Behaviour

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• The Meltdown in Public. In the middle of it your child can’t listen, so the next ten minutes are for getting them safe and calm, and the talking comes later.
  • Get your child somewhere safe with fewer people, stay close, and say very little.
  • If they’re getting more frequent or worse, or your child hurts themselves or someone else, talk to your health visitor or GP, and take the notes with you.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-meltdown-in-public
• When the Rules Stop Working at Fifteen. At fifteen, most of what you know about your teenager’s life is what they choose to tell you, so keep a few rules and let the rest go.
  • Keep a few rules you’ll stick to, and let the minor issues go.
  • If your teenager hits or threatens anyone at home, leave the room, and call the police if you need to.
  • Research on teenagers has found that most of what parents know about their child’s life comes from what the child chooses to tell them, and that teenagers tell more when home feels warm. So when your teenager tells you something you don’t like, keep your first reply short and even. Any consequence can wait until tomorrow, when you are both calm; only something that puts them in danger needs acting on tonight. In a row, say you will talk later and leave the room. Don’t threaten anything you won’t do.
  • Violence is different. If your teenager hits, pushes or threatens you or anyone else at home, you don’t have to put up with it. Don’t use force yourself. Leave the room, and if that doesn’t make everyone safe, don’t wait. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour. Many parents hold back for fear of getting their child into trouble; keeping everyone safe comes first. Talk to the school and your GP as well. A national parenting helpline takes calls about teenagers’ behaviour, including aggression at home. Coram Family Lives, 0808 800 2222. Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Help is free.
  • If your teenager’s behaviour has changed suddenly, ask yourself whether something is happening to them, such as bullying, low mood, or someone older grooming or exploiting them. If you suspect grooming or exploitation, act that day: a national child protection helpline will talk it through with you and tell you whether it needs to go further. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-the-rules-stop-working-at-fifteen
• When You Find a Vape. Most teenagers don’t vape, and most who have tried were given their first one, usually by a friend.
  • Ask how often your child vapes and where they get them, before you decide anything.
  • If they want to stop, talk to the GP, a pharmacist or the school nurse.
  • The GP, a pharmacist or the school nurse can help; some nicotine replacement products are licensed from age 12 for young people dependent on vaping.
  • If your child is selling vapes, or someone older is giving them vapes, money or a phone, someone may be exploiting them, and exploited children are victims first. Don’t confront the people involved yourself. Act that day: a national child protection helpline will talk it through with you and tell you whether it needs to go further. NSPCC, 0808 800 5000. Email help@nspcc.org.uk. Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. Help is free.
  • A vape from a friend, social media or an unofficial seller may not contain what it claims: the government has warned that so-called THC vapes, sold as cannabis, often contain dangerous synthetic cannabinoids, known as spice.
  • If your child collapses, or is very drowsy or hard to wake, confused, struggling to breathe or having a fit after using a vape, call an ambulance first. Call 999. Help is free and available at any hour.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-you-find-a-vape

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Solving it together. When nobody is upset, pick one problem that keeps causing rows, hear your child’s side of it first, then say yours, and work out a plan you can both keep.

What it is for. A problem that keeps coming back, such as getting up for school or the phone at night, is usually one your child finds hard for a reason. Talking it through when nobody is upset, starting with their view, often finds a plan that holds better than a rule made in the middle of a row.

• The first step. Pick one problem that keeps coming back, and describe it without blame: “I’ve noticed that getting up for school has been hard lately. What’s up?”

When to get help. If rows are getting more frequent or turning violent, or your child’s behaviour has changed suddenly, talk to their school and your GP. If what your child tells you about their side suggests that someone is hurting, frightening or pressuring them, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child goes missing, if they or anyone at home is in danger, or if your child talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, act straight away, using the same routes.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• The Child Who Saves It All for Home. A chapter for parents whose child is fine at school and furious at home. theparentbook.com/reader/the-child-who-saves-it-all-for-home
• Big Feelings and Co-Regulation. For parents whose child has just had a meltdown, on how to help them through it. theparentbook.com/reader/big-feelings-and-co-regulation

Worth your time

• A book for you: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, Alan E. Kazdin with Carlo Rotella. From the Yale Parenting Center, a structured programme built on decades of trials: praise the behaviour you want, practise it in play, use points charts and keep consequences mild and brief.
• A book to read together: Hands Are Not for Hitting, Martine Agassi. A sturdy board book for toddlers who hit, showing all the things hands can do instead, such as waving, hugging and building. Short enough to read in the moment and repeat often. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/hands-are-not-for-hitting-martine-agassi/09b2db4e36d0faa6
• Something to watch: How to handle toddler tantrums, NSPCC, YouTube. NSPCC advice on why toddlers have tantrums, how to stay calm yourself, and simple ways to prevent and ride out the hardest moments without shouting or smacking. www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT1cm7Eiv2I
• Something to listen to: Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled, Janet Lansbury. Janet Lansbury answers listeners’ letters about toddlers and young children: hitting, bedtime, separation, a new sibling. Her calm, respectful approach helps parents hold limits without anger or long explanations. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk
• Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline

The full list for behaviour, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/behaviour/services