The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
Urgent help

Friendships and bullying

Friendships

Two paper boats.

A child’s friendships run alongside their family life and shape them as much as anything you do at home. These pages cover losing a best friend, a group that has changed, the child with no one to sit next to, and the social media side of all of it. They’re for the parent watching from the sidelines.

What to do first, what helps and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.

What the library holds on friendships

For a child aged

From the therapists

What to do first

Friendship trouble is a big deal to a child, and it doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong with them. Groups reshuffle, and it hurts when they do.

  1. Listen without trying to fix it, and don’t criticise the other child, however tempted you are. Your child will repeat what you say, at school, on Monday.
  2. Make time outside school with one child they are already comfortable with: a walk, a swim, an hour at the park. It is for keeping a friendship going, not for making one, and one person is enough.
  3. Tell your child’s form tutor what you’ve heard. Schools can change where a child sits, and often that’s all it takes.

If you are worried about a child’s safety

Safeguarding: what to do and who to tellUrgent help

From the chapters

What helps

  1. Listen first, advise second

    Sit down, and don’t argue with the feeling: “That sounds really hard. Tell me what happened.” Let them finish before you offer a single suggestion.

  2. Make home a secure base

    Children with a stable home are very good, in time, at finding friends they fit with. Time you put into home life helps them socially too.

Chapters

4 on friendships

The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.

Quick tips

17 on friendships

Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.

Friendships & social life

No One to Sit With at Lunch

A lonely child generally seems fine, which is why loneliness is so easy to miss.

Try this

  • Ask yourself whether any child has sought yours out this week.

Friendships & social life

Not Invited to the Party

A party for four and a whole class minus one mean different things, so find out which it was, and let your child be sad before you try to fix it.

Try this

  • Find out how many children were asked before you decide what it means.
  • Have one friend round soon, and tell your child’s teacher if they’re left out on purpose again and again.

Friendships & social life

The Friend of the First Fortnight

Many September friendships loosen by half-term, and usually neither child has done anything wrong.

Try this

  • Help your child find one club, team or activity by half-term, chosen by them.

More quick tips on friendships

  • Friendships & social life

    The Group Chat Your Child Is Not In

    Being left out of a group chat hurts; take it seriously, and send no messages tonight.

    2 min read · Ages 9 to 16

  • Friendships & social life

    The Relationship You Do Not Approve Of

    Your teenager has chosen someone you wouldn’t have chosen for them.

    2 min read · Ages 13 to 18

  • Friendships & social life

    When the Best Friend Drifts

    When a best friendship slowly fades, it’s usually part of growing up, and it helps to say you’ve noticed.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 11

  • Friendships & social life

    When Your Child Says Nobody Likes Them

    Don’t argue with “nobody”; ask what happened today, then keep an eye on the next few weeks.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 11

  • Friendships & social life

    A First Heartbreak

    A first heartbreak is real grief, so take it seriously.

    2 min read · Ages 13 to 18

  • Friendships & social life

    Left Out on Purpose, Again

    Whether it’s a falling-out or bullying decides what you do next, so find out which before you act.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 11

  • Friendships & social life

    The Party Your Child Cannot Walk Into

    Your child’s stomach ache is real, and pushing them through party after party makes the next one harder.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 13

  • Family dynamics

    The Party Your Child Needs to Leave

    Some children run out of social energy long before the party ends, and going home is how they recover.

    2 min read · Ages 5 to 13

  • Friendships & social life

    When Your Child Wants to Be Someone Else

    Trying out new tastes and opinions is how a child starts to work out who they are.

    2 min read · Ages 11 to 18

  • Online life

    A First Phone, and the Class Group Chat

    Before your child joins the class group chat, tell them they will never be in trouble for showing you something that upset them.

    2 min read · Ages 9 to 13

  • Friendships & social life

    Alcohol and the First Parties

    Talk about drink before the first party, so your teenager knows your rules and that they can always ring you.

    2 min read · Ages 13 to 18

  • Friendships & social life

    Hiding Behind Your Legs

    Many young children take a while to warm up; stay close, let your child answer in their own way, and don’t call them shy.

    2 min read · Under 7

  • Online life

    The Room Your Child Will Not Leave

    Time on a headset is often time with friends, so start by asking about it.

    2 min read · Ages 9 to 13

  • Friendships & social life

    Your Child Has Just Told You About the Bullying

    What you do in the first ten minutes decides whether your child tells you the next thing.

    2 min read · Ages 7 to 13

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Things to do together

5 on friendships

Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.

To do together · The length of a film

A film, and the conversation you do not force

Choose a film with some care, watch it side by side, and do not ask questions afterwards. If your child wants to talk, they will.

What it is for. Someone else’s friendship can be easier to think about than your child’s own. Watching a film side by side gives you a story in common, and they do not have to explain themselves.

  1. The first step Choose the film carefully. Read what the film is about, and check its age rating and the content advice that comes with it: a film about a death, a suicide or a child being bullied may help one child and be too close to home for another.

Safety. If it is streamed, watch in a shared room with autoplay off, so that nothing follows it.

When to get help. If the film opens something serious, and your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay with them, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If your child is still very sad about a friendship after several weeks, or it is affecting their sleep, eating or school, talk to their school and your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

More to do together

  • To do together

    Running the moment through

    On a calm day, you play the other child and your child tries out what they might say. Keep it short and light, and do it once or twice at most.

    About 10 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    When a friend comes round

    For a visit your child has asked for: one friend, one thing to do together, you within earshot, and a warm, clear ending.

    An afternoon · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print

  • To do together

    A plan for the party

    Agree a plan with your teenager before each party, including how they get home and what they do if things go wrong.

    About 15 min · Ages 13 to 18

  • To do together

    Marking the ending

    In the last weeks at a school, offer your child a few pages for what they will miss, and perhaps a card for a teacher. It is up to your child, and they keep what they make.

    About 30 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print

23 on friendships

Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.

To print and keep

The guide to friendships

What to do first, what helps, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.

See the sheet

Who else can help with friendships, on a sheet of its own.

Every sheet to print

Books and reading

53 on friendships

Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.

For you 11

  • Cover of Best Friends, Worst Enemies by Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace, with Lawrence J. Cohen
     Best Friends, Worst Enemies Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace, with Lawrence J. Cohen A wise tour of children’s friendships from nursery to adolescence, explaining popularity, cliques and teasing, and why parents usually help most as calm observers rather than fixers.

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of The Friendship Maze by Tanith Carey
     The Friendship Maze Tanith Carey
  • Cover of Growing Friendships by Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Christine McLaughlin
     Growing Friendships Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Christine McLaughlin
  • Cover of Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman
     Queen Bees and Wannabes Rosalind Wiseman
  • Cover of Kid Confidence by Eileen Kennedy-Moore
     Kid Confidence Eileen Kennedy-Moore

And six more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read with your child 39

  • Cover of Enemy Pie by Derek Munson
     Enemy Pie Derek Munson · Ages 5 to 8 A boy’s dad agrees to bake an “enemy pie” to get rid of the new kid, but there is a condition: he has to spend a whole day with him first. A funny story about how enemies can become friends. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of Real Friends by Shannon Hale
     Real Friends Shannon Hale · Ages 8 to 12
  • Cover of Frog and Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel
     Frog and Toad Are Friends Arnold Lobel · Ages 4 to 7
  • Cover of On Sudden Hill by Linda Sarah
     On Sudden Hill Linda Sarah · Ages 3 to 6
  • Cover of Find Your Girl Squad: Making and Keeping Friends Who Love You for YOU by Dr Angharad Rudkin and Ruth Fitzgerald
     Find Your Girl Squad: Making and Keeping Friends Who Love You for YOU Dr Angharad Rudkin and Ruth Fitzgerald · Ages 10 to 13

And 34 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read online 3

  • Place2Be

    My child has friendship issues

    Why falling out is a normal part of learning to be a friend, and how to coach a child through conflict without stepping in to fix it for them.

  • Place2Be

    My child is struggling with peer pressure

    Types of peer pressure, why it peaks in Years 5, 6 and early secondary, and how listening without judgement helps when a child has given in.

  • Place2Be

    Helping my child feel they belong

    Why belonging matters so much to children, why some find it harder at school or after a move, and small things parents can do to help a child feel they fit.

Podcasts and films

10 on friendships

Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.

Podcasts 6

Also on this shelf

  • Talking Sense with Dr Martha

    How To Help Children Build Friendships?

  • Speaking of Psychology

    How to help kids navigate friendship, with Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD

  • Dr Eileen Kennedy-Moore

    Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic: Friendship Advice for Kids (K-8)

  • MQ Open Mind

    The Teenage Brain Explained with Prof Sarah-Jayne Blakemore

And one more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Films 4

Also on this shelf

  • YouTube · 2 min

    How do I explain to my child what a healthy online relationship is?

    Childnet International, YouTube

  • YouTube · 2 min

    Toddlers NOT Sharing, janetlansbury.com

    Janet Lansbury, YouTube

  • YouTube · 2 min

    Shyness in children | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart

    Place2Be, YouTube

Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

Where to start

  • Your child’s school

    The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.

    Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

  • Your GP

    The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.

    Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.

    www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

For friendships

  • Place2Be

    Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines.

    For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools.

    parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk

  • YoungMinds

    The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.

    When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.

    Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.

    www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline

  • Coram Kidscape

    The UK’s anti-bullying charity. A free Parent Advice Line by phone, WhatsApp or email, staffed by people who know how schools work.

    When you have raised bullying with the school and it has not stopped, or you want help preparing for that conversation.

    Kidscape Parent Advice Line 0300 102 4481 · Mon-Tue 9.30am-2.30pm; reduced over the summer holidays. Voicemail, email and WhatsApp accepted outside hours · If a child is at risk of harm now, do not wait for a reply: call the police on 101, or 999 if anyone is in immediate danger.

    coramkidscape.org.uk/parent-advice-line

Every organisation for friendships, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist