The peer world that runs alongside the family one, and shapes a child as much as anything we do at home. Best-friend losses, the group that has shifted, the child without anyone to sit with, the social media layer underneath it. These pages are for the parent watching from the edge of the playground.
Friendship trouble is not a small thing to a child, and it is not a sign that anything has gone wrong in her. Groups reshuffle, and the reshuffle hurts.
Listen without fixing, and resist the urge to criticise the other child. She will repeat what you say, at school, on Monday.
Engineer one low-stakes contact outside school with someone she is comfortable with. One person is enough; she does not need a group.
Tell her form tutor what you have heard. Schools can seat a child differently, and often that is the whole solution.
What helps
Listen first, advise second.Sit down. Don’t dispute the feeling. “That sounds really hard. Tell me what happened.” Let them finish before offering a single suggestion. The witnessing is more useful than the strategy.
Build the home as a strong secure base.Children with a steady home are remarkably good at finding their people, in time. The investment in the home is the most reliable social investment a parent can make.
Some tips to try
Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.
No One to Sit With at Lunch.The lonely child does not present as lonely. She presents as fine.
Ask whether any child has, this week, sought her out.
Build the slow habitual contexts where friendship grows.
A “people I love” jar. A jar in the kitchen. Each week, the family writes one person they’re grateful for, with a specific reason. Read on Sundays. Quietly builds the habit of noticing what is good in other people.
Find a jar with a lid. A jam jar or kilner jar is perfect. Decorate it together if you like.
Place it somewhere visible in the kitchen with a small stack of slips and a pencil.
Each evening, or at least once a week, each family member writes one person they’re grateful for and one specific reason. “Aunty Sarah, because she remembered to text on Tuesday.” “James, because he let me share his snack.”
On Sunday evening (or at dinner once a week), read a few of the slips out loud together.
Something to watch: Place2Be YouTube Channel, Place2Be, YouTube.The Place2Be channel, primarily school-anchored and calibrated for the 5-to-11 age range, including the Parenting Smart short videos that mirror the articles we send parents to most often in the friendship and primary-years chapters.www.youtube.com/@_Place2Be
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Your child’s school.The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps.Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
Your GP.The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
Place2Be.School-based counselling charity. Their Parenting Smart articles are written by school-based counsellors and are my default for primary-age concerns.When the chapter is about primary-age (5-to-11) social or emotional concerns, particularly anything school-anchored. The Parenting Smart articles on friendship, behaviour and routines are the strongest sub-resource.parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
YoungMinds.The leading UK youth mental health charity. Their A-Z is the first place I send parents asking about a named concern.When a parent needs a clear, accessible primer on a specific emotional or mental health concern in their child or teen. Default first signpost for the 11-to-18 age range.Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.ukwww.youngminds.org.uk/parent
Coram Kidscape.The UK’s specialist anti-bullying charity. The right line for parents who have not been able to resolve a serious bullying picture through the school.When the chapter is about bullying specifically and the parent needs specialist help. The Parent Advice Line is one of the few specialist routes in the UK that holds this territory well. Phone, WhatsApp, and email; advice-line hours are limited so the parent may need to leave a message and be called back.The phone hours are short, but WhatsApp and email are answered outside them.Kidscape Parent Advice Line 0300 102 4481 · Mon-Tue 9.30am-2.30pm; voicemail, email and WhatsApp accepted outside hourswww.coramkidscape.org.uk
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.