Where most modern friendships now live, alongside the playground. Group chats, follows, who is in and who is out, the comparison engine running in the background of an eleven-year-old’s evening. These pages are for the parent learning to be neither naive nor panicked about the layer of her child’s life she cannot see.
The feed is engineered by people whose job is to hold her attention, and she is thirteen. Losing to it is not a character flaw.
Sit next to her and ask her to scroll while you watch. Not to check up; to understand what she is actually seeing.
Together, unfollow the five accounts that make her feel worst. Curating is a skill, and she is more willing to learn it than to be banned.
Agree one time of day the phone is elsewhere. Overnight is the one that changes the most.
What helps
Devices out of bedrooms at night.The single biggest, most evidence-supported, most-often-skipped intervention. Charge devices in the kitchen overnight, including yours. Modelling matters as much as policy.
Screens off 45 to 60 minutes before bed.The brain needs to come down before it can sleep. Use the time for reading, bath, conversation. The transition is the point.
Some tips to try
Three short pieces from the library, and the part of each you can act on tonight.
The Feed Full of Diets and Bodies.For the parent who has just seen the daughter’s feed and recognised the problem.
Sit with her and reset the algorithm together, video by video.
Mark unwanted videos *not interested*; follow accounts in other registers.
Talk her through what the feed is doing. Teach the mechanic, not the moral.
A Lego challenge with a theme. Set a small theme, “the smallest dragon you can build”, and a 30-minute timer. The constraint makes it interesting; the time-bound makes it manageable; no screen required.
Pour a manageable amount of Lego onto a tray or rug. Not the whole collection, the volume can be overwhelming.
Set a theme together. “The smallest dragon.” “A house for a mouse.” “Something that travels.” “A vehicle with no wheels.” Constraints make creativity easier, not harder.
Set a 30-minute timer. The time-bound is part of what makes it work.
Build alongside them, with your own version of the same theme. The parallel play is part of the appeal.
If you want to read further
Screen Time.A chapter for parents who have lost the argument about hours, and suspect the argument was never quite the right one.theparentbook.com/reader/screen-time
Something to watch: Parenting in the Digital Age, Sonia Livingstone, TED.Professor Sonia Livingstone at the LSE is the most carefully reasoned UK voice on children and the internet. This talk argues that screen-time rules cause more conflict in the home than the screens themselves, and offers a calmer way to think about the digital lives the family already lives inside.www.ted.com/talks/sonia_livingstone_parenting_in_the_digital_age
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
Your child’s school.The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the fastest route to a change that helps.Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
Your GP.The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
Internet Matters.The UK’s leading not-for-profit on children’s online safety. Co-founded by BT, Sky and other major UK ISPs. Their parent guides on AI tools, algorithmic feeds, and platform-specific settings are the cleanest practical primer we know.When a parent needs concrete handles on AI tools, social media platforms, gaming, screen time, or device controls. Their age-banded guides are particularly useful for parents new to a category.www.internetmatters.org
5Rights Foundation.UK-founded NGO working on children’s rights in the digital environment. Their Children and AI Design Code and policy work on companion chatbots is the most carefully reasoned UK source we know on the clinical risks of new AI categories.When a parent wants to understand the policy and design context behind a worry about AI chatbots, algorithmic feeds, or platform manipulation. Less for individual-handle advice; more for understanding the landscape.5rightsfoundation.com
UK Safer Internet Centre.The UK’s hub for online-safety guidance, run by a partnership of three charities. Their parent-facing pages on age-banded online safety are clear, calm and current.When the chapter is about the everyday textures of online life, age-by-age platform guidance, or the parent who wants a UK-anchored, evidence-based primer that is not pitched at the crisis end. The Professionals Online Safety Helpline is open to parents and is, in my experience, a particularly useful line for situations that are serious but not criminal.Call cost depends on your phone package, so it may not be free.Mon-Fri 10am-4pm, email onlysaferinternet.org.uk
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.