The chapter to start with
Screen Time
For parents who have lost the argument about screen hours, and suspect it was never quite the right argument to have.
8 min read · Ages 4 to 18
Screens and online life
Social media
Most friendships now happen on social media as well as in the playground. These pages cover group chats, follows, who’s in and who’s out, and the constant comparison going on in the background of an eleven-year-old’s evening. They’re for you if you’re trying to be neither naive nor panicked about the part of your child’s life you can’t see.
What to do first, what helps and who else can help are free to read and to print.
What the library holds on social media
For a child aged
From the therapists
What to do first
The feed is designed by people whose job is to keep a child’s attention, and your child is thirteen. If they can’t put it down, that isn’t a flaw in their character.
- Sit next to your child and ask them to scroll while you watch. You’re there to understand what they’re actually seeing, not to check up on them.
- Together, unfollow the five accounts that make your child feel worst. Choosing what they see is a skill, and they’ll be more willing to learn it than to be banned.
- Agree one time of day when the phone is somewhere else. Overnight is the one that changes things most.
From the chapters
What helps
Keep devices out of bedrooms at night
Charge devices in the kitchen overnight, including yours. What you do counts as much as the rule you set.
Turn screens off 45 to 60 minutes before bed
The brain needs to wind down before it can sleep. Use the time for reading, a bath or talking together.
Chapters
4 on social media
The long reads, each on one situation, written by a therapist.
- What Screen Time Actually IsFor parents who feel they have lost the argument about screens. 13 min read
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Your Child’s Online WorldFor parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee.
14 min read
Ages 8 to 18 -
Body ImageFor parents who want their child to grow up comfortable in their own body.
15 min read
Ages 8 to 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Quick tips
6 on social media
Short pieces for the moment in front of you, each with things to try.
Online life
A First Phone, and the Class Group Chat
Before your child joins the class group chat, tell them they will never be in trouble for showing you something that upset them.
Try this
- Set the phone up together, including who can contact them and add them to groups.
From the tip
If anyone sends your child a nude or semi-nude picture, tell your child not to pass it on. Never ask them to send it to you, and never view, copy, print, share, store or save it; a screenshot is a copy. Don’t delete anything until you have advice from the school’s safeguarding lead. If a picture of your child has been shared, tell them it is not their fault; they can report it themselves to have it taken down. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/. If an adult sent it, or anyone is pressuring your child to send pictures, report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.
Online life
Before You Post Your Child’s Picture
Keep pictures of your child to people you know, and once they’re old enough to have a view, ask them first.
Try this
- Share pictures of your child with people you know, not publicly.
From the tip
Some parents now worry about AI tools that can alter ordinary photos. The advice from the National Crime Agency and the Internet Watch Foundation is to keep pictures of children to people you know and to use privacy settings, not to stop sharing altogether. If a picture of your child has been altered or misused, don’t go looking for it, don’t pass it on, and don’t delete anything until you have had advice. If it has been made sexual, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it; a screenshot is a copy. Report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/. If it is on a website, you can also report it to have it taken down. Internet Watch Foundation. Report at https://www.iwf.org.uk/en/uk-report/.
Online life
The Feed Full of Diets and Bodies
If your child’s feed is full of diets and bodies, reset it with them and explain how it works.
Try this
- Sit down with your child and reset the algorithm together, video by video.
More quick tips on social media
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Online life
The Friends the Algorithm Chose
The platform chooses what’s in your child’s feed to keep them watching, and it can leave them feeling flat.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
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Online life
When Your Son Repeats What Influencers Say About Women
Being curious without blame can help your son see you as someone to talk to, so ask what he likes about them first.
2 min read · Ages 11 to 16
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Online life
When the AI Becomes Your Child’s Confidant
If your child confides in a chatbot, tell them what it is and keep them talking to real people.
1 min read · Ages 11 to 18
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Things to do together
2 on social media
Small, repeatable things to do with your child, with what to watch for and when to get help.
To do together · About 10 min
Show me three things
Once a week your child shows you three things: the funniest they have seen, the weirdest, and one they think you should see. You watch without comment.
What it is for. In our experience, what is on your child’s screen matters more than how long they spend on it. A weekly look, on their terms, lets you be curious without checking up on them, and makes you someone they might tell if something goes wrong.
- The first step Ask once, casually: “On Sundays, show me three things: the funniest thing you’ve seen this week, the weirdest, and one you think I should see.”
- Step 3 Watch each one to the end without comment: no verdict, no warning, no joke at its expense. Then thank your child for showing you. If one is a sexual image of anyone under eighteen, stop watching straight away, and see when to get help, below.
- Step 4 If something worries you, try not to let it show. Most worries about content can wait until another day, when you can raise them in passing. A sexual image of anyone under eighteen, sexual or violent content your child is too young for, anything about self-harm or suicide, and anything suggesting that someone is contacting or hurting them cannot; talk to your child calmly that evening.
Safety. Most social media services are for thirteen and over. Every phone charges outside the bedrooms overnight, the adults’ included.
When to get help. If you learn of an adult contacting your child, anyone asking them for pictures or personal details, or a sexual image of a child, stay calm, do not blame your child, and leave everything as it is (do not reply, look further, copy, forward or delete). Act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, and tell the school’s designated safeguarding lead. If what your child is shown keeps turning to bodies, food or self-harm, or their mood or eating changes, talk to their school and your GP.
The other step, and your part in it, are in the library.
More to do together
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To do together
Where the phones sleep
Every phone in the house charges overnight in one place outside the bedrooms, on a rule agreed with your teenager. Yours goes there first.
About 10 min · Ages 11 to 18
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
To print
7 on social media
Made to be printed, kept, and handed on.
To print and keep
The guide to social media
What to do first, what helps, a few things to try and who else can help, together in one guide. Free to print and keep, or to hand to the other parent, a grandparent or the school.
Who else can help with social media, on a sheet of its own.
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Our screen plan
To fill in together · A4 · With a subscription
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Our first phone
To fill in together · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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Their online world
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · With a subscription
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What my body can do
Cards to fill in · A4, two pages: four cards, and a page for you · With a subscription
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At our table
For the grown-ups · A4, two sides · With a subscription
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What to say: growing up
Cards to cut out · A4, eight cards to cut · With a subscription
Books and reading
18 on social media
Chosen by the therapists who write the library: books for you and to read with your child, and pages from organisations we trust.
For you 9
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Behind Their Screens Emily Weinstein and Carrie James Two Harvard researchers draw on thousands of teenagers’ own accounts to explain the pressures adults tend to miss, from the obligation to reply to sexting and group-chat cruelty, and how to talk about them. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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It’s Complicated danah boyd
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Growing Up in Public Devorah Heitner
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The Anxious Generation Jonathan Haidt
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Beauty Sick Renee Engeln
And four more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read with your child 6
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Social Media Survival Guide Holly Bathie · Ages 11 to 14 An Usborne guide to starting out on social media safely and kindly, covering privacy, filters, fake news, online pressure and when to step away. A good companion to a first phone. Affiliate link: we earn a small commission
Also on this shelf
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Clicks: How to Be Your Best Self Online Natasha Devon · Ages 11 to 14
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The Teenage Guide to Life Online Nicola Morgan · Ages 11 to 16
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#Goldilocks Jeanne Willis · Ages 4 to 7
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Staying Safe Online Louie Stowell · Ages 9 to 13
And one more. Every book on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
To read online 3
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NSPCC
Helping children stay safe on social media
The benefits and risks of the platforms children use, how to review privacy settings together, and what to do when a child sees something harmful.
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Place2Be
My child wants a mobile phone
Thinking through the first-phone decision: readiness, agreeing rules before the phone arrives, and keeping talking once it does.
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YoungMinds
Social media
How to talk to your child about life online, set realistic boundaries, and respond to sexting and bullying calmly, with frank advice on consent and pressure.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Podcasts and films
12 on social media
Podcast episodes, talks and films, each chosen for a reason.
Podcasts 7
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Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life
152: Will Social Media Harm My Kid?
What age is right for social media, and practical ways to limit the harm, from the research and from clinical practice.
Also on this shelf
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Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators
Episode 192 - Dr Kathy Weston and Dr Elly Hanson Share Thoughts on Netflix’s Adolescence
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Prof Pete Etchells and Prof Andy Przybylski
Screen Sense: Parenting in a Digital World
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Thriving Kids
What the Research Really Says About Kids, Phones, and Mental Health
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Speaking of Psychology
Social media, looksmaxxing, and why men struggle with body image, with Roberto Olivardia, PhD
And two more. Every episode on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Films 5
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YouTube · 36 min
How digital technologies affect adolescent psychological well-being and mental health - Dr Amy Orben
Dr Amy Orben, YouTube
Cambridge psychologist Amy Orben sets out what the research does and does not show about screens and adolescent mental health, and why ‘screen time’ is too blunt a measure.
Also on this shelf
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TED · 12 min
What we’re getting wrong about teens and tech
Prof Candice Odgers, TED
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YouTube · 2 min
Safe social media for primary aged children | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart
Place2Be, YouTube
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YouTube · 6 min
Social Media and Self-Esteem - Body Image | Depression | Mental Health | Child Mind Institute
Child Mind Institute, YouTube
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YouTube · 4 min
How to Talk to Teens About Cyberbullying | Child Mind Institute
Child Mind Institute, YouTube
Every film on the shelf, with a therapist’s note on what it is good for, is in the library.
Nothing on this shelf is written for that age yet.
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
Where to start
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Your child’s school
The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school.
Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
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Your GP
The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent.
Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly.
For social media
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Internet Matters
Step-by-step guides to the settings on every device and app, advice by age from nought to eighteen, and guides to AI tools and gaming.
When you need to actually change something on a phone tonight. The most practical online safety source in the UK.
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Childnet
Guides to having the conversation, by age, on gaming, sharing images, online bullying and where the line is, from one of the charities behind the UK Safer Internet Centre.
When the settings are done and the talking is the hard part.
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Report Harmful Content
Help getting something taken down when you have reported it to the platform and nothing has happened: bullying, threats, impersonation, content about self-harm.
After the in-app report has failed. They reply within three days.
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YoungMinds
The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about.
When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line.
Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not.
Every organisation for social media, and when each is the right call Finding a therapist