A box for the memories

The activity

After a death, make a box together for things that remind your child of the person, and a page of what they remember. Your child chooses what goes in, and the box is theirs.

What it is for. Finding ways to remember someone who has died can help a child feel connected to that person. The box gives the child’s memories a place, and something they can go back to when they want to.

• The first step. In the weeks after the death, offer it once: “Would you like to make a box for things that remind you of Granny?” If your child says no, leave it, and offer again another time.

Safety. Put a copy of a precious photograph in the box, and keep the original somewhere safe. Leave medicines, blades, lighters and glass bottles out of the box, whatever your child’s age. A little of the person’s perfume on a scarf keeps the smell without the bottle. If there’s a child under three in the house, keep small objects such as rings in a tin with a firm lid.

When to get help. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. Do the same if your child talks, even in passing, about wanting to join the person who has died, and don’t wait to be certain. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page; if the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. Grief often comes in waves. Let your child’s school know about the death in any case, and talk to the school and your GP if, weeks on, your child can’t manage day to day, has been refusing school for a long time, or is very anxious or panicky.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

The sheet that goes with it comes with a subscription: A box for the memories.

It goes with

• When a Child Is Grieving. For parents whose child has lost someone, or something, that was there last week.
• The Conversations Parents Avoid. For parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Bereavement. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Attachment. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.