The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
Urgent help

When a family changes

Bereavement

Where the chair is.

These pages are about the death of a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a friend or a much-loved pet. Children grieve more things, and more often, than adults give them credit for, and their grief comes in waves with pauses in between. The pages are also for the parent who, in most cases, is grieving too.

What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.

What the library holds on bereavement

For a child aged

From the therapists

What to do first

Children grieve in short bursts. They’ll be devastated and then ask what’s for tea, and that’s normal; it doesn’t mean they don’t care. You don’t have to fix anything.

  1. Use the real words: “died”, not “lost” or “gone to sleep”. Euphemisms are what frighten young children most.
  2. Answer only the question you’re asked, and be willing to answer it again next week, and the week after. Going over it again and again is how a child takes it in.
  3. Tell the school before your child goes back, so nobody asks them a cheery question in the corridor on Monday morning.

If you are worried about a child’s safety

Safeguarding: what to do and who to tellUrgent help

Chapters

2 on bereavement

The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.

Quick tips

12 on bereavement

Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.

Family transitions

Answering a Grieving Child’s Questions

A grieving child’s questions often come out of nowhere; answer them briefly, in your everyday voice.

Try this

  • Answer briefly, in your everyday voice.

From the tip

If you’d like someone to talk to, there’s a helpline for bereaved children and young people, and for the adults caring for them. Child Bereavement UK (incorporating Winston’s Wish), 0800 02 888 40. Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, except bank holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.

Big feelings

The Grandparent Who Was a Third Parent

The grandmother who did the school run was part of the parenting.

Try this

  • Name exactly what has been lost: the Tuesday pickup, the strawberry yoghurt.

From the tip

Two organisations cover this, and the first has particularly strong material on the death of older family members. Cruse Bereavement Support, 0808 808 1677. Mon, Wed, Thu, Fri 9.30am-5pm; Tue 1pm-8pm. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.

The second is the UK’s children’s bereavement charity. Child Bereavement UK (incorporating Winston’s Wish), 0800 02 888 40. Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, except bank holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.

Big feelings

The Pregnancy That Did Not Continue

A child who was told a baby was coming grieves too, so acknowledge their grief openly.

Try this

  • Acknowledge your child’s grief openly: “We’re very sad. It’s okay to be sad too.”

More quick tips on bereavement

  • Big feelings

    The Things Children Grieve

    Children grieve more things, and more often, than adults give them credit for.

    2 min read

  • Big feelings

    When the Cat Dies

    For many children, a pet’s death is their first significant bereavement, and the grief is real.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 11

  • Big feelings

    The Long Shadow of Losing a Parent

    A child who loses a parent will feel the loss in new ways across the next ten years.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 16

  • Big feelings

    The Sibling Who Has Died

    Your child has lost a brother or sister and become the only child in the house.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 13

  • Family dynamics

    When the Placement Ends

    A placement ending is a real loss for carer and child, and it doesn’t always end the relationship.

    2 min read

  • Family dynamics

    When the Grandparent Becomes Ill

    The grandparent who looked after the children now needs looking after.

    2 min read

  • Health and difference

    The Conversation With the Children About Your Illness

    Fit what you tell the children to their age, and expect to come back to it over weeks.

    1 min read · Ages 5 to 18

  • Health and difference

    The Day Your Diagnosis Came

    After a serious diagnosis, let the children know something is happening; the full conversation can wait a few days.

    1 min read · Ages 5 to 16

  • Health and difference

    The Weeks That the Treatment Takes

    During a parent’s long treatment, accept practical help, keep one family ritual and lower the bar on everything else.

    1 min read · Ages 5 to 16

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Things to do together

2 on bereavement

Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.

To do together · An afternoon to start

A box for the memories

After a death, make a box together for things that remind your child of the person, and a page of what they remember. Your child chooses what goes in, and the box is theirs.

What it is for. Finding ways to remember someone who has died can help a child feel connected to that person. The box gives the child’s memories a place, and something they can go back to when they want to.

  1. The first step In the weeks after the death, offer it once: “Would you like to make a box for things that remind you of Granny?” If your child says no, leave it, and offer again another time.

Safety. Put a copy of a precious photograph in the box, and keep the original somewhere safe. Leave medicines, blades, lighters and glass bottles out of the box, whatever your child’s age. A little of the person’s perfume on a scarf keeps the smell without the bottle. If there’s a child under three in the house, keep small objects such as rings in a tin with a firm lid.

When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. Do the same if your child talks, even in passing, about wanting to join the person who has died, and don’t wait to be certain. Grief often comes in waves. Let your child’s school know about the death in any case, and talk to the school and your GP if, weeks on, your child can’t manage day to day, has been refusing school for a long time, or is very anxious or panicky.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

More to do together

  • To do together

    Marking the ending

    In the last weeks at a school, offer your child a few pages for what they will miss, and perhaps a card for a teacher. It is up to your child, and they keep what they make.

    About 30 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print

8 on bereavement

Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.

To print and keep

The guide to bereavement

What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.

See the sheet

Who else can help with bereavement, on a sheet of its own.

Every sheet to print

Books and reading

35 on bereavement

Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.

For you 6

  • Cover of A Child’s Grief by Winston’s Wish
     A Child’s Grief Winston’s Wish Written by the bereavement charity Winston’s Wish, now part of Child Bereavement UK, for any adult supporting a child after a death: how to explain what has happened, what grief looks like, and activities to try.

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of Grief in Children by Atle Dyregrov
     Grief in Children Atle Dyregrov
  • Cover of Grief Works by Julia Samuel
     Grief Works Julia Samuel
  • Cover of With the End in Mind by Kathryn Mannix
     With the End in Mind Kathryn Mannix
  • Cover of You Are Not Alone by Cariad Lloyd
     You Are Not Alone Cariad Lloyd

And one more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read with your child 24

  • Cover of A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness, from an idea by Siobhan Dowd
     A Monster Calls Patrick Ness, from an idea by Siobhan Dowd · Ages 11 to 16 Conor’s mum is dying, and a monster arrives to make him face the truth he cannot say. Illustrated by Jim Kay, it is one of the finest novels about grief before a death. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley
     Badger’s Parting Gifts Susan Varley · Ages 4 to 7
  • Cover of Grandad’s Island by Benji Davies
     Grandad’s Island Benji Davies · Ages 3 to 6
  • Cover of Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb
     Missing Mummy Rebecca Cobb · Ages 3 to 6
  • Cover of Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine by Diana Crossley
     Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine Diana Crossley · Ages 5 to 9

And 19 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read online 5

  • NHS

    Children and bereavement

    Supporting a child before and after someone dies, keeping the person’s memory alive, making a memory box, and remembering to look after yourself.

  • Child Bereavement UK

    A teenage guide to coping when someone dies

    Written for grieving teenagers: the range of feelings they might have and what tends to help. A page a parent can pass on rather than explain.

  • Child Bereavement UK

    Explaining to a child that someone has died by suicide

    For a family bereaved by suicide: telling a child in words they can hold, answering their questions truthfully over time, and the help Child Bereavement UK offers by phone, chat and message.

  • Child Bereavement UK

    Children’s understanding of death at different ages

    Age by age, from toddlers to teenagers, what children understand about death and how grief may show up in their behaviour.

  • Child Bereavement UK

    Explaining to a child that someone has died

    Answers the questions parents dread: who should tell a child, when and where, what words to use, how much to say about how someone died, and whether to show your own grief.

Podcasts and films

17 on bereavement

Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.

Podcasts 8

  • Child Bereavement UK

    Grief In Common

    Child Bereavement UK’s podcast in which bereaved young people talk openly about losing a parent or sibling, grief at school and university, anniversaries, and how grief changes over time.

    Apple Podcasts

Also on this shelf

  • Grief In Common

    How to talk about grief – advice from a Bereavement Support Worker | S2 03

  • Grief Works

    Teenage Grief: Losing Dad with Cariad Lloyd

  • Thriving Kids

    How to Talk to Kids About Death and Grief

  • Winston’s Wish

    Episode 5: How to support bereaved children in school

And three more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Films 9

  • YouTube

    Child Bereavement UK

    Child Bereavement UK, YouTube

    A library of short, practical guidance films on explaining death, funerals and grief to children of different ages, and on supporting grieving teenagers.

Also on this shelf

  • YouTube · 5 min

    Children’s understanding of death at different ages

    Child Bereavement UK, YouTube

  • YouTube · 4 min

    Explaining to a child that someone has died

    Child Bereavement UK, YouTube

  • YouTube · 6 min

    Guide for Families: How to tell Children that Someone has Died

    Department of Psychiatry, University of Oxford, YouTube

  • YouTube · 5 min

    When a parent dies: Supporting your children | Child Bereavement UK

    Child Bereavement UK, YouTube

And four more. Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Who else can help

Grief is not an illness, and most grieving children need the people around them more than any treatment. Tell the school, so the adults who see your child every day know what has happened. See the GP if, weeks on, your child still cannot manage ordinary days. If they talk about hurting themselves, about wanting to die, or about wanting to be with the person who has died, act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”.

Where to start

  • Your child’s school

    The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.

    Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

  • Your GP

    The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.

    Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.

    www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

  • Private therapy, if you can meet the cost

    A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.

    When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.

    theparentbook.com/finding-a-therapist

For bereavement

  • Child Bereavement UK (incorporating Winston’s Wish)

    The UK’s children’s bereavement charity, now including Winston’s Wish. A free helpline, live chat and WhatsApp, and bookable calls with a bereavement specialist, for grieving children and young people up to twenty-five and for families where a child has died.

    As early as you like after a death, and again later if the grief resurfaces. They will also know what exists near you.

    Child Bereavement UK helpline 0800 02 888 40 · Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, except bank holidays · Live chat and email via the website; WhatsApp or text 07418 341800 · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.

    www.childbereavementuk.org/Pages/Category/child-bereavement-uk-support-services

  • Grief Encounter

    A children’s bereavement charity based in London, with a free weekday helpline and email, and counselling, workshops and family days from its own centres.

    When you want a London service that can see your child in person, or a second voice alongside Child Bereavement UK.

    grieftalk helpline 0808 802 0111 · Mon-Fri 9am-5pm · Email bereavementsupport@griefencounter.org.uk

    www.griefencounter.org.uk

  • Cruse Bereavement Support

    The UK’s bereavement charity, with a free helpline, local branches and staff trained in complex loss, including bereavement by suicide.

    When you are grieving alongside your child and need support of your own, or when the loss is one the rest of the family is finding hard to speak about.

    Cruse Bereavement Support National Helpline 0808 808 1677 · Mon, Wed, Thu, Fri 9.30am-5pm; Tue 1pm-8pm · Email and web form; local branches for one-to-one and group support; Hope Again (hopeagain.org.uk) for young people · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.

    www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline

  • NHS: mental health advice for parents and carers

    The NHS’s pages for parents, in one place: anxiety, low mood, anger, bereavement, arguments with teenagers, exam stress, and how to talk about feelings.

    When you want the NHS’s own account before anyone else’s.

    www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents

Every organisation for bereavement, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist