The chapter to start with
Anxiety, by Age
For parents of a child whose worry has started to make decisions for them, with what helps at each age and when to ask for help.
15 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Growing up and identity
Child development
Children grow into people slowly, and these pages cover each stage: attachment in the early years, the magical thinking of the preschool child, learning to get on with others in middle childhood, and the long process of becoming a separate person in adolescence. They’re for parents who want to know what stage of development lies behind a question.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on child development
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Development is uneven by nature. Children get to things in a different order and in a different month, and most of what looks like a delay is within the normal range.
- Write down what you’ve noticed and when, and don’t compare your child with a friend’s child.
- Ask the school or nursery what they see. They see a lot of children, and you have one.
- If something has stalled or gone backwards, see the GP. Going backwards is the sign to act on quickly.
Chapters
3 on child development
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
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Puberty, and the Body That Gets There FirstA chapter for parents whose child’s body has started to change, perhaps sooner than either of them expected.
19 min read
Ages 7 to 16 - Big Feelings and Co-RegulationFor parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help them through it. 13 min read
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
39 on child development
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Bodies & growing up
Talking With Your Baby Before They Have Words
Long before their first words, your baby is taking turns: answer their sounds and faces, name what they look at, and leave a gap for their reply.
Try this
- Name what your baby’s looking at, then wait for their turn.
From the tip
If you’re worried about your child’s talking or understanding, or they don’t seem to react to sounds or voices, speak to your health visitor or GP.
Bodies & growing up
The Late Talker
If your child is three and not talking like other children, there is an established route to help.
Try this
- Use the existing UK pathway: health visitor, GP, local speech and language service.
From the tip
You can reach the health visitor, the GP and the local authority’s speech and language therapy service through a referral from the nursery or one you make yourself.
Family dynamics
The Party Your Child Needs to Leave
Some children run out of social energy long before the party ends, and going home is how they recover.
Try this
- Let your child leave when they need to, without treating them as unusual.
More quick tips on child development
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Bodies & growing up
Toilet Training as a Family Project
Toilet training works when your child’s body and brain are ready, whatever the timetable says.
2 min read · Under 7
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Big feelings
Giving Your Child Words for the Hard Thing
A young child rarely has words for something hard; give them a simple phrase for what their body feels.
2 min read · Under 7
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Friendships & social life
Hiding Behind Your Legs
Many young children take a while to warm up; stay close, let your child answer in their own way, and don’t call them shy.
2 min read · Under 7
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Bodies & growing up
The Boy Whose Voice Is Changing
Once your son’s voice starts to crack, have a short, matter-of-fact talk with him about puberty.
1 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Bodies & growing up
The Day Your Child Asked About Sex
Give a brief, accurate answer when your child asks how babies are made, then stop.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family dynamics
The Extroverted Parent and the Introvert Child
An extroverted parent often mistakes an introverted child’s temperament for shyness or low confidence.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Bodies & growing up
The First Bra Conversation
Take your daughter’s question about a first bra seriously, and treat the shopping as an everyday errand.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Bodies & growing up
The Talk Before It Is Needed
Aim for eighteen short conversations about puberty over two or three years, starting early.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
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Home And Belonging
When the Heritage Tongue Slips
If your child used to answer you in Urdu and now answers only in English, keep speaking Urdu to them.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Bodies & growing up
The First Period That Arrived at School
When your daughter’s first period starts at school, take her home and treat the rest of the afternoon as normal.
1 min read · Ages 9 to 13
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Home And Belonging
The Language Spoken at Home
Keep speaking your heritage language at home; the research supports it.
2 min read
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Bodies & growing up
The Shut Door
A child who suddenly wants privacy is growing up, and knocking first tells them that their body is theirs.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Bodies & growing up
What Your Son Will Not Ask You
Some of what a boy needs to know about puberty is awkward to ask, so tell him before he has to.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Bodies & growing up
When Puberty Starts at Eight
In a girl, puberty at eight is within the normal range, and girls who feel prepared and accepted at home tend to fare better.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
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Neurodiversity
The Child Who Reads the World Differently
Your child experiences the world differently from you, and it helps to find out how.
2 min read
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Family dynamics
The Secrets Your Child Can Always Tell
Teach your child that surprises get told in the end, and that a secret that worries them is one they can always tell you.
2 min read · Under 9
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Bodies & growing up
The Toddler Who Keeps Getting Out of Bed
Go back to your toddler before they get up, and when they do get up, take them back to bed without a conversation.
2 min read · Under 5
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Health and difference
When Medication Becomes Family Routine
Build the medication into something the family already does, and give your child ownership of the routine in stages.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Big feelings
When the Lid Has Flipped
When a child is overwhelmed, a few words usually reach them better than a lot.
2 min read · Under 7
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Friendships & social life
When Your Child Wants to Be Someone Else
Trying out new tastes and opinions is how a child starts to work out who they are.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
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Bodies & growing up
When Your Teenager Cannot Fall Asleep Before Midnight
Your teenager’s body clock has moved later; a fixed time to get up, morning light and phones out of the bedroom can help them fall asleep sooner.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
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Family dynamics
When Your Young Child Questions Their Gender
At this age nobody can reliably tell whether these feelings will last, so listen, and keep their options open.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Big feelings
Why Trauma Shows Up in the Body First
Young children usually show trauma in their bodies and behaviour before they can put it into words.
2 min read · Under 7
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Health and difference
The Child Who Has Become the Adult
A twelve-year-old doing the family’s supermarket shop needs to hear that they can still be a child.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
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Bodies & growing up
The Three-Year-Old Who Hits
Stop the hit first, then help your child find words for what they were feeling.
2 min read · Under 5
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Bodies & growing up
The Two-Year-Old in Tears
Crying is how a two-year-old tells you what they can’t yet put into words.
2 min read · Under 5
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Family dynamics
Twins in the Early Years
Early-years twins are more exhausting than most people realise, so cut back on everything else.
2 min read · Under 7
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Big feelings
When Everything Is Boring
Boredom can be a sign of low mood when it takes in almost everything, friends included, and lasts a fortnight or more.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
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Health and difference
When Your Child Notices Their Family Is Different
Around eight, your child will notice that their family is different from their friends’ families, so be ready for it.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
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Online life
A First Tablet at Four
At four, treat the tablet as yours, lent to your child for short stretches with you nearby.
2 min read · Under 7
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Neurodiversity
Building the Structure Your Child’s Brain Needs
Your child’s brain needs structure from outside, and you’re the one who has to provide it.
2 min read
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Parent wellbeing
Talking to Your Child About Money
Money is something you can talk about with your child, though most families don’t.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
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Health and difference
The Day of the Diagnosis
In the days after a diagnosis, tell your child often that the condition doesn’t change who they are.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Bodies & growing up
The Long Question of Who They Are
A teenager needs to be able to try out a thought aloud before they know whether it fits.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
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Home And Belonging
The Summer Trip Back
A visit to the country you left can unsettle a second-generation child; don’t make it a test they can fail.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Home And Belonging
When Your Child Asks Where Home Is
A child who has moved between countries may ask where home is; answer with more than one place.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
2 on child development
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 5 min
Back and forth
When your child looks, points, babbles or reaches, answer it, name it and wait for their turn: a few moments of back and forth, many times a day.
What it is for. Babies and toddlers learn to talk, and learn that they are heard, through back and forth with the people who look after them: a child makes a sound, a face or a point, and an adult answers. These everyday exchanges are linked with how children’s language develops, and they fit into moments you already have.
- The first step Notice what your child is interested in: what they are looking at, pointing at, reaching for or babbling about. That is their turn.
Safety. If your child’s crying ever makes you feel you might lose control, put them in their cot or pram, make sure they are safe, close the door and go into another room to calm yourself down. However frustrated you feel, never shake them.
When to get help. Children learn to talk at different ages. If you’re worried about your child’s talking or understanding, or they don’t seem to react to sounds or voices, speak to your health visitor or GP, or contact your local speech and language therapy service. Tell them too if your child rarely responds to their name or rarely shows you what they are interested in. If you find it hard to enjoy your child or to feel close to them, or you feel low most days, talk to your health visitor or GP: it is common, and they can help. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child, or of not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If you think someone is harming your child, or your child tells you something that worries you, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the same routes; if the person lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
Cooking one thing together
Cook one dish together each week, side by side, and give your child a real job. If they want to talk, they can do it while they chop.
About 45 min · Under 18 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
22 on child development
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to child development
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with child development, on a sheet of its own.
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Where a feeling sits
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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A way back to the room
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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Before you see the GP about your child
For an appointment · A4, two sides · Free
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Worry time
To fill in together · A4, two pages · With a subscription
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First this, then that
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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When feelings get big: our plan
To make together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Solving it together
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Ten minutes where they lead
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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The first hour home
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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The day, in pictures
For the fridge · A4 · With a subscription
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Talking, side by side
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
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Putting it right
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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Back and forth
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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What to say: growing up
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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The people I can tell
To make together · A4, two pages · Free
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What to say: when feelings run high
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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After something frightening
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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What to say: when it is you
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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What to say: loss and change
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
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Telling the children
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Jobs in the kitchen, by age
For the kitchen · A4 · With a subscription
Books and reading
39 on child development
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 26
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The Philosophical Baby Alison Gopnik A developmental psychologist explores what babies and young children are really doing when they play, pretend and imagine, and why their minds are so good at learning. Reflective rather than practical. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The Psychology of Babies Lynne Murray
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Child of Mine Ellyn Satter
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The Gardener and the Carpenter Alison Gopnik
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Touchpoints T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua D. Sparrow
And 21 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 8
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Blame My Brain: The Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed Nicola Morgan · Ages 12 to 18 Nicola Morgan explains, with humour and sound science, why the teenage brain is still under construction, from shifting sleep to risk taking. Reassuring for a teenager who feels out of step, and useful for parents too. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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What’s Happening to Me? The Boy One Alex Frith and Micaela Tapsell (after Susan Meredith) · Ages 9 to 12
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What’s Happening to Me? The Girl One Micaela Tapsell (after Susan Meredith) · Ages 9 to 12
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How to Grow Up and Feel Amazing! The No-Worries Guide for Boys Dr Ranj Singh · Ages 10 to 13
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Ten Ways to Build a Brilliant Brain Nicola Morgan · Ages 9 to 13
And three more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 5
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Harvard Center on the Developing Child
Serve and Return
Harvard’s clear explanation of how everyday back-and-forth between a baby and an adult builds brain architecture, with five simple steps any parent can practise.
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Child Bereavement UK
Children’s understanding of death at different ages
Age by age, from toddlers to teenagers, what children understand about death and how grief may show up in their behaviour.
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Place2Be
Understanding sexual development to support your child
What to expect at each stage, from toddlers touching themselves to puberty, how to respond calmly, and how to talk about sex and sexuality at the right level.
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GOV.UK (Early Years Screen Time Advisory Group)
Screen use by children aged under 5
The UK government’s independent review of the evidence on screens in the under-fives, chaired by the Children’s Commissioner and Professor Russell Viner, with recommendations for parents.
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NSPCC
Sexual behaviour in children
Helps parents tell the difference between the ordinary, healthy sexual behaviour of growing up and behaviour that may signal a problem, and what to do about it.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
14 on child development
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 3
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MQ Open Mind
The Teenage Brain Explained with Prof Sarah-Jayne Blakemore
Cambridge neuroscientist Sarah-Jayne Blakemore explains how the adolescent brain develops, why friends and social belonging matter so much to teenagers, and what this means for families and schools.
Also on this shelf
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Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators
Episode 182 - Dr Cassie Rhodes Talks with Dr Isabel Morales-Muñoz: Sleep in Babies and Young Children and its Impact on Later Mental Wellbeing
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Dr Kathy Weston, Dr Cassie Rhodes (Tooled Up Education)
Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 11
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YouTube · 2 min
Experiences Build Brain Architecture
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, YouTube
A short animation explaining that the brain is built over time, from the bottom up, and that early relationships and experiences shape whether that foundation is sturdy or fragile.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 6 min
5 Steps for Brain-Building Serve and Return
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, YouTube
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TED · 14 min
The mysterious workings of the adolescent brain
Prof Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, TED
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BBC
BBC Tiny Happy People
BBC, BBC
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YouTube
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, YouTube
And six more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Where to start
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your local authority
The council’s children’s services and SEND team. They hold statutory assessment, the Local Offer, and early help for families who need more than a school can give.
When school-level support has been tried and is not enough, or when you want to know what your area actually provides.
For child development
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NHS Best Start in Life (Start for Life)
The NHS’s pages for pregnancy, babies and toddlers: feeding, sleep, bonding, potty training, early learning and school readiness, plus your local Family Hub.
For the under-fives, as the first place to check.
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NCT (National Childbirth Trust)
The early-years charity. Calm, evidence-based pages on toddlers, sleep and development, local groups, and a daily infant feeding line.
For the under-fives. The phone line is for feeding questions; everything else is on the site and in the groups.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.
NCT Infant Feeding Line 0300 330 0700 · Every day 8am-midnight
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Action for Children Parent Talk
A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life.
When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral.
Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions
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Anna Freud
The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment.
When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline.
Every organisation for child development, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist