The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
Urgent help

Friendships and bullying

Bullying

One, set apart.

This covers the harm done to a child at school, on a bus or in a group chat after lights out. These pages are for the parent who has just found out what’s happening, and for the longer process of helping a child get back on their feet without rushing them past what they have felt.

What to do first and who else can help are free to read and to print. So is the first chapter you open.

What the library holds on bullying

For a child aged

From the therapists

What to do first

If your child has told you they’re being bullied, they have already done the hardest part. Next, they need to see you calm and organised, not furious.

  1. Write down what your child has told you: what happened, when, where and who saw it. Do it while it’s fresh, and with your child if they’re willing.
  2. Do not contact the other child’s parents, and do not tell your child to hit back. Both usually make the next week worse.
  3. Raise it with the school in writing, ask what their anti-bullying policy commits them to, and ask for a date by which you’ll hear back.

If you are worried about a child’s safety

Safeguarding: what to do and who to tellUrgent help

Chapters

2 on bullying

The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.

  • Your Child’s Online WorldFor parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee. 14 min read
    Ages 8 to 18

Quick tips

5 on bullying

Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.

Friendships & social life

Left Out on Purpose, Again

Whether it’s a falling-out or bullying decides what you do next, so find out which before you act.

Try this

  • Ask who, where and how often before you decide what it is.
  • For bullying, keep a short diary and ask to see your child’s class teacher.

From the tip

If it’s bullying, keep a short diary of what happened and when, and ask to see your child’s class teacher. Every school should have a written anti-bullying policy, so ask to see it, and ask what the school will do and when you’ll hear back. If the school hasn’t been able to sort it out, the specialist anti-bullying charity has an advice line for parents. Coram Kidscape, 0300 102 4481. WhatsApp 07496 682785. Email pal@coramkidscape.org.uk. Mon-Tue 9.30am-2.30pm; reduced over the summer holidays. Voicemail, email and WhatsApp accepted outside hours. If a child is at risk of harm now, do not wait for a reply: call the police on 101, or 999 if anyone is in immediate danger. Help is free.

If they stay low, eat or sleep differently, or stop enjoying things they used to love, talk to your GP as well as the school.

Friendships & social life

When the Bullying Follows Your Child Home

Tell your teenager now, before anything happens, that you will never take their phone away because they told you something.

Try this

  • Tell your teenager now that you will never take their phone away because they told you something.

From the tip

There is one exception to keeping a record. If anyone has shared a nude or semi-nude picture of your teenager, or of anyone under 18, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it, or ask a child to send it to you. A screenshot is a copy. Get advice from the school’s safeguarding lead before deleting anything. If the picture is of your teenager, they can report it themselves to have it taken down. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/. If an adult is involved, or someone is threatening to share a picture of your child or asking for money, report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.

If your teenager seems low, stops eating or sleeping, or can’t face school, talk to your GP. If your teenager has hurt themselves, or talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.

If your child is in danger or badly hurt, or may have taken too much of a medicine, get help straight away, even if they seem well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.

Friendships & social life

When Your Child Is the One Doing the Bullying

Hear the facts first, then be clear with your child that it stops and that they’ll help put it right.

Try this

  • Hear the school’s whole account, and ask for its anti-bullying policy.

More quick tips on bullying

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Things to do together

2 on bullying

Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.

To do together · About 10 min

Running the moment through

On a calm day, you play the other child and your child tries out what they might say. Keep it short and light, and do it once or twice at most.

What it is for. Adults usually hand a worried child the words to say. Running the moment through lets the child find their own, without you stepping in for them.

  1. The first step Choose a calm time, and avoid the hour after school. The next morning or the weekend is often better.
  2. Step 3 If your child is being targeted (the same child or group, again and again, on purpose), stop there. The rehearsal is not the response: tell your child you are going to talk to the school, and what you will say, before you do it.

Safety. If it is happening in a group chat, rehearse nothing to send, and send nothing tonight. If it keeps happening, it goes to the school.

When to get help. If it sounds like bullying, contact your child’s class teacher or form tutor this week, saying what you have noticed rather than what you have concluded. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

More to do together

  • To do together

    The school day, drawn as a line

    Your child draws their day from gate to gate and marks where it feels heavy. You take the one moment they mark, not a conclusion, to the school.

    About 20 min · Ages 5 to 13 · With a sheet to print

8 on bullying

Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.

To print and keep

The guide to bullying

What to do first, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.

See the sheet

Who else can help with bullying, on a sheet of its own.

Every sheet to print

Books and reading

31 on bullying

Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.

For you 6

  • Cover of 8 Keys to End Bullying by Signe Whitson
     8 Keys to End Bullying Signe Whitson A compact guide from social worker Signe Whitson on spotting bullying, talking with a child who is being targeted, handling online cruelty and working constructively with the school.

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
     The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander Barbara Coloroso
  • Cover of Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons
     Odd Girl Out Rachel Simmons
  • Cover of Best Friends, Worst Enemies by Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace, with Lawrence J. Cohen
     Best Friends, Worst Enemies Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace, with Lawrence J. Cohen
  • Cover of The Friendship Maze by Tanith Carey
     The Friendship Maze Tanith Carey

And one more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read with your child 21

  • Cover of All the Things That Could Go Wrong by Stewart Foster
     All the Things That Could Go Wrong Stewart Foster · Ages 10 to 13 Alex has OCD and Dan is the boy who makes his life miserable; one summer they are made to build a raft together. Told in both voices, it shows the bully’s own troubles without excusing him. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission

Also on this shelf

  • Cover of The Boy Who Made Everyone Laugh by Helen Rutter
     The Boy Who Made Everyone Laugh Helen Rutter · Ages 9 to 12
  • Cover of Cloud Busting by Malorie Blackman
     Cloud Busting Malorie Blackman · Ages 9 to 12
  • Cover of The Song from Somewhere Else by A. F. Harrold
     The Song from Somewhere Else A. F. Harrold · Ages 9 to 12
  • Cover of How to Be a Lion by Ed Vere
     How to Be a Lion Ed Vere · Ages 3 to 7

And 16 more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

To read online 4

  • Coram Kidscape

    Helping your child with bullying

    Starts with the signs that a child may be being bullied, from changes in sleep and mood to distress after using their phone, then sets out what to do next.

  • Anti-Bullying Alliance

    How can I help my child if they are being bullied?

    Listen, reassure them that telling you was right, keep a diary of incidents, discourage retaliation, and involve your child in deciding how to approach the school.

  • Place2Be

    My child might have bullied someone

    For the parent who gets the call from school: staying calm, understanding what lies behind the behaviour, and helping a child take responsibility and repair things.

  • Coram Family Lives

    What to do about bullying at a private or independent school

    The complaints route when bullying happens at an independent school, which differs from the state sector: governors, escalation, and how inspection works.

Podcasts and films

4 on bullying

Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.

Podcasts 1

Films 3

Also on this shelf

  • YouTube · 2 min

    My child is being bullied. What can I do? | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart

    Place2Be, YouTube

  • YouTube · 4 min

    How to Talk to Teens About Cyberbullying | Child Mind Institute

    Child Mind Institute, YouTube

Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.

Who else can help

Tell the school first, in writing, and ask what they will do and by when. Ask for the designated safeguarding lead by name if you think your child is at risk.

Where to start

  • Your child’s school

    The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.

    Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.

  • The designated safeguarding lead at your child’s school

    Every school has one, by law. They are trained for exactly this conversation and they have the routes a parent does not.

    As soon as you have a concern about a child’s safety. Ask for them by role; you do not have to explain yourself to the office first.

  • Your GP

    The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.

    Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.

    www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

For bullying

  • Coram Kidscape

    The UK’s anti-bullying charity. A free Parent Advice Line by phone, WhatsApp or email, staffed by people who know how schools work.

    When you have raised bullying with the school and it has not stopped, or you want help preparing for that conversation.

    Kidscape Parent Advice Line 0300 102 4481 · Mon-Tue 9.30am-2.30pm; reduced over the summer holidays. Voicemail, email and WhatsApp accepted outside hours · If a child is at risk of harm now, do not wait for a reply: call the police on 101, or 999 if anyone is in immediate danger.

    coramkidscape.org.uk/parent-advice-line

  • Anti-Bullying Alliance

    Clear guidance on what counts as bullying, what a school in England must do about it, and how to raise it with them, from the body that sets the standard.

    Before the meeting with school, so you know what you are entitled to ask for. Information; Kidscape is the line to ring.

    anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-and-support/advice-parents-and-carers

  • NSPCC

    The NSPCC helpline is for adults worried about a child. You do not have to be sure, you can call anonymously, and they will tell you whether it needs to go further and help you take that step.

    When something has been said or seen and you do not know what to do with it. Childline, 0800 1111, is the line for a child to call themselves.

    NSPCC Helpline (for adults) 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.

    www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/nspcc-helpline

  • YoungMinds

    The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.

    When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.

    Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.

    www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline

Every organisation for bullying, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist