Sexuality

Some tips to try

Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.

• Finding the Words for Gender and Sexuality. Ask her what words she uses. Use those. The language travels.
  • Ask once, without weight: “What words do you use. Tell me when I get it wrong.”
  • Be willing to be unfamiliar with terms and to ask.
  • The reading is fine; the reading does not replace the conversation.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-language-you-dont-quite-have
• The Long Question of Who She Is. Adolescence is an identity project. The child told who she is develops it in secret.
  • Ask, more than tell. Be curious, more than approving.
  • Make it safe enough for the thought to be tried out loud.
  • Trust that this takes years, not weeks.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-long-question-of-who-she-is
• When She Comes Out at Twelve. She has said something at supper that does not fit the family’s assumption.
  • Respond brief and warm: “Thank you for telling me. I love you.”
  • Do not ask the second and third question.
  • Be the parent who has received the information and is, audibly, still her parent.
  theparentbook.com/parents/library/quick-tips/the-small-declaration-at-twelve

If you want to read further

• When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. A chapter for parents whose child has asked the question they were not prepared for. theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-working-out-who-they-are

Worth your time

• A book for you: The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, Lisa Damour. Calm, evidence-based on adolescent emotion; the right read for parents avoiding contested cultural debates. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/the-emotional-lives-of-teenagers-raising-connected-capable-and-compassionate-adolescents-lisa-damour/e55cc358c32c4d2b

Where else to go

For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Brook. The UK’s national charity for young people’s sexual health and wellbeing. Their RSE pages are the cleanest single source we know for puberty, periods, and age-appropriate sex education at home. When a parent is preparing for or holding a puberty conversation, when a question about sex has arrived in the back of the car, or when a school’s RSE curriculum has prompted a follow-up at home. www.brook.org.uk
• YoungMinds. The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern. When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk www.youngminds.org.uk/parent

The full list for sexuality, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/sexuality/services