A regular time to ask about their story

The activity

Every few weeks, offer to get out the life story book or the photographs, and let your child lead, so they know questions about their past are always welcome.

What it is for. Openness about a child’s birth family and early life is good for adopted children, and children in care or in special guardianship should have information about their history that they can come back to at their own pace. A regular, unhurried time when the book comes out, and your child decides what to look at and what to ask, tells them the subject is welcome without making them talk about it. It does not replace life story work, which is a job for a trained social worker or therapist.

• The first step. Tell your child, once, that the life story book and the photographs are theirs to look at with you whenever they like, and suggest a regular time every few weeks.

Safety. Keep the originals of precious photographs and documents somewhere safe, and let your child handle copies. If your child is in care, agree with their social worker what you can show and say before you start.

When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page; if the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A child protection helpline, listed under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, will talk it through with you. If your child tells you about harm from before your child came to you, write down what your child said and tell your child’s social worker, your support team or children’s social care that day. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. If questions about the past bring distress that lasts for weeks, or your child’s behaviour changes, talk to the GP as well as your support team, and ask what further support you can have.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• A Child With Two Families. For parents and carers whose child came to them through adoption, special guardianship, kinship care or fostering.
• The Conversations Parents Avoid. For parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Adoption, fostering and kinship care. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Identity. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.