Social media
Social media
Most friendships now happen on social media as well as in the playground. These pages cover group chats, follows, who’s in and who’s out, and the constant comparison going on in the background of an eleven-year-old’s evening. They’re for you if you’re trying to be neither naive nor panicked about the part of your child’s life you can’t see.
What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/social-media
What to do first
The feed is designed by people whose job is to keep a child’s attention, and your child is thirteen. If they can’t put it down, that isn’t a flaw in their character.
- Sit next to your child and ask them to scroll while you watch. You’re there to understand what they’re actually seeing, not to check up on them.
- Together, unfollow the five accounts that make your child feel worst. Choosing what they see is a skill, and they’ll be more willing to learn it than to be banned.
- Agree one time of day when the phone is somewhere else. Overnight is the one that changes things most.
What helps
- Keep devices out of bedrooms at night. Charge devices in the kitchen overnight, including yours. What you do counts as much as the rule you set.
- Turn screens off 45 to 60 minutes before bed. The brain needs to wind down before it can sleep. Use the time for reading, a bath or talking together.
Some tips to try
Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.
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A First Phone, and the Class Group Chat.
Before your child joins the class group chat, tell them they will never be in trouble for showing you something that upset them.
- Set the phone up together, including who can contact them and add them to groups.
- If anyone sends your child a nude or semi-nude picture, tell your child not to pass it on. Never ask them to send it to you, and never view, copy, print, share, store or save it; a screenshot is a copy. Don’t delete anything until you have advice from the school’s safeguarding lead. If a picture of your child has been shared, tell them it is not their fault; they can report it themselves to have it taken down. Report Remove (from Childline and the IWF). Online at https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/. If an adult sent it, or anyone is pressuring your child to send pictures, report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/.
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Before You Post Your Child’s Picture.
Keep pictures of your child to people you know, and once they’re old enough to have a view, ask them first.
- Share pictures of your child with people you know, not publicly.
- Some parents now worry about AI tools that can alter ordinary photos. The advice from the National Crime Agency and the Internet Watch Foundation is to keep pictures of children to people you know and to use privacy settings, not to stop sharing altogether. If a picture of your child has been altered or misused, don’t go looking for it, don’t pass it on, and don’t delete anything until you have had advice. If it has been made sexual, never view, copy, print, share, store or save it; a screenshot is a copy. Report it to the police. CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). Report at https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/. If it is on a website, you can also report it to have it taken down. Internet Watch Foundation. Report at https://www.iwf.org.uk/en/uk-report/.
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The Feed Full of Diets and Bodies.
If your child’s feed is full of diets and bodies, reset it with them and explain how it works.
- Sit down with your child and reset the algorithm together, video by video.
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Something to do together
Show me three things. Once a week your child shows you three things: the funniest they have seen, the weirdest, and one they think you should see. You watch without comment.
What it is for. In our experience, what is on your child’s screen matters more than how long they spend on it. A weekly look, on their terms, lets you be curious without checking up on them, and makes you someone they might tell if something goes wrong.
- The first step. Ask once, casually: “On Sundays, show me three things: the funniest thing you’ve seen this week, the weirdest, and one you think I should see.”
- Watch each one to the end without comment: no verdict, no warning, no joke at its expense. Then thank your child for showing you. If one is a sexual image of anyone under eighteen, stop watching straight away, and see when to get help, below.
- If something worries you, try not to let it show. Most worries about content can wait until another day, when you can raise them in passing. A sexual image of anyone under eighteen, sexual or violent content your child is too young for, anything about self-harm or suicide, and anything suggesting that someone is contacting or hurting them cannot; talk to your child calmly that evening.
Safety. Most social media services are for thirteen and over. Every phone charges outside the bedrooms overnight, the adults’ included.
When to get help. If you learn of an adult contacting your child, anyone asking them for pictures or personal details, or a sexual image of a child, stay calm, do not blame your child, and leave everything as it is (do not reply, look further, copy, forward or delete). Act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, and tell the school’s designated safeguarding lead. If what your child is shown keeps turning to bodies, food or self-harm, or their mood or eating changes, talk to their school and your GP.
The other step, and your part in it, are in the library.
If you want to read further
- Screen Time. For parents who have lost the argument about screen hours, and suspect it was never quite the right argument to have. theparentbook.com/reader/screen-time
- What Screen Time Actually Is. For parents who feel they have lost the argument about screens. theparentbook.com/reader/what-screen-time-actually-is
Worth your time
- A book for you: Behind Their Screens, Emily Weinstein and Carrie James. Two Harvard researchers draw on thousands of teenagers’ own accounts to explain the pressures adults tend to miss, from the obligation to reply to sexting and group-chat cruelty, and how to talk about them. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/behind-their-screens-carrie-james/7ca30f0f954d583c
- A book to read together: Social Media Survival Guide, Holly Bathie. An Usborne guide to starting out on social media safely and kindly, covering privacy, filters, fake news, online pressure and when to step away. A good companion to a first phone. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/social-media-survival-guide-holly-bathie/13811f9c888e3603
- Something to watch: How digital technologies affect adolescent psychological well-being and mental health - Dr Amy Orben, Dr Amy Orben, YouTube. Cambridge psychologist Amy Orben sets out what the research does and does not show about screens and adolescent mental health, and why ‘screen time’ is too blunt a measure. www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTZe5Dxmt3M
- Something to listen to: 152: Will Social Media Harm My Kid?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 29 min. What age is right for social media, and practical ways to limit the harm, from the research and from clinical practice. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/152-will-social-media-harm-my-kid/id1525689066?i=1000641004195
Who else can help
This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.
- Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
- Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
- Internet Matters. Step-by-step guides to the settings on every device and app, advice by age from nought to eighteen, and guides to AI tools and gaming. When you need to actually change something on a phone tonight. The most practical online safety source in the UK. www.internetmatters.org/advice
- Childnet. Guides to having the conversation, by age, on gaming, sharing images, online bullying and where the line is, from one of the charities behind the UK Safer Internet Centre. When the settings are done and the talking is the hard part. www.childnet.com/parents-and-carers
- Report Harmful Content. Help getting something taken down when you have reported it to the platform and nothing has happened: bullying, threats, impersonation, content about self-harm. After the in-app report has failed. They reply within three days. reportharmfulcontent.com
The full list for social media, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/social-media/services
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.