The long question of who a child is becoming, and who she is being asked to be. Race, faith, sexuality, gender, the third-culture-kid map, the adopted child’s birth-family questions, the early teenager redrawing the lines. The pages here hold the territory carefully and without rushing the answer.
A child working out who she is has, by telling you, paid you a large compliment. What she needs first is not agreement or disagreement; it is to see that telling you did not cost her anything.
Respond to the trust before the content. “Thank you for telling me. I love you and nothing about that has changed.”
Ask questions rather than making statements, and be willing not to understand yet.
Take your own reaction, whatever it is, to another adult rather than to her. You are allowed to be finding this hard; she should not have to manage that.
Some tips to try
Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.
Faith in a Household Where Parents Differ.Children read household difference. Be honest about what each parent holds.
Name the difference openly, in language calibrated to her age.
Both parents show up at the festival of the faith they do not practise.
Give her the room to think rather than asking her to choose.
A book for you: Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Daniel J. Siegel.The neuroscience of adolescence, written for a general audience.uk.bookshop.org/search?keywords=brainstorm+siegel
Something to watch: Love, No Matter What, Andrew Solomon, TED.Andrew Solomon’s quietly moving TEDMED talk on parenting a child who is different from the parents, drawn from long-form interviews with families navigating identity, disability, and the work of unconditional acceptance.www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_love_no_matter_what
Where else to go
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Your child’s school.The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps.Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
Your GP.The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
Brook.The UK’s national charity for young people’s sexual health and wellbeing. Their RSE pages are the cleanest single source we know for puberty, periods, and age-appropriate sex education at home.When a parent is preparing for or holding a puberty conversation, when a question about sex has arrived in the back of the car, or when a school’s RSE curriculum has prompted a follow-up at home.www.brook.org.uk
The Black, African and Asian Therapy Network (BAATN).Home to the largest UK directory of counsellors and psychotherapists of Black, African, Asian and Caribbean heritage. The right pointer for families looking for a therapist who shares the cultural reference points.Quick tips or chapters touching identity, cultural register, intergenerational difference, or any moment where a parent has indicated that finding a therapist who understands the family’s cultural background matters. Therapists in the directory hold relevant qualifications and are registered with accrediting professional bodies (BACP, NCPS, UKCP, BPS).A directory of therapists rather than a helpline. BAATN does not provide the therapy itself.www.baatn.org.uk
YoungMinds.The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern.When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range.Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.ukwww.youngminds.org.uk/parent
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.