The chapter to start with
When Parents Separate
For parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping.
13 min read · Ages 8 to 18
When a family changes
Co-parenting
These pages are about raising a child with another adult: a partner, a former partner or a step-parent, sometimes across two cultures. They’re for the small disagreements that turn into big ones, and for the stability a child needs from both of you.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on co-parenting
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
You don’t have to like each other, or agree, to co-parent well, but you do have to be predictable. Children can manage two different households. What they struggle with is two households at war.
- Take the logistics off your child. Use a shared calendar or a written handover message, so they’re never the one passing information between you.
- Pick the two rules that will be the same in both homes, and let the rest differ. Trying to match everything is how co-parenting fails.
- When you’re stuck, take it to a mediator or a solicitor, not to your child. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area.
Chapters
1 on co-parenting
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
10 on co-parenting
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Family transitions
Telling the Children About the Separation
A child usually remembers the second conversation about a separation, when they ask what’s been on their mind.
Try this
- Have the conversation together, in one room, calmly and briefly.
Family transitions
The Diary Across Two Houses
A child living between two homes has a lot to keep track of, so give them a shared diary.
Try this
- Print a colour-coded week on the fridge at your child’s eye level.
Family transitions
The Handover at the Door
Keep the handover at the door short and factual, and have the adult conversations somewhere else.
Try this
- Keep the doorway exchange to the practical facts and goodbye.
More quick tips on co-parenting
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Family transitions
The Handover Cancelled at Six
Don’t rush to fill the evening when the other parent cancels a handover at the last minute.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family transitions
The Rules That Vary Across Homes
If the bedtime is different at the other parent’s, your child will be alright.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
Two Birthdays, Two Christmases
Agree the year’s special days with the other parent in advance, so your child is never the one who has to choose.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
When the Other Parent Does Not Ring
If the other parent misses a promised call, it falls to you to help your child through the evening.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
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Family transitions
When Your Child Does Not Want to Go
Find out what’s behind it before you decide anything, and if it’s about your child’s safety, act on it that day.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
Your Child’s Side of the Handover
The moments either side of a handover are easier when your child’s things are already in both homes, the goodbye is predictable, and no questions are asked the minute they walk in.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 13
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Family transitions
When the Step-Parent Acts as Parent
If it grates when your new partner disciplines your child, sort it out between the adults.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 16
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
2 on co-parenting
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 20 min
Both homes, one calendar
Both parents keep one calendar up to date, and your teenager adds their own plans to it. Once a term, each of you asks them how the arrangements are working.
What it is for. Teenagers living across two homes often say they want a say in the arrangements, and don’t want to be the go-between. A calendar the adults keep accurate, which your teenager can see and add to, gives them a voice without putting them in the middle.
- The first step Agree between the adults which calendar you will use and who updates what. Do this without your teenager.
Safety. Where there has been domestic abuse, or an address needs to stay private, don’t use a shared calendar or location sharing that could show where your teenager or you are. You don’t have to agree changes with the other parent directly; get advice on a safe way to do it.
When to get help. If your teenager seems low for several weeks, withdraws, their schoolwork falls away or they start taking risks, talk to your GP and their school. If your teenager tells you they are frightened to go to one home, or that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
The week on the fridge
Your child’s week across two homes, drawn in colour together and put up at their eye level, so that they do not have to keep it all in their head.
About 30 min · Under 13 · With a sheet to print
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
4 on co-parenting
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to co-parenting
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with co-parenting, on a sheet of its own.
Books and reading
12 on co-parenting
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 5
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Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships Patricia L. Papernow A psychologist who has studied stepfamilies for decades names the predictable challenges, such as insider and outsider positions and competing loyalties, and what research says helps. Readable for parents, not only therapists. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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Two Homes, One Childhood Robert E. Emery
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The Co-Parenting Handbook Karen Bonnell & Kristin Little
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Parenting Apart Christina McGhee
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Difficult Conversations Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 2
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Living with Mum and Living with Dad Melanie Walsh · Ages 2 to 4 A lift-the-flap book showing a small girl’s two homes side by side: two beds, two sets of toys, one cat at Mum’s and a garden at Dad’s. Concrete and cheerful for toddlers learning two routines. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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Two Homes Claire Masurel · Ages 2 to 5
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 5
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Cafcass
Communicating with your child’s other parent after a separation
Practical rules for talking to an ex about the children: keep it brief and business-like, manage disagreements, and watch the language children overhear.
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Place2Be
Co-parenting after a separation or divorce
Why co-parenting is hard, a worked example of a parenting charter, and the other things worth agreeing between homes so children are not caught in the middle.
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Cafcass
How an ‘Our Child’s Plan’ (formerly ‘Parenting Plan’) can help
Cafcass’s guide to writing a shared plan for your child’s care after separation, with tips from its Family Justice Young People’s Board on what children want parents to agree.
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NSPCC
How to support children through a separation or divorce
When and how to tell children, what to say at different ages, keeping routines steady, and looking after yourself while you look after them.
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Anna Freud
Parents and carers in conflict or separating
Explains how parental conflict, rather than separation itself, affects children, including being drawn into the middle, and offers strategies to lower the temperature at home.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
8 on co-parenting
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 3
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
211: How Do I Parent with an Ex Who Doesn’t Share My Values?
Damour and Ninan take a parent’s question about co-parenting with an ex whose rules and values differ sharply, and how to protect children who move between two very different households.
Also on this shelf
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
248: Should Our Tween Dictate Our Post-Divorce Visitation Schedule?
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The Divorce Podcast
A Child’s Right to Matter with Angharad Rudkin and Helen Adam
Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 5
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YouTube · 2 min
Co-parenting after a separation | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
Short advice on co-parenting after separation: keeping children out of the middle, consistent routines across homes, and talking about the other parent with respect.
Also on this shelf
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YouTube · 4 min
Cafcass - Private Law Explainer Video
Cafcass, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
How does arguing in front of children affect them?
OnePlusOne, YouTube
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YouTube · 2 min
Understanding Family Mediation
Ministry of Justice, YouTube
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YouTube · 8 min
The impact of parental conflict on children
Anna Freud, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
The route that helps most here is usually the one that lowers the conflict, not the one that treats the child. Mediation first.
Where to start
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A family mediator
Mediators help two parents reach their own arrangements about children and money, without going to court. In most cases you have to attend a first meeting about mediation before a court will hear you.
Early, and before positions harden. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area.
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Citizens Advice
Free, independent advice on the practical layer: housing, benefits, debt, employment, and your rights when a family separates.
When the worry is partly a practical problem wearing an emotional coat. Solving the practical part often lowers the temperature at home more than anything else will.
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Private therapy, if you can meet the cost
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For co-parenting
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Cafcass (for separating parents)
The official body that advises the family courts about children. A free parenting plan you can fill in together, plain factsheets on what happens if you go to court, and a course on parenting apart.
Early, before positions harden. The parenting plan is worth doing whether or not a court is ever involved.
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Resolution
The body for family lawyers and mediators who sign up to a non-confrontational code. Free guides on separating with children, and a directory to find a member near you.
When you need a lawyer or mediator and want one committed to keeping the temperature down. The guides are free; the professionals are not.
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Coram Family Lives
A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers.
When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it.
Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
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Gingerbread
The charity for single parents. Clear written guidance on money, housing, separation and co-parenting, and free membership of local and online groups.
For the practical layer of parenting on your own. There is no longer anyone to ring; the information pages are the offer.
The advice service closed on 1 April 2025. No helpline or webchat.
Every organisation for co-parenting, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist