The chapter to start with
When Parents Separate
For parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping.
13 min read · Ages 8 to 18
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
When a family changes
Separation and divorce
When parents separate, the family reorganises, and it’s still a family. These pages cover the week you tell the children, life across two homes, a new partner and the years that follow. They’re for the time after the decision has been made, and the slow process of helping your child through it.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on separation and divorce
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Children do not, in the research or in our consulting room, come to harm from separation itself. They come to harm from being in the middle of a conflict they cannot leave. Keeping them out of that conflict is your whole job this year.
- Tell them together if you possibly can, in plain words, and answer the three things they’re really asking: this isn’t your fault, you’re not losing either of us, and here’s what happens next week.
- Keep one routine exactly the same in both homes. Bedtime makes the most difference.
- Tell the school this week, so the adults around your child are keeping an eye out. Then say nothing to the children about the argument between the adults, however unfair that feels.
Captions are available.Watch with audio description
The film in words
On screen: The navy cloth cover of The Parent Book, with its gold mark. Beneath the title: Separation and divorce · What to do first.
On screen: The cover lifts, and the library’s page on separation and divorce lies beneath it. Its drawing, two small wooden houses, appears as if printed, captioned “Two front doors”.
When parents separate, the family reorganises, and it’s still a family.
On screen: The page’s opening sentence is underlined in gold. The page moves down to What to do first, from the therapists.
Children do not, in the research or in our consulting room, come to harm from separation itself. They come to harm from being in the middle of a conflict they cannot leave. Keeping them out of that conflict is your whole job this year.
On screen: “Keeping them out of that conflict is your whole job this year” is underlined. The first of three steps is lifted from the page.
Tell them together if you possibly can, in plain words, and answer the three things they’re really asking: this isn’t your fault, you’re not losing either of us, and here’s what happens next week.
On screen: “this isn’t your fault, you’re not losing either of us, and here’s what happens next week” is underlined. The step is set back in its place, and the second is lifted.
Keep one routine exactly the same in both homes. Bedtime makes the most difference.
On screen: “Keep one routine exactly the same in both homes” is underlined. The step is set back in its place, and the third is lifted.
Tell the school this week, so the adults around your child are keeping an eye out. Then say nothing to the children about the argument between the adults, however unfair that feels.
On screen: “Tell the school this week” is underlined. The step is set back, and What to do first is seen whole, every step underlined, with the page’s own line beneath them: If you are worried about a child’s safety. Safeguarding: what to do and who to tell. Urgent help. Then the page’s head again.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
On screen: “free to read and to print” is underlined, in the page’s own line. The page dissolves into the navy cover, and gold is laid into its mark: The Parent Book. Separation and divorce · What to do first. theparentbook.com/help/separation-divorce. Written by qualified therapists registered with the BACP and NCPS.
Chapters
2 on separation and divorce
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
- The Conversations Parents AvoidFor parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start. 13 min read
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
14 on separation and divorce
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family transitions
Telling the Children About the Separation
A child usually remembers the second conversation about a separation, when they ask what’s been on their mind.
Try this
- Have the conversation together, in one room, calmly and briefly.
Family transitions
The Diary Across Two Houses
A child living between two homes has a lot to keep track of, so give them a shared diary.
Try this
- Print a colour-coded week on the fridge at your child’s eye level.
Family transitions
The Handover at the Door
Keep the handover at the door short and factual, and have the adult conversations somewhere else.
Try this
- Keep the doorway exchange to the practical facts and goodbye.
More quick tips on separation and divorce
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Family transitions
The Handover Cancelled at Six
Don’t rush to fill the evening when the other parent cancels a handover at the last minute.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family transitions
The Rules That Vary Across Homes
If the bedtime is different at the other parent’s, your child will be alright.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
The Teenager Who Refuses the New Family
A teenager who won’t engage with a new stepfamily is rarely being difficult on purpose.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
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Family transitions
Two Birthdays, Two Christmases
Agree the year’s special days with the other parent in advance, so your child is never the one who has to choose.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
When the New Partner Meets Your Child
Before your child meets a new partner, tell them plainly who this person is, and keep the first meeting short.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
When the Other Parent Does Not Ring
If the other parent misses a promised call, it falls to you to help your child through the evening.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family transitions
When Your Child Does Not Want to Go
Find out what’s behind it before you decide anything, and if it’s about your child’s safety, act on it that day.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
Your Child’s Side of the Handover
The moments either side of a handover are easier when your child’s things are already in both homes, the goodbye is predictable, and no questions are asked the minute they walk in.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
The Step-Sibling First Meeting
To a child, a new step-sibling is a stranger, so keep the first meeting short and low-key.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
The Wedding the Children Are In
Let your child choose the part they play in the wedding.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 16
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Family transitions
When the Step-Parent Acts as Parent
If it grates when your new partner disciplines your child, sort it out between the adults.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
2 on separation and divorce
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 20 min
Both homes, one calendar
Both parents keep one calendar up to date, and your teenager adds their own plans to it. Once a term, each of you asks them how the arrangements are working.
What it is for. Teenagers living across two homes often say they want a say in the arrangements, and don’t want to be the go-between. A calendar the adults keep accurate, which your teenager can see and add to, gives them a voice without putting them in the middle.
- The first step Agree between the adults which calendar you will use and who updates what. Do this without your teenager.
Safety. Where there has been domestic abuse, or an address needs to stay private, don’t use a shared calendar or location sharing that could show where your teenager or you are. You don’t have to agree changes with the other parent directly; get advice on a safe way to do it.
When to get help. If your teenager seems low for several weeks, withdraws, their schoolwork falls away or they start taking risks, talk to your GP and their school. If your teenager tells you they are frightened to go to one home, or that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
The week on the fridge
Your child’s week across two homes, drawn in colour together and put up at their eye level, so that they do not have to keep it all in their head.
About 30 min · Under 13 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
6 on separation and divorce
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to separation and divorce
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with separation and divorce, on a sheet of its own.
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A week across two homes
For the fridge · A4 landscape, two pages · With a subscription
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Telling the children
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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The hard days in the year
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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The people I can tell
To make together · A4, two pages · Free
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What to say: loss and change
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
22 on separation and divorce
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 4
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Parenting Apart Christina McGhee A calm, practical guide for separating parents, covering how to tell the children, what to expect at different ages, handovers, new partners, and keeping children out of adult conflict. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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The Truth About Children and Divorce Robert E. Emery
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Two Homes, One Childhood Robert E. Emery
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The Co-Parenting Handbook Karen Bonnell & Kristin Little
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 13
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Mum and Dad Glue Kes Gray · Ages 4 to 7 A boy sets out to buy glue to stick his parents back together, and learns that even if he cannot mend their marriage, their love for him is unbroken. Tender, funny and alert to a child’s wish to fix things. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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My Family’s Changing: A First Look at Divorce Pat Thomas · Ages 4 to 7
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Living with Mum and Living with Dad Melanie Walsh · Ages 2 to 4
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The Suitcase Kid Jacqueline Wilson · Ages 8 to 11
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Two Homes Claire Masurel · Ages 2 to 5
And eight more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 5
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YoungMinds
Divorce and separation
How separation can affect children and teenagers, how to tell them, things to avoid such as asking them to take sides, and extra guidance if the relationship was abusive.
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NSPCC
How to support children through a separation or divorce
When and how to tell children, what to say at different ages, keeping routines steady, and looking after yourself while you look after them.
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Place2Be
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce
Why co-parenting is hard, a worked example of a parenting charter, and the other things worth agreeing between homes so children are not caught in the middle.
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Cafcass
How an ‘Our Child’s Plan’ (formerly ‘Parenting Plan’) can help
Cafcass’s guide to writing a shared plan for your child’s care after separation, with tips from its Family Justice Young People’s Board on what children want parents to agree.
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Anna Freud
Parents and carers in conflict or separating
Explains how parental conflict, rather than separation itself, affects children, including being drawn into the middle, and offers strategies to lower the temperature at home.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
10 on separation and divorce
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 5
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
153: Encore: How Do We Help Kids Through Divorce?
Lisa Damour on how children process divorce at different ages, helping them feel secure and loved, shielding them from parental conflict, and making sure they understand the break-up was not their fault.
Also on this shelf
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The Divorce Podcast
A Child’s Right to Matter with Angharad Rudkin and Helen Adam
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Emerging Minds Families
Supporting children’s wellbeing during a separation or divorce
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
211: How Do I Parent with an Ex Who Doesn’t Share My Values?
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
248: Should Our Tween Dictate Our Post-Divorce Visitation Schedule?
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 5
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YouTube · 8 min
How do I help my child with difficult experiences such as divorce and separation?
Child Mind Institute, YouTube
How to tell children about a separation, what they need to hear, and how to support them through the changes that follow.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 4 min
Cafcass - Private Law Explainer Video
Cafcass, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
Understanding Family Mediation
Ministry of Justice, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
Co-parenting after a separation | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
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YouTube · 8 min
The impact of parental conflict on children
Anna Freud, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This is not, in the first instance, a medical problem, so the first calls are not medical. Tell the school, so the adults around your child are watching. Get the practical layer moving. See the GP if your child’s distress persists beyond the weeks around the change itself.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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A family mediator
Mediators help two parents reach their own arrangements about children and money, without going to court. In most cases you have to attend a first meeting about mediation before a court will hear you.
Early, and before positions harden. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area.
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Citizens Advice
Free, independent advice on the practical layer: housing, benefits, debt, employment, and your rights when a family separates.
When the worry is partly a practical problem wearing an emotional coat. Solving the practical part often lowers the temperature at home more than anything else will.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For separation and divorce
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Cafcass (for separating parents)
The official body that advises the family courts about children. A free parenting plan you can fill in together, plain factsheets on what happens if you go to court, and a course on parenting apart.
Early, before positions harden. The parenting plan is worth doing whether or not a court is ever involved.
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Coram Family Lives
A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.
When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.
Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
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Resolution
The body for family lawyers and mediators who sign up to a non-confrontational code. Free guides on separating with children, and a directory to find a member near you.
When you need a lawyer or mediator and want one committed to keeping the temperature down. The guides are free; the professionals are not.
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Relate (part of Family Action)
Relationship, family and young people’s counselling, online or at a local centre, with a short first call to see whether it fits.
When the trouble is between the adults and the children are catching it. Fees apply; local centres are separate charities.
Every organisation for separation and divorce, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist