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The Parent Book.
Therapist-written support for parents
What helps
Perfectionism

Perfectionism

These pages are about the child who has come to feel their worth depends on getting things right: often high-achieving, often praised generously for years, and often more anxious than anyone has noticed. They’re for the parent learning to value the effort over the result, and to undo that sense of conditional worth without naming it harshly.

What the library says about this, in one place. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/perfectionism

What to do first

A child who can’t bear to fail is usually frightened of what failing would say about them. That’s a fear, and fears can be worked with.

  1. Interrupt the work: “That’s enough for today.” A perfectionist child won’t stop on their own and needs an adult to stop them.
  2. Point out your own everyday mistakes, out loud and often. Your child is copying the way you deal with failure.
  3. Notice what your child has stopped trying. Avoiding anything they can’t be good at straight away is the sign that this has gone beyond high standards.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

  • The A That Felt Like Failing. If every mark changes how your teenager sees themselves, talk about the work more than the grade.
    • Ask about the work more than the mark.
    • If your teenager is losing sleep or skipping meals, talk to their school and your GP.
    • If your teenager has hurt themselves, or talks about not wanting to be alive, act that day: ask the surgery for an urgent appointment, and if it is closed, use the crisis line. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe.
    • If your child is badly hurt, or there is any chance they have taken too much of a medicine, don’t wait for an appointment: get medical help straight away, even if they seem well. Call 999. Or go to your nearest A&E. Help is free and available at any hour.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-a-that-felt-like-failing
  • The Homework Redone for the Fourth Time. If your child keeps redoing their homework because it isn’t perfect, end the session for them.
    • Interrupt the work: “That’s enough for today.”
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-homework-redone-for-the-fourth-time
  • The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle. When a perfectionist child tears up their maths, they’re upset about what getting it wrong says about them.
    • Praise the work your child has done, not the kind of child they are.
    theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-worksheet-torn-down-the-middle

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

A mistake each, at a weekly meal. Once a week, at one meal, everyone says one thing they got wrong, starting with you. Nobody comments on anyone else’s.

What it is for. In our experience, a child who fears mistakes is helped more by hearing adults make them, calmly and often, than by being told mistakes do not matter.

  • The first step. Explain it once, and keep it light: “Every week at this meal, we’re each going to say one thing we got wrong.”

When to get help. If your child’s fear of getting things wrong is stopping them from starting work, sleeping, or going to school, or their mood has been low for more than two weeks, talk to their school and your GP. If your child tells you that someone is hurting them, that they are hurting themselves, or that they do not want to be alive, stay calm, thank them for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

Worth your time

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

  • Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
  • Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
  • YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
  • Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
  • Anna Freud. The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment. When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline. www.annafreud.org/resources/family-wellbeing

The full list for perfectionism, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/perfectionism/services

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.