
NCA-CEOP Education, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
A child’s sexuality is not something to treat, and most of this is conversation at home. Tell the school if your child is being bullied or left out, and ask for the designated safeguarding lead if you are worried about pressure from someone older, online or off; if it cannot wait, or the school is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”. See the GP if your child’s mood drops and stays low.
Where to start
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For sexuality
The young people’s sexual health charity. Calm pages for parents on puberty, periods and talking about sex and relationships at home.
When the question has arrived in the back of the car. Reading; the clinics are for young people themselves.
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
Every organisation for sexuality, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist
