Identity
Identity
These pages are about who your child is becoming, and who they’re being asked to be: race, faith, sexuality, gender, growing up as a third-culture kid, an adopted child’s questions about their birth family, and the young teenager redrawing their sense of themselves. We go carefully and don’t rush to an answer.
What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/identity
What to do first
If your child has told you they’re working out who they are, they have paid you a big compliment. Before you agree or disagree with anything, your child needs to see that telling you hasn’t cost them anything.
- Respond to your child trusting you before you respond to what they said: “Thank you for telling me. I love you and nothing about that has changed.”
- Ask questions, make fewer statements, and be willing not to understand yet.
- Take your own reaction, whatever it is, to another adult, not to your child. There’s nothing wrong with finding this hard, but they shouldn’t have to manage it.
Some tips to try
Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.
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Faith in a Household Where Parents Differ.
If you and your partner differ on faith, tell your child openly, in words that suit their age.
- Tell your child about the difference openly, in words that suit their age.
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Growing Up Between Two Cultures.
A child growing up between two cultures learns two ways of doing things, and both are theirs.
- Acknowledge both ways of doing things without ranking them: “We do it like this here. They do it like that at school.”
- Use BAATN’s directory to find a counsellor who shares your cultural reference points.
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When the Family Tree Project Comes Home.
Assignments like the family tree can be hard for adopted children, and most schools will adapt them if asked.
- Email the teacher calmly; most adjust once they know.
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Something to do together
You go to their thing. Your child chooses a film, a book, a song or a game they care about. You watch it, read it or play it, and ask one curious question.
What it is for. A teenager working out who they are often does it through the things they love. Going to those things on their terms, with no laughing and no correcting, shows them they can work things out at home.
- The first step. Ask once: “Choose me something that matters to you, a film, a book, a song or a game, and I’ll watch it, read it or play it.”
Safety. Check the age rating first; if your child’s choice is well beyond their age, ask kindly for another. If it is an online game, play beside your child; this is not the evening to look through their messages.
When to get help. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child’s mood has been flat, and they have been withdrawing, for several weeks, talk to your GP.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
If you want to read further
- When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it. theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-working-out-who-they-are
Worth your time
- A book for you: Quiet, Susan Cain. Not a parenting book, but its chapter on raising quiet children is excellent, helping parents see introversion as a temperament to respect rather than shyness to fix. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/quiet-the-power-of-introverts-in-a-world-that-can-t-stop-talking-susan-cain/3b5d2e5485e8fca7
- A book to read together: And Tango Makes Three, Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell. The true story of two male penguins at New York’s Central Park Zoo who hatch and raise a chick together. A gentle, factual book about a family with two dads. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/and-tango-makes-three-justin-richardson/01a816a5d623a862
- Something to watch: The power of introverts, Susan Cain, TED. Susan Cain makes the case for quieter temperaments in a culture that prizes the outgoing, useful for parents of reserved children who are being nudged to be louder. www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts
- Something to listen to: Rebecca Duffus & Lyric Rivera on Supporting Kids Autistic Identity Development, Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children, 41 min. The authors of the Autism, Identity and Me workbook discuss helping autistic children understand their diagnosis and build a positive sense of who they are, and how parents and teachers can support that. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/rebecca-duffus-lyric-rivera-on-supporting-kids-autistic/id1102055778?i=1000738307245
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
- Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
- Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
- YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
- The Black, African and Asian Therapy Network (BAATN). The largest UK directory of therapists of Black, African, Asian and Caribbean heritage, searchable by area and specialism. When it matters that the therapist understands your family’s cultural reference points without being taught them. A directory; BAATN does not provide the therapy itself. www.baatn.org.uk/find-a-psych-therapist
The full list for identity, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/identity/services
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.