The chapter to start with
When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are
For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
16 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Growing up and identity
Gender identity
These pages are about how a child experiences their own gender, written with deliberate clinical care. They don’t argue for any position. They’re for the parent supporting a child whose questions about who they are have changed, and they point to clinical pathways where they’re needed.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on gender identity
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
You don’t have to have worked out what you think to be a good parent to a child who is working out who they are. At first, your whole job is to be calm and warm.
- Use the name and the words your child has asked for while you’re still thinking. It costs you nothing, and it’s exactly the signal they’re watching for.
- Keep the door open, and don’t try to settle it. This is a conversation that goes on for years, and there’s no decision to make this week.
- Find support for yourself, from another adult or a therapist, so your child isn’t the one helping you work through it.
Chapters
1 on gender identity
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
5 on gender identity
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family dynamics
When Your Young Child Questions Their Gender
At this age nobody can reliably tell whether these feelings will last, so listen, and keep their options open.
Try this
- Listen, and let them play and dress up as they like.
- Get clinical advice early, starting with your GP, if you are thinking about a new name or pronouns.
- If they seem distressed, anxious or low for weeks, talk to your GP.
From the tip
If you are thinking about changes that go further, such as a new name or pronouns at home or at school, the review recommends that families of young children see an experienced clinician early, and your GP is the place to start.
In England the NHS gender service for children takes referrals from a paediatrician or a children’s mental health service, not directly from GPs.
If they hurt themselves, or talk about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
Family dynamics
Finding the Words for Gender and Sexuality
Ask your child which words they use, use those, and let them tell you when you get it wrong.
Try this
- Ask once, lightly: “What words do you use? Tell me when I get it wrong.”
Bodies & growing up
The Long Question of Who They Are
A teenager needs to be able to try out a thought aloud before they know whether it fits.
Try this
- Start with: “Thank you for telling me. I love you. I want to understand.”
From the tip
If your teenager tells you something personal, reassure them about your relationship before anything else: “Thank you for telling me. I love you. I want to understand.” Then ask: “Is there anything you want me to do, or would you rather I just knew?” Ask who else knows, and who they would want to know. What they have told you is theirs to tell, so it does not go to relatives, friends or school without their permission, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting your teenager, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be here, say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.
You may need time yourself, too. Take your own questions to another adult you trust, or to a counsellor, so your teenager doesn’t have to settle them for you. If you want to talk to a parent who has been where you are, there is a parent-run charity for the parents and families of LGBT+ people, and its helpline is answered by parents. FFLAG (parents and families of LGBT+ people), 0300 688 0368. Wed-Thu 10am-8pm; Fri-Sat 10am-6pm. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Anna Freud’s family-wellbeing pages cover looking after yourself while you are supporting your child, which is the part parents most often skip. The lines below are for you as much as for them.
More quick tips on gender identity
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Family dynamics
When Your Child Comes Out at Twelve
When your child tells you something that doesn’t fit what the family assumed, keep your first reply brief and warm.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 13
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Family dynamics
Coming Out to the Rest of the Family
When your teenager comes out at sixteen, let them decide who in the family is told next, and when.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
1 on gender identity
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 20 min
A letter they don’t have to answer
If your teenager may be working out who they are, a short letter can tell them what is hard to say face to face: that you love them, and that they don’t have to reply.
What it is for. Some teenagers take in something important more easily when nobody is watching their face. A letter that asks for nothing lets them know where you stand before they have decided whether to tell you anything.
- The first step Write it when you are calm. Keep it short, a few lines or half a page, in your own words.
Safety. What they tell you about who they are is theirs to share, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting them, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be alive, don’t promise to keep it secret. Say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.
When to get help. If they seem low, withdrawn or anxious for weeks, or are being bullied, talk to your GP and their school. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If you think someone older is grooming them, online or off, act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting your child lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
2 on gender identity
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to gender identity
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with gender identity, on a sheet of its own.
To read online
1 on gender identity
Pages from organisations we trust, each chosen for a reason.
To read online 1
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NHS
Gender dysphoria and incongruence
The NHS explanation of gender dysphoria and incongruence, how it is assessed, what to do while waiting, and how care for children and young people differs from care for adults.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
A child’s questions about gender are not, in themselves, something to treat, and the first conversations are usually at home. Ask your child what they would like the school to know, then talk to the school, so the adults who see them every day can help. See the GP if your child is distressed, low or withdrawn. The GP is also the way into NHS services: in England, a referral to the NHS children and young people’s gender service comes through a paediatrician or CAMHS, and the GP can refer to either.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For gender identity
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Brook
The young people’s sexual health charity. Calm pages for parents on puberty, periods and talking about sex and relationships at home.
When the question has arrived in the back of the car. Reading; the clinics are for young people themselves.
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YoungMinds
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
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Mind
The UK’s mental health charity. Pages written for parents of a struggling young person, an Infoline that points you to the right service, and a Support Line that will simply listen.
When your own reserves are running low and you want to talk to someone who is not the GP, your partner or a friend. Not for a crisis.
If tonight is urgent, use the numbers under “If you need help right now”, at the end of this page.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.
Mind Infoline 0300 123 3393 · Mon-Fri 9am-6pm (except bank holidays) · Mind Support Line 0300 102 1234, Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, for emotional support rather than signposting · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
Every organisation for gender identity, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist