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When a family changes
For families raising a child who can’t live with their birth parents, through adoption, special guardianship, kinship care or fostering. These pages cover what a hard start can mean, telling a child their story, staying in touch with birth family, school, and the support you can ask for.
What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.
What the library holds on adoption, fostering and kinship care
From the therapists
Most adopted children, and most children who leave care to live with a special guardian, do not come back into care, and a lot of the hardest behaviour makes sense once you know what came before. Asking for support is a normal part of raising a child who has had a hard start, and in England an adoptive family has a right to an assessment of what it needs.
1 on adoption, fostering and kinship care
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
The chapter to start with
For parents and carers whose child came to them through adoption, special guardianship, kinship care or fostering.
27 min read · Under 18
Read the chapter Your first chapter is free to read in full.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
9 on adoption, fostering and kinship care
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Parent wellbeing
In England and Wales an adoptive family can ask the council to assess its support needs, and the council must do it.
Try this
From the tip
For relatives and friends raising a child, with or without a court order, there is a specialist advice service. Kinship, 0300 123 7015. Mon-Fri 10.30am-1pm, excluding public holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Councils in England must publish a kinship local offer setting out what support they give.
School & pressure
Tell a new school what it needs to know to help your child; it rarely needs the details of their past.
Try this
From the tip
In England, state schools must have a designated teacher for children who are in care or who left care through adoption, special guardianship or a child arrangements order. Independent schools don’t have that duty, but the government’s safeguarding guidance says a suitably trained teacher should take the lead in schools without one, so ask who that is. Ask, too, for one named person to deal with, an adult your child can go to, and somewhere to go when it gets too much.
Family dynamics
A child may be anxious before contact with birth family and unsettled after it; telling them what will happen, and keeping the next day predictable, helps with both.
Try this
From the tip
If you think someone is hurting your child, or your child tells you so, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day. If the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A national child protection helpline will talk it through with you. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
More quick tips on adoption, fostering and kinship care
Online life
If a birth relative messages your child, stay calm, ask your child what was said, and get help before anyone replies.
2 min read · Ages 9 to 18
Family dynamics
Assignments like the family tree can be hard for adopted children, and most schools will adapt them if asked.
2 min read · Ages 5 to 11
Family dynamics
When a fostered child asks about their past, take the question seriously and ask their social worker about it together.
2 min read · Ages 7 to 13
Family dynamics
A fostered child’s first 72 hours with you are for learning that your home is calm and predictable.
2 min read
Family dynamics
When your child asks about their birth parents at seven, what helps is a short, honest answer.
2 min read · Under 9
Family dynamics
A placement ending is a real loss for carer and child, and it doesn’t always end the relationship.
2 min read
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
1 on adoption, fostering and kinship care
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 20 min
Every few weeks, offer to get out the life story book or the photographs, and let your child lead, so they know questions about their past are always welcome.
What it is for. Openness about a child’s birth family and early life is good for adopted children, and children in care or in special guardianship should have information about their history that they can come back to at their own pace. A regular, unhurried time when the book comes out, and your child decides what to look at and what to ask, tells them the subject is welcome without making them talk about it. It does not replace life story work, which is a job for a trained social worker or therapist.
Safety. Keep the originals of precious photographs and documents somewhere safe, and let your child handle copies. If your child is in care, agree with their social worker what you can show and say before you start.
When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page; if the person hurting your child lives in your home or your child’s other home, go straight to children’s social care or the police. A child protection helpline, listed under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, will talk it through with you. If your child tells you about harm from before your child came to you, write down what your child said and tell your child’s social worker, your support team or children’s social care that day. If your child has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, stay calm, thank them if they have told you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day: help them ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child is badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. If questions about the past bring distress that lasts for weeks, or your child’s behaviour changes, talk to the GP as well as your support team, and ask what further support you can have.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
1 on adoption, fostering and kinship care
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with adoption, fostering and kinship care, on a sheet of its own.
17 on adoption, fostering and kinship care
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
Also on this shelf
And six more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Also on this shelf
Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Kinship
The kinship care charity explains the different arrangements under which grandparents, other relatives and friends raise a child, from informal care and kinship fostering to special guardianship and child arrangements orders. Useful for a carer, or a school, trying to work out where a family stands.
Anna Freud
Anna Freud’s page for every kind of carer raising a child who cannot live with their birth parents: the loss every such child has had, how early experiences can affect development, and why understanding them helps you notice difficulties if they come. It says plainly that extra difficulties are not inevitable, and leads on to the centre’s pages on trauma and memory.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Start with the council or regional adoption agency, or, if you foster, your child’s social worker, because they open the way to most other support; then the school, which sees your child every day; then the GP, if your child’s mental health is suffering; and last, private therapy, for families who can pay and can’t wait.
Where to start
In England and Wales the council must assess an adoptive family’s need for adoption support if asked. In England, special guardians whose child was in care just before the order are entitled to an assessment too, the assessment is the way into the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund, and councils must publish a kinship local offer.
Before a crisis if you can. Ask in writing, say what is hard and for how long, and ask to see the written report. If you foster, your child’s social worker, or your supervising social worker, is the first call instead.
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
A registered counsellor or psychotherapist, found through the BACP or NCPS directories. Waiting lists are shorter than the NHS and you choose who your child sits with.
When waiting is the problem, or when you want a particular kind of help. What to look for, and what to expect, is set out in our guide to finding a therapist.
For adoption, fostering and kinship care
Free advice from Kinship’s specialist team, by phone or in an appointment you book, and peer groups across England and Wales, if you are a grandparent, relative or family friend raising a child.
For the legal, financial, school and emotional layers of raising a child who is not your own by birth.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.
Kinship Advice Line 0300 123 7015 · Mon-Fri 10.30am-1pm, excluding public holidays · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
kinship.org.uk/support-and-advice/talk-to-someone/contact-the-kinship-advice-team
The peer-led charity for adoptive and kinship families. A weekday advice line, peer support and resources on school and on adopted teenagers.
For the everyday texture of adoptive family life, and the school assignments and questions that catch families out.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.
Adoption UK Information and Support Line 0300 666 0006 · Mon-Fri 10am-2.30pm; Northern Ireland Mon-Fri 9am-5pm; excluding public holidays · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
The UK’s fostering charity, with a Fosterline in each nation, open to anyone, free to call in England and Wales and charged at your standard call rate in Scotland and Northern Ireland, and a library on settling a placement, handling a child’s history and endings.
At any point in a placement, from the first seventy-two hours onward.
Foster carers who are members can also use a 24-hour legal helpline.
Fosterline (England) and The Fostering Network advice lines 0800 040 7675 · England Mon-Fri 9am-5pm; Scotland Mon-Fri 10am-4pm; Wales Mon-Fri 9.30am-12.30pm; Northern Ireland Mon-Fri 9.30am-1.30pm; closed bank holidays · Outside those hours the line is closed. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. If it is about a child in your care and cannot wait, call your fostering service’s out-of-hours number or, if you have none, the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/for-carers/get-advice/the-fostering-network-advice-lines
Specialist post-adoption support, part of Family Action. An advice line staffed by adoption specialists and social workers, and a route into trauma-informed therapy.
When peer support is no longer enough and the family needs clinical help, including a teenager searching for birth family.
Charged at your standard call rate, not free.
PAC-UK Advice Line, part of Family Action 0300 1800 090 · Mon-Wed 10am-4pm; Thu 10am-7pm; Fri 10am-1pm; closed bank holidays · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258.
family-action.org.uk/get-support/pac-uk-adoption-and-special-guardianship-support
The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment.
When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline.
Free support for parents experiencing child to parent abuse: one-to-one help where it is funded, a parents’ group and a six-week online programme.
When your child, of any age, is hurting, threatening or controlling you at home and you want support from people who understand child to parent abuse.
Every organisation for adoption, fostering and kinship care, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist
