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Separation and divorce

Separation and divorce

When parents separate, the family reorganises, and it’s still a family. These pages cover the week you tell the children, life across two homes, a new partner and the years that follow. They’re for the time after the decision has been made, and the slow process of helping your child through it.

What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/separation-divorce

What to do first

Children do not, in the research or in our consulting room, come to harm from separation itself. They come to harm from being in the middle of a conflict they cannot leave. Keeping them out of that conflict is your whole job this year.

  1. Tell them together if you possibly can, in plain words, and answer the three things they’re really asking: this isn’t your fault, you’re not losing either of us, and here’s what happens next week.
  2. Keep one routine exactly the same in both homes. Bedtime makes the most difference.
  3. Tell the school this week, so the adults around your child are keeping an eye out. Then say nothing to the children about the argument between the adults, however unfair that feels.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Both homes, one calendar. Both parents keep one calendar up to date, and your teenager adds their own plans to it. Once a term, each of you asks them how the arrangements are working.

What it is for. Teenagers living across two homes often say they want a say in the arrangements, and don’t want to be the go-between. A calendar the adults keep accurate, which your teenager can see and add to, gives them a voice without putting them in the middle.

  • The first step. Agree between the adults which calendar you will use and who updates what. Do this without your teenager.

Safety. Where there has been domestic abuse, or an address needs to stay private, don’t use a shared calendar or location sharing that could show where your teenager or you are. You don’t have to agree changes with the other parent directly; get advice on a safe way to do it.

When to get help. If your teenager seems low for several weeks, withdraws, their schoolwork falls away or they start taking risks, talk to your GP and their school. If your teenager tells you they are frightened to go to one home, or that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Who else can help

This is not, in the first instance, a medical problem, so the first calls are not medical. Tell the school, so the adults around your child are watching. Get the practical layer moving. See the GP if your child’s distress persists beyond the weeks around the change itself.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • A family mediator. Mediators help two parents reach their own arrangements about children and money, without going to court. In most cases you have to attend a first meeting about mediation before a court will hear you. Early, and before positions harden. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area. www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk
  • Cafcass (for separating parents). The official body that advises the family courts about children. A free parenting plan you can fill in together, plain factsheets on what happens if you go to court, and a course on parenting apart. Early, before positions harden. The parenting plan is worth doing whether or not a court is ever involved. www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member
  • Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
  • Resolution. The body for family lawyers and mediators who sign up to a non-confrontational code. Free guides on separating with children, and a directory to find a member near you. When you need a lawyer or mediator and want one committed to keeping the temperature down. The guides are free; the professionals are not. resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help

The full list for separation and divorce, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/separation-divorce/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.