The chapter to start with
When a Parent Is Seriously Ill
For parents whose own serious illness, or the other parent’s, has changed life at home.
31 min read · Under 19
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
When a family changes
Serious illness in the family
This is for families in which a parent, or another adult the children are close to, has a serious illness: cancer, a stroke, a heart condition, multiple sclerosis or motor neurone disease. It covers what to tell the children and when, treatment and hospital visits, the child who has started caring for a parent, what to tell the school, and what to say if treatment can no longer cure.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on serious illness in the family
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
Children often know that something is wrong before anyone tells them, and a child left to work it out alone tends to fill the gaps, sometimes by deciding it is their fault. You don’t need all the answers to begin. A few true sentences, and the promise that someone will always look after them, make a good first conversation.
- Tonight, or as soon as you can, tell your child one true thing in plain words: that something is happening, that it isn’t their fault and, where it’s true, that they can’t catch it. Use the name of the illness as soon as you are ready.
- This week, write down who will look after your child on hospital days, who does the school run and who is home at bedtime, and show your child.
- Tell the school: the class teacher or form tutor and the school nurse, with the words you have used at home, so that the adults who see your child every day know what is happening.
Chapters
1 on serious illness in the family
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
7 on serious illness in the family
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Health and difference
Before Your Child Visits a Parent in Hospital
Check with the ward, ask your child whether they want to visit, and tell them what they’ll see.
Try this
- Ask your child whether they want to visit, and check with the ward and the parent in hospital.
From the tip
If the upset lasts, with problems sleeping, eating or at school, talk to the GP or the school.
Health and difference
The Teenager Who Looks Everything Up
A teenager may look the illness up whatever you say, so give them the real information first and offer to look together.
Try this
- Tell your teenager the real information first, including what nobody knows yet.
From the tip
If your teenager has a question you can’t answer, offer to take it to the specialist nurse or the doctor.
It helps a teenager to have someone outside the family to talk to as well. Hope Support Services, a UK charity, offers online support to young people of five to twenty-five when someone they love has a serious illness, and young people can refer themselves. It is not a helpline: its support starts with a form on its website. Your teenager can also talk to someone in confidence. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.
If your teenager’s low mood has lasted most days for two weeks or more, or you are worried about how they are, see the GP. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.
Health and difference
When a Parent Is Not Expected to Live
Use the words “die” and “dying”, say it in parts, and let your child choose how involved to be.
Try this
- When the doctors say the time is short, tell your child, using the words “die” and “dying”.
- Let your child choose whether to visit and say goodbye, and tell the school.
From the tip
A child may say they want to go with their parent, or to die too. Treat it as talk of not wanting to be alive, even if you are not sure what your child meant. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. Your child can also talk to someone themselves. Childline, 0800 1111. For anyone under 19 in the UK. There is a one-to-one chat online at https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. Help is free and available at any hour.
More quick tips on serious illness in the family
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Health and difference
When Treatment Changes How You Look
Tell your child about a change in how you will look before it happens, and that you are still the same person.
2 min read · Under 18
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Health and difference
Helping Your Child Answer Questions About You
Other children will ask about your disability or illness, and your child will need words ready to answer.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family dynamics
When the Grandparent Becomes Ill
The grandparent who looked after the children now needs looking after.
2 min read
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Health and difference
When Your Child Notices Their Family Is Different
Around eight, your child will notice that their family is different from their friends’ families, so be ready for it.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 11
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
1 on serious illness in the family
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 10 min
A notebook for the questions
A notebook of your child’s own for the questions about a parent’s illness that are hard to ask out loud. You look in it every evening and answer the next day.
What it is for. Children often have fears about a parent’s illness that they don’t mention, and some stop asking questions to protect the adults. A notebook of their own gives your child a way to ask without having to say it out loud, and gives you a night to think about the answer.
- The first step Write the first page yourself, before you give the notebook to your child: that they can write or draw any question in it, about the illness or anything else, and that you will look every evening and answer the next day, in writing or face to face, whichever they prefer.
- Step 2 When you give it to your child, tell them two more things. If something is frightening them, or they feel unsafe, they should tell you or another adult straight away, and not only write it down. And if something they write makes you worried about their safety, you will need to get help, and you will tell them what you are doing.
Safety. Keep the notebook away from brothers, sisters and visitors unless your child wants to share it, but never promise that what is in it will stay secret: if it is about your child’s safety, or anyone else’s, act on it that day. Keep medical details your child hasn’t asked about out of your answers.
When to get help. If your child’s low mood has lasted most days for two weeks or more, if worry or problems with eating, sleeping or school do not settle, or if you are worried about how they are, talk to their GP and their school. A child may write or say that they want to go with their parent, or to die too. Treat it as talk of not wanting to be alive, even if you are not sure what your child meant. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using those routes; if the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A child protection helpline, listed under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, will talk it through with you. If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well.
The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
1 on serious illness in the family
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to serious illness in the family
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with serious illness in the family, on a sheet of its own.
Books and reading
8 on serious illness in the family
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 3
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Listen Kathryn Mannix Kathryn Mannix on how to have tender conversations with people in distress, including children, using curiosity, silence and good questions. Useful before telling a child difficult news or hearing their worries. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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With the End in Mind Kathryn Mannix
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How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness Kathleen McCue
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 2
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I Have a Question about Cancer: Clear Answers for All Kids, including Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder or other Special Needs Arlen Grad Gaines and Meredith Englander Polsky · Ages 5 to 10 Plain questions and answers, illustrated with symbols, for any child whose parent or relative has cancer, including autistic children and those with other additional needs. It suits a child who takes things in best when they are set out simply and in order, and has guidance for the adults.
Also on this shelf
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A Monster Calls Patrick Ness, from an idea by Siobhan Dowd · Ages 11 to 16
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 3
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Marie Curie
Supporting a child or teenager when someone has a terminal illness
Marie Curie on telling a child that someone has a terminal illness, hospital and hospice visits, and preparing a child or teenager for the death. For the time when treatment can no longer cure.
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Macmillan Cancer Support
Talking to children and teenagers
Macmillan’s guide for parents after a cancer diagnosis: why telling children usually helps, how to prepare and what to say, and how children and teenagers may react. The place to start when an adult in the family has cancer.
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NSPCC
Supporting your child as a young carer
For families where a child helps care for a parent or sibling: how to talk about it, how to involve the school, and a young carer’s right to an assessment from the council.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
2 on serious illness in the family
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 1
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Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators
Episode 195 - Dr Cassie Rhodes Talks with Professor Louise Dalton: Talking to Children and Teens about Serious Illness
Oxford researcher Louise Dalton explains why being open and honest with children about a parent’s or relative’s serious illness protects their mental health, and how to begin those conversations, with advice for schools.
Films 1
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YouTube · 3 min
What Is A Young Carer | A Short Film By Young Carers
Carers Trust, YouTube
Made by young carers themselves: what caring for a parent or sibling involves, how it feels, and why being recognised as a young carer opens the door to support.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This usually starts at school, which sees your child every day; the council is the route to a young carer’s needs assessment, and to a carer’s assessment for the adult at home; the GP is there if your child’s distress lasts or deepens; and Citizens Advice can help with benefits, work and money.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your local authority
The council’s children’s services and SEND team. They hold statutory assessment, the Local Offer, and early help for families who need more than a school can give. In England it must also arrange a young carer’s needs assessment if your child or you ask for one, and a carer’s assessment for an adult who gives regular care.
When school-level support has been tried and is not enough, or when you want to know what your area actually provides.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
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Citizens Advice
Free, independent advice on the practical layer: housing, benefits, debt, employment, and your rights when a family separates.
When the worry is partly a practical problem wearing an emotional coat. Solving the practical part often lowers the temperature at home more than anything else will.
For serious illness in the family
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Macmillan Cancer Support
The clearest UK guide to telling children about a parent’s cancer, age by age, and a free daily support line with nurses on the same number.
When a diagnosis has arrived and you are rehearsing how to say it.
Macmillan Support Line 0808 808 00 00 · Every day 8am-8pm · Online chat every day 8am-7.45pm; email through the online form, answered within two working days; the advisers on the line include cancer information specialist nurses · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
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The Children’s Society Young Carers Service
The Children’s Society’s young carers programme, with a finder for the young carers’ service in your area.
When your child has taken on caring for someone at home; the young carers’ project nearest you is the thing to find.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.
Include (Children’s Society Young Carers) 01962 711 511 · Mon-Fri 9am-5pm · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.childrenssociety.org.uk/information/young-people/young-carers
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Hope Support Services
Free one-to-one support for your child, aged five to twenty-five, by video or audio call, messaging or email, while someone they love has a serious illness; you refer them on Hope’s website, where a young person can also refer themselves.
Once your child knows about the diagnosis and is finding it hard, at any point from then on, though it is not a 24-hour service.
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Carers UK
The UK’s carers’ charity. A free weekday helpline and email advice on benefits, carers’ assessments, work and local services.
When you are caring for a partner, parent or child alongside everything else and need to know what you are entitled to.
Carers UK Helpline 0808 808 7777 · Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, including bank holidays · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
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Child Bereavement UK (incorporating Winston’s Wish)
The UK’s children’s bereavement charity, now including Winston’s Wish. A free helpline, live chat and WhatsApp, and bookable calls with a bereavement specialist, for grieving children and young people up to twenty-five and for families where a child has died.
As early as you like after a death, and again later if the grief resurfaces. They will also know what exists near you.
Child Bereavement UK helpline 0800 02 888 40 · Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, except bank holidays · Live chat and email via the website; WhatsApp or text 07418 341800 · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.childbereavementuk.org/Pages/Category/child-bereavement-uk-support-services
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Marie Curie
You can talk to Marie Curie free, by phone, web chat or email, about anything to do with a terminal illness, and read its guide to helping a child or teenager when someone close to them is dying.
When someone in your family has a terminal illness, or has died, and you want to talk through what is happening, or what to tell the children, with someone at Marie Curie.
Marie Curie Support Line 0800 090 2309 · Mon-Fri 8am-6pm; weekends 10am-4pm · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
Every organisation for serious illness in the family, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist