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Growing up and identity
These pages are about who your child is becoming, and who they’re being asked to be: race, faith, sexuality, gender, growing up as a third-culture kid, an adopted child’s questions about their birth family, and the young teenager redrawing their sense of themselves. We go carefully and don’t rush to an answer.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on identity
From the therapists
If your child has told you they’re working out who they are, they have paid you a big compliment. Before you agree or disagree with anything, your child needs to see that telling you hasn’t cost them anything.
1 on identity
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
The chapter to start with
For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
16 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
27 on identity
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family dynamics
If you and your partner differ on faith, tell your child openly, in words that suit their age.
Try this
Family dynamics
A child growing up between two cultures learns two ways of doing things, and both are theirs.
Try this
Family dynamics
Assignments like the family tree can be hard for adopted children, and most schools will adapt them if asked.
Try this
More quick tips on identity
Home And Belonging
If your child used to answer you in Urdu and now answers only in English, keep speaking Urdu to them.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
Home And Belonging
If your child has started refusing the family’s food, keep cooking it and take the pressure off.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Friendships & social life
Trying out new tastes and opinions is how a child starts to work out who they are.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Family dynamics
Ask your child which words they use, use those, and let them tell you when you get it wrong.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
Family dynamics
When your child asks about their birth parents at seven, what helps is a short, honest answer.
2 min read · Under 9
Home And Belonging
If the weekly call with Grandma is in Urdu, keep it that way.
2 min read
Home And Belonging
Keep speaking your heritage language at home; the research supports it.
2 min read
Bodies & growing up
A teenager needs to be able to try out a thought aloud before they know whether it fits.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 18
Home And Belonging
A visit to the country you left can unsettle a second-generation child; don’t make it a test they can fail.
1 min read · Ages 7 to 16
Family dynamics
Wanting to search for a birth family is almost always healthy, so offer to help your teenager.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 16
Home And Belonging
When half of your child’s life goes unmentioned at school, keep it part of everyday life at home.
1 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Home And Belonging
A child who has moved between countries may ask where home is; answer with more than one place.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 16
Family dynamics
When your child tells you something that doesn’t fit what the family assumed, keep your first reply brief and warm.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 13
Family dynamics
When your teenager comes out at sixteen, let them decide who in the family is told next, and when.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
Health and difference
Other children will ask about your disability or illness, and your child will need words ready to answer.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
Family dynamics
At this age nobody can reliably tell whether these feelings will last, so listen, and keep their options open.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
Family dynamics
If a school misreads your child’s culture, specific examples usually help it adjust.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Health and difference
Around eight, your child will notice that their family is different from their friends’ families, so be ready for it.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
Friendships & social life
Your teenager has chosen someone you wouldn’t have chosen for them.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
Online life
Being curious without blame can help your son see you as someone to talk to, so ask what he likes about them first.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
Neurodiversity
Start soon after the diagnosis, say a little at a time in words that fit your child’s age, and treat it as the first of many conversations.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
Online life
The platform chooses what’s in your child’s feed to keep them watching, and it can leave them feeling flat.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
Neurodiversity
A diagnosis at sixteen often brings a teenager more relief than their parents expected.
2 min read · Ages 13 to 18
School & pressure
If your teenager decides not to go to university, treat it as their decision and ask what they want instead.
2 min read · Ages 13 and over
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
2 on identity
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · An evening, or an afternoon
Your child chooses a film, a book, a song or a game they care about. You watch it, read it or play it, and ask one curious question.
What it is for. A teenager working out who they are often does it through the things they love. Going to those things on their terms, with no laughing and no correcting, shows them they can work things out at home.
Safety. Check the age rating first; if your child’s choice is well beyond their age, ask kindly for another. If it is an online game, play beside your child; this is not the evening to look through their messages.
When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child’s mood has been flat, and they have been withdrawing, for several weeks, talk to your GP.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
To do together
If your teenager may be working out who they are, a short letter can tell them what is hard to say face to face: that you love them, and that they don’t have to reply.
About 20 min · Ages 11 to 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
5 on identity
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with identity, on a sheet of its own.
What to say: growing up
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
What to say: loss and change
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Telling the children
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
Talking, side by side
Cards to cut out · A4, four cards to cut · With a subscription
59 on identity
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
Also on this shelf
And 18 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Also on this shelf
And 27 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Place2Be
What cultural identity means for a child growing up between cultures or in a mixed family, why it matters for wellbeing, and activities to explore heritage together.
Place2Be
Why these conversations feel awkward, what research shows children already notice about race at a young age, and ways to talk about racial identity and unfairness.
Place2Be
Why belonging matters so much to children, why some find it harder at school or after a move, and small things parents can do to help a child feel they fit.
NSPCC
For parents whose child is questioning or coming out: common terms, how to respond supportively, and what to do if they face bullying.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
4 on identity
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children
The authors of the Autism, Identity and Me workbook discuss helping autistic children understand their diagnosis and build a positive sense of who they are, and how parents and teachers can support that.
TED · 19 min
Susan Cain, TED
Susan Cain makes the case for quieter temperaments in a culture that prizes the outgoing, useful for parents of reserved children who are being nudged to be louder.
Also on this shelf
TED · 23 min
Andrew Solomon, TED
TED · 14 min
Prof Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, TED
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
Where to start
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For identity
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
The largest UK directory of therapists of Black, African, Asian and Caribbean heritage, searchable by area and specialism.
When it matters that the therapist understands your family’s cultural reference points without being taught them. A directory; BAATN does not provide the therapy itself.
Every organisation for identity, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist
