A letter they don’t have to answer

The activity

If your teenager may be working out who they are, a short letter can tell them what is hard to say face to face: that you love them, and that they don’t have to reply.

What it is for. Some teenagers take in something important more easily when nobody is watching their face. A letter that asks for nothing lets them know where you stand before they have decided whether to tell you anything.

• The first step. Write it when you are calm. Keep it short, a few lines or half a page, in your own words.

Safety. What they tell you about who they are is theirs to share, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting them, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be alive, don’t promise to keep it secret. Say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.

When to get help. If they seem low, withdrawn or anxious for weeks, or are being bullied, talk to your GP and their school. If they tell you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they don’t want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, don’t promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If you think someone older is grooming them, online or off, act that day, using the same routes. If the person hurting them lives in your home, go straight to children’s social care or the police.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

• When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
• When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

• Sexuality. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
• Gender identity. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.